Let’s Have Real Talk About Piping Plovers

plover cape

EAST SANDWICH — Selectmen in Article 12 asked voters to rescind a May 2013 Town Meeting vote that directed $40,000 be taken from $200,000 worth of beach-parking and sticker receipts each year and placed in an account for future public ocean-beach and dune renourishment projects.

Article opponents, however, said no money has been spent on shoreline beaches except to protect piping plovers. They said the Sandwich Boardwalk is in disrepair, the beaches are eroding, dunes are disappearing and the $40,000 flowing in a separate account would – at the very least – represent a stopgap effort “to do something.”

Can I ask a question? Do Piping Plovers eat terrorists and shit diamonds or something? How did these little bastards become more important to humans than beach erosion and boardwalk disrepair? And more importantly why do I have to walk 3 miles out of my way to get around their roped off VIP section at the beach. Can’t these Plovers Pipe somewhere else?

Do you know how many species became extinct while you slept last night? 30. So where is their VIP section? Why are Piping Plovers so important? I know, I know, they are tiny and cute and we love everything that is tiny and cute. Babies, puppies, midgets, nobody wants to see something small and cuddly die, but you don’t see the midgets asking for roped off areas of beach. We don’t rope off sections of Hyannis for the bums so people don’t disturb their nests.

You might not say it in public, but deep down you agree with this, you know you do. These fuckers have been protected for years now and they still can’t cut it in the wild. It’s time to let go folks, the world is moving forward and if the Piping Plovers can’t keep up then it’s time to cut our losses and go back to having a direct route from our chairs to the snack bar. We did what we could, but it’s a cruel world out there. If they die… they die.

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Barnstable Patch Video: How to Make A Perfect Grilled Cheese (If You’re A Douche)


From Barnstable Patch

Listen Stuart I’m going to give you a pass here because you are Irish so you probably don’t have much experience with Italian sandwiches. You didn’t make a grilled cheese sandwich bro, you made a fucking panini. Grilled cheese is grilled cheese for a reason and one of them is that it doesn’t take two hours to prepare.

Grilled cheese is a sacred part of being one of or a combination of these things:

1. camping
2. tailgating
3. drunk
4. stoned
5. hungover
6. lazy
7. broke

All that crap you added to yours doesn’t jive with anything on that list. Your sandwich looks delicious, but calling it a grilled cheese is like calling a french pastry a pop tart. Sure I’d love one but I’m in my pajamas at 3 o’clock in the afternoon for a reason you fancy prick, and it’s not because I’m oozing with ambition.

P.S. You haven’t had a grilled cheese until you’ve bought one from a wook with dreadlocks named turtle on lot at the end of a three night run with the only $2 left to your name. If you understood that sentence then you know what I’m talking about.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Hyannis Men Arrested After Transporting Stolen Flat Screen TV In A Taxi – Yes… A Taxi

flat scree

BPD – On Monday December 9, 2013 at 2:30 a.m. Barnstable Police Officers were dispatched to the International Inn at 662 Main St. in Hyannis to investigate a suspicious person that had been dropped off by a taxi cab in possession of a possibly stolen flat screen television.

The Yarmouth Police Department was investigating a possible breaking and entering in their town and had received information that a male was picked up in a cab and transported to the International Inn with the television.

These dudes were charged with a slew of other things besides the TV. Click the link to read all about it if you want but we really need to discuss the matter at hand. Who transports a stolen flat screen TV in a cab? To a hotel?

I decided the best way to rationalize this would be to list off all the different reasons that a person would bring a flat screen TV to a hotel in cab. Maybe it’s not as suspicious as one would think? Maybe just because nobody I know would ever do it, that doesn’t mean some other people don’t do it on the regular.

So I asked a bunch of other people for their input and began assembling the list. Here it is, the definitive list of every single possible reason on earth that a person would transport a flat screen television to a hotel in a taxi.

1. They stole it

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Man Arrested In Barnstable For Selling Crack While Out On Bail For Selling Crack


Patch – Barnstable Narcotics Detectives arrested a 49-year-old man on Monday, Dec. 2, for trafficking in cocaine. This is the second time in two months the man was arrested for allegedly distributing crack cocaine in the area.

Barnstable Police established surveillance on Timothy Ellerbe and followed him to a drug supplier in Wareham. Ellerbe was stopped on Route 6, where he was found with approximately 28 grams of crack cocaine hidden in a wristband.

He was placed under arrested for Trafficking in Cocaine 28-100 grams.

Ellerbe was out on $5,000 bail for the same charge for an Oct. 9 incident.

Yeah, yeah another crack arrest I know it’s not a revelation or anything. The reason this one sticks out to me is in the details. My man Timothy seems like a career crack dealer right? I mean he was arrested for crack while out on bail for crack, that’s about as cracky as a crack dealer can be.

So wouldn’t you think he would be aware of the way they rate crack dealers on this 28-100 gram scale? Seems to me that getting caught with 28 grams is just a waste of an arrest. You have to go 27.9 in that situation don’t you? I have no idea what .1 of a gram of crack is worth, but it can’t be worth bumping you up into the next crack bracket.

Go 27.9 or go 100. Anything in between is just uncivilized.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

App-Hole In Edgartown Breaks Every Dumb Cape Criminal Record In One Night


OK This is a long one, we shortened it up and bolded the really good parts  but it is so good you may want to read the entire thing at the MVTimes.

Edgartown Police combined technology and old fashioned police work to track down a man they said is responsible for a late night burglary spree that began Tuesday night and extended into Wednesday morning, in the vicinity of 21st Street and Anthier’s Way.

