The Most Annoying Question if you Grew up on Cape Cod..

Whether you went away to college, are on vacation or just strike up a conversation with a person who isn’t from the area..whenever someone asks where you’re from and you respond with “Cape Cod”, they almost always have an idiotic answer. It usually falls somewhere between “ grew up there? Like even went to school there and stuff?” or “no, I mean like where you’re originally, not where you summered”. But hands down, the question I always for some reason get incredibly annoyed with is,

What the hell did you do in the winter?

You mean outside of making babies and/or forming drug problems? Or things outside of celebrating the fact that there’s no more traffic, not having to wait in line for a beer or pay a cover to get into a bar that normally offers us money to go there in the winter?

We do this.

But seriously, we do the same shit we do in the summer, just in more layers. I did all kinds of great things in the winter on Cape Cod. For starters, we spend just as much time on the beach, it just happens to be in sweatshirts around a fire and usually illegally because you can’t drink or have fires on public beaches. Actually, we do that in the summer too but in the winter we have to seek out private establishments that were only inhibited in the summer so we could get a solid 3-4 hours of drinking in before the Cops came. Here’s a picture of Hippie and Insane Tony getting ready for a bonfire party this past winter:


If there wasn’t a bonfire to attend at a random private beach behind a rich persons home, then we of course got in our cars and *P-5’d around town. P-5ing was one of my favorite things to do because I had a Chevy Blazer with a pretty decent system (and by ‘decent system’ I mean a hatch back that I would 100% drive with open and a tape player) that I would bump to the sounds of my sweet mix tape containing the hottest tracks from Ice Cube and Britney Spears.

*If you don’t know what a P-5 is, then you’re clearly not from Cape Cod, which means you probs won’t find any of this relevant, but I’m okay with sharing the wealth that is Cape Cod Winter Knowledge. A Portuguese-500, or P-5 as we call it, is when you get in your car and drive in some sort of circle with no other purpose other than to see who else is driving around said circle. I’m from Falmouth, so our P-5 typically consisted of starting somewhere around the Christmas Tree Shop/Dairy Queen area, continuing uptown to see if the fast and the furious were at Dunkin Donuts (even though you would never stop, ew, you just wanted to see) driving down main street, around the village green, back down main street, and then..well, you’re done I guess. Sometimes I’d take a detour down to the Harbor until I almost got arrested once and then I only went there at night with summer hockey kids. Wooops. Also – some people thought a real P-5 was starting on Hyannis Main St and going all the way to Falmouth Village Green but seriously, who has time for that? That’s like a P-5,000.

No word of a lie I met a kid once whose response when I said I grew up on Cape Cod was, “I heard you guys drive around in circles for fun in the winter.” Say it like it’s a bad thing but I had a fucking blast waving at people and bumping my sweet jams while housing my Dairy Queen cone. Dick.

Football games were always a huge thing in High School. Not so much attending the games to watch, but meeting up at an after party at someone’s parents house or Friendly’s to not buy anything but rather see how long it takes you to get kicked out when you order 1 milkshake for a table of 7 because you were too poor to buy anything else. It’s fucking winter, we didn’t work, and why the fuck are fribbles so expensive? Anyways..

All of this might sound boring for some of you city folk, but one thing I feel as though you get as a result of a Cape Cod upbringing is the most grounded, real and best group of friends anyone can have. Sure, there were different “groups” in high school but we all came together at some point in our childhood or adult life because there wasn’t anything else to fucking do! You might have rolled in different circles but that shit went out the window when the party started and the beers started flowing. You spend years in school with the same people and know their stories whether you want to or not. I have met some amazing people I’m proud to call my friends but none like my Cape friends.

They’re the ones you spent all day, every day with when there was nothing to do but steal shit from Cherry and Webb or freeze your ass off around a bonfire at Trunk River. They’ll eat bologna sandwiches for lunch instead of waiting in line at the food shack at the beach because they know you’d rather spend the $8.50 on two beers that night. They always have a beach chair in their trunk and would rather die than wear heels out on Cape Cod. They’re your best friends, they’re home.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Nauset Regional Middle School Is Building A Greenhouse… Wait, What?

greenhouse01lg – ORLEANS — Sixth-graders were lingering in the side yard Wednesday at Nauset Regional Middle School as the adults put a shovel in the ground for the school’s new greenhouse.

When the $125,000 greenhouse is built, the students will grow food for the school cafeteria and try their hand at cultivating flowers and indigenous plants, school Principal Maxine Minkoff said.

Use of the year-round greenhouse, planned at 1,500 square feet, will help the school’s 600 students learn about solar energy, protecting the environment, nutrition, math, the origins of food, art and more.

The children, too, had ideas about what the greenhouse would mean: a chance to get outdoors, do something different and work with their hands.

Whoah, wait a minute, what is going on here? You mean to tell me that this school is building something that will keep kids active, teach them about natures role in our everyday lives and possibly instill a respect for clean and healthy food supplies?

Doesn’t Nauset know that we are living in the Twitter age? Kids should be learning how to pilot drones and put that plastic thing on their smartphone screens without getting bubbles in it. I mean who cares about crops that haven’t been genetically modified when the ones that are genetically modified are dee-fucking-licious?

But seriously folks, this is actually a very good idea. I’m just upset because in my day a superlative class taught you how to make a wooden step stool with some stupid bands logo carved in it (you know you have one). Now they are offering advanced classes in being a Hippie.

I used to think I was born too late. Now I’m thinking I was born too soon. Kudos Nauset, you changed my life.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

The Real Cape At The New England Music Awards Video

Well here it is, last weekend we traveled to Lowell for the New England Music Awards. We proceeded to drink all the booze within the city limits, had a ton of laughs, got some interviews with some extremely talented cats and had a blast. Pretty hammered by the end but it wouldn’t be The Real Cape if we weren’t. Just keeping it real.

Video shot by @johnbeninghof and edited by none other that Ham Sandwich who is now on Twitter for all you ladies.

Huge thanks to all the artists that were cool enough to chat with us, be sure to check them all out:

Spose:  Website . Facebook . Twitter

The Fog Cutters: Website . Facebok . Twitter

Will Dailey: Website . Facebook . Twitter

Joey Batts: Website . Facebook . Twitter

Love in Stockholm: Website . Facebook . Twitter

Funktapuss: Website . Facebook . Twitter

Emmarie: Website . Facebook . Twitter


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Rare ‘Vicious’ Fisher Cat Found In Mashpee – Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Pugs!


Photos via Mashpee Police Department

CapeNews.netGeoff Spillane – A rare fisher was found dead in Mashpee on Wednesday.

Commonly referred to as a “fisher cat,” the animal is known for its sharp fang-like teeth, unsheathed claws, and vicious demeanor.

Mashpee Police Lieutenant John Santangelo said that he has never seen a fisher—dead or alive—in Mashpee during his 25 years on the force.

The animal was found on Palmer Road, not far from the Quashnet and Kenneth C. Coombs schools.

Deborah R. Millman, director of the Cape Wildlife Center in Barnstable, said that fishers have established a population on the Cape, but there are not many here. She advises residents to keep small animals and cats indoors.

Well, this pretty much ends the small dog/big dog argument for anyone around here right? I don’t care how much you love your friends Shih Tzu, if you are in the market for a puppy on Cape Cod you just have to go big at this point.

Last night I turned on the outside light by my back door and I saw a coyote setting plates on a picnic table while a bobcat opened a bottle of wine and a fisher cat basted some type of small roast. Now I can’t say for sure what they had for a main course, but let’s just say there was a small pile of Hot Diggity dog collars in a pile by a tree.

What I’m trying to say here is that while Beagles and Yorkie’s may be cute, they are also like butterball turkeys to our current array of Cape Cod wildlife. So unless you are looking to spend hundreds of dollars on a Thanksgiving dinner for a fisher cat, I suggest you stick with something at least the size of a Labrador. At least that way you won’t have to explain The Pilgrims AND death to your 5 year old on the same day.

P.S. Those have to be contacts right? Monsters don’t have eyes like the deep blue Caribbean Sea.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Today In Cape Cod History – No Biggie, A Wellfleet Man Only Invented The Brown Paper Bag

grocery-bag – On this day in 1873, Luther Childs Crowell was granted a patent for a machine to manufacture square-bottom paper bags.

Before we were all asked the question “paper or plastic”, Luther’s design was the only grocery carrying vessel available. In fact, the same design is still used to this day.

According to the website, Crowell, who lived in Wellfleet, was granted 293 patents in all.

Cape Cod, Fuck yeah!

Holy shit are we on a roll or what? Not too long ago we found out that Cape Cod invented the banana and now we find out we are responsible for the brown paper bag as well? Is there nothing The Cape can’t do? This place is electric!