Matthew D. Engstrume, 23, of Rhode Island, currently living at 23 Anthier’s Way in Edgartown was arraigned Friday in Edgartown District Court on one count of breaking and entering during the nighttime to commit a felony, and one count of larceny from a dwelling. Bail was set at $1,000.

In a telephone conversation Friday, Detective Sergeant Chris Dolby said Leah Selby was home from college for the holiday and asleep when her cell phone rang late at night. The call was from her father, which surprised her, Detective Dolby said, since Kevin Selby was also in the house.

She went downstairs to her parent’s room and woke her father up. As they investigated the curious cell phone call they discovered that someone had entered the house and stolen her mother’s purse containing her credit cards and keys, a laptop computer with years of family photos and the father’s cell phone.

The family called police who arrived about 1:30 am. As police investigated, the daughter’s phone rang. “Her phone started receiving incoming text messages from the father’s stolen phone,” Detective Dolby said, “to include pornographic pictures. So she lent her phone to us to keep the conversation going and further the search.”

The officers used the phone network to narrow down the location of the stolen phone and confirm that it was originating in the Ocean Heights area, but the provider was unable to pinpoint the signal.

On Wednesday morning, as people awakened and began to go outside, police began receiving reports of car break-ins that had occurred over the night. Based on the information from the phone company and reports of car break-ins, police began knocking on doors in the neighborhood.

Background surroundings in the room were visible in one of the pornographic photos of his private parts the thief sent to the victim.

“We could see the pine floors, the color of the interior, the hardware on the interior door, and a piece of cloth put down at the base of the door to prevent a draft, so we kind of knew what the interior would look like where the guy was located,” Detective Dolby said.

During their canvassing of the neighborhood, police went to a house Stop & Shop rents and is used to house employees. “I knocked on the door,” Detective Dolby said. “A young male came to the door and as I was speaking to him at the threshold I could see that the interior was definitely looking like a match to what we saw in the picture.”

The police explained that they had a description of the interior where the cell phone call had originated and asked if they could step inside. “He walked us right in the house and I asked if I could see an interior door,” Mr. Dolby said. “He led us to an interior door and it was a dead ringer to what we were looking at in the picture. One thing led to another and he admitted he had been in the house.”

Detective Dolby said there was no connection between Mr. Engstrume and the young woman, Mr. Selby or any of the victims. “He went through the victim’s phone and he sent pornographic pictures and messages to every female in Kevin’s phone,” Detective Dolby said.

Asked about Mr. Egstrume’s state of mind, Detective Doby said, “He appeared to be under the influence of something, we’re not quite sure.”…

“I’ve thought for many years that they are great at community policing and great at real policing,” Mr. Kildegaard said.  “We are well served by this department. This arrest provided just another reason to be impressed by the quality of their work.”

So let’s get this all straight. This dude broke into a house and stole a bunch of crap that included a cell phone. He then proceeded to send dick pics to every female contact in the phone. The first of which resulted in a girl receiving a sext message from her father’s phone.

Stolen phone and different penis or no, that has got to leave a lasting memory. I mean she saw a dick on a screen in a text from her father’s number. You can’t un see something like that.

Next the police are in possession of the phone, tracking the guy and he keeps sending dick pics at a rate that would make Anthony Wiener blush. All of this time, he is in other homes he broke into and showing distinct backgrounds in his sexts that prove where he was every step of the way.

Bro, I have never in my life heard of any human being in any situation that could have benefited more from taking five seconds to download Snapchat. Snapchatting is rule number one in the dick pic game. Throw in the fact that you are sexting an entire island of women, while breaking into houses and being tracked by police and you pretty much have the single best reason in the history of everything to have Snapchat. Like, Snapchat may want to buy the rights to your story to make a commercial.

Straight rookie shit from Mathew Engstrume here. When he was a teenager he probably made crank calls without dialing *67 first.

This dude is so dumb he’s probably just sitting in jail with no idea he can make a phone call, or bail himself out. Someone let this douche know that we have these newfangled things called Lawyers now too. Might want to get one of those Matty Boy, I have a feeling they are going to figure out a few other things to charge you with.

I’m pretty sure they can charge you as a war criminal as a matter of fact. I think you might have violated the Geneva Convention with those dick pics of mass destruction.

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Cape Geography – What Do We Do About Bourne?

cape map 2

Ok so we opened a massive can of worms yesterday with our Cape Map. One of the big questions raised in the multitude of emails we received was whether or not someone from Bourne that lives north of The Canal, is from The Cape?

It’s a mind fuck if you think about it. According to our map they technically are not from Cape Cod, but they went to High School on The Cape, so doesn’t that make them a “Cape kid”?

What if they moved around Bourne? Say they lived north of The Canal until 4th grade and went to Bournedale Elementary. None of this is technically on The Cape. Then they move to a new house in Bourne south of The Canal. They are now “born and raised” in a single town, but not “born and raised” on The Cape?

Is this person a native Cape Codder or a washashore? Remember there is a chance this person never technically set foot on Cape Cod until they were 9 or 10 years old, but they never left their town.

I think we need to establish some kind of committee to deal with this. I for one have to stop thinking about it. It’s making my brain hurt?

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Real Cape Cod Geography: A Letter To Wareham, Plymouth Etc.

Dear Wareham, Plymouth etc.,

This letter was inspired by this sticker. Whoever made this should be bound, gagged and sent via UPS as far from The Cape as possible, never to return.

cape sticker2


This is an absolute travesty.

Here it is, this is the absolute concrete final word on what is Cape Cod and what is not:

cape map


End of argument and we don’t want to hear another word about it.


Real Cape Codders

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