Why is this stuff not required teaching in our schools? Every one of my books was covered with one of Luther’s bags for cripes sake. Why didn’t anyone tell me that the bag I was doodling pot leaves and World War II battles on originated right here on Cape Cod. Maybe teenagers wouldn’t have so much of a burning hatred for this peninsula if they knew more about its bad ass history. Screw kettle holes and glacial erratics, teach the kids about Luther Crowell and The Banana King! (I love you Mr. Crocker)

As a matter of fact, I think we should change the name of brown paper bags to “Cape Cod Bags”. We’ve got tons of products with geographical names. There’s “Buffalo Wings” and  “Neapolitan Pizza”, why shouldn’t there be Cape Cod Bags?

So next time they ask you what type of grocery bag you want in the checkout aisle, just say “I’ll take a Cape Cod Bag”! If someone asks if you buy your lunch every day say no, “I Cape Cod Bag it”! When you see an embarrassed fan in the stands of a game, say “look at that guy with the Cape Cod Bag on his head”! And last but not least, when giving tips on making guacamole, tell people “you know what works great to ripen Avacados? A fuckin’ Cape Cod Bag is what”!

P.S. Luther’s beard/hair part combo is absolutely LETHAL!

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Honda Civic Hits And Kills Two Cows On 6A In Sandwich – Wait, What?

cows – Two cows were hit by a car and killed on Route 6A in Sandwich late Thursday night, police said.

A Honda Civic was traveling eastbound near the Hammond Road intersection at about 8:10 p.m., when it hit the two cows. They were dark-colored and difficult to see in Thursday night’s storm, police said.

The Honda Civic suffered severe front end, hood, windshield, and hood damage, police said.

The two cows were found dead by officers arriving at the scene. Massachusetts Department of Transportation workers removed the animals, and returned them to their owner on a farm nearby, police said.

Like we don’t have enough shit to worry about around here, now we have to worry about dodging cows in the street? NStar is poisoning us, drones are watching us shower, windmills give us vertigo, and now cows are running up the deductibles on our Honda Civics?

This poor lady must just be in absolute shock right now. I have probably driven two million miles of Cape Cod roads and not once, not one single time in my life, has the thought ever entered my mind that there was any chance whatsoever that I might hit a fucking cow. This lady hit two cows. TWO COWS!

Talk about being on the wrong side of blind luck. Times like this make me wish I was the Cape Cod Oprah. This lady would have a new car and that farmer would get his cattle replaced faster than you can say Centerville Pie Company.

I propose we institute a new law, we will call it the “You hit it, you keep it” a.k.a. the “one in a million” law. It’s like winning a meat raffle at the Elks Lodge. If you beat the odds and actually kill two cows in a Honda Civic on Cape Cod the least you should get is a couple of Tenderloins and a Porterhouse out of the deal right?

P.S. If someone told me before today that I would use that headline during my career as a writer for The Real Cape I would have told them there was a better chance of Insane Tony thinking a rational thought.

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Cuddles And Bubbles In Hyannis Has Alcohol License Suspended

cuddle – Officer Steve Maher, another liaison to the licensing authority, presented reports of numerous calls to the Inn for a variety of reported crimes, including drug dealing. As he and the board questioned Ravi Ahuja, who attended as manager of the Inn, it became apparent that there was a disconnect between the authority’s expectations and what’s been going on at the inn.

“I’m disgusted by all the activity happening here,” the authority’s Ron Semprini said.

“What are you going to do to clean up this place up?” asked board chair Martin Hoxie.

The authority suspended the Inn’s alcohol and entertainment licenses for five days… The suspension will not affect rental of rooms.

Well isn’t it ironic that this story finds its way to us today? On the most cheesy romantic day of the year, the most cheesy romantic hotel on The Cape faces alcohol and entertainment license suspensions.

You have to love the shock coming from the licensing authority on this one. Hey Ron, you are “disgusted” by the activity at an hourly rate hotel that is a hotbed of casual encounter Craigslist hookups? Newsflash bro, scandalous shit goes down in the place that advertises itself as a den of iniquity and has for years.

And how about the guy who asks what they are going to do to “clean the place up”? Ummm… same as we always do pal, an entire bottle of bleach in the hot tub, burn the sheets and wait until the next Ron Jeremy stumbles into the lobby with the coke whore he picked up at Shanghai.

This system has been in place for years. Try and change it all you want fellas, but if you are truly “shocked” that it’s happening then you might want to try and get your finger closer to the pulse of the town you govern, because you are more out of touch than Hall & Oates.

P.S. There can be no mention of Cuddles and Bubbles without this video (0:50 to 1:08 mark are MUST WATCH)

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony