Patch – Governor Deval Patrick’s order to lower the flags from sunrise to sunset honors decorated Army specialist Ryan A. Goldie, 28, a Wareham native who died of non-combat causes in December.

SPC Ryan A. Goldie, 28, was born in Wareham and graduated from Upper Cape Cod Regional Technical School, working as a plumber’s apprentice before entering the Army in 2010, according to his obituary from Chapman, Cole and Gleason Funeral Homes. He was based in Ft. Bliss, Texas.

We give Wareham a good amount of shit here but it’s all in good fun, like arguing with a step brother. When it really matters we are all in the same family whatever side of The Canal we live on. So if you or your company has a flag pole remember to fly your flag at half mast tomorrow in honor of Wareham’s Ryan Goldie.

Governor orders like this technically only pertain to state agencies but that’s no reason for everyone else not to join in on this gesture. Ryan Goldie fought so that we have the freedom to read and write snarky jokes on the internet all day, flying our flags at half mast is the least we can do for him.

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Capecodrollerderby.com

Sometimes I’m amazed when I find things like this, like how do we get hundreds of emails a day about car accidents on route 6 but not one of you thought it was a good idea to tell us about this?

It doesn’t get any cooler than roller derby so obviously it was a pleasant surprise to find out it happens right here on The Cape. I didn’t even know we have a roller skating rink. It’s probably a good thing though, I wouldn’t want to embarrass everyone. Nobody, and I mean nobody could defeat me in a shoot the duck challenge back in the day.

I don’t know what channel or why but I can remember watching old school Roller Derby re-runs on TV when I was a kid and I loved it. The memories of the epic battles I watched between the T-Birds and The Bombers were tucked away in the recesses of my mind, but they all came rushing back when I came across Cape Cod Roller Derby.

 

This is a promise to our readers. Now that we know about this we will do everything in our power to get to a derby ASAP and write up a proper review. Until then keep up with these gals on their website or Facebook Page.

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What the hell did we just watch? More importantly, how did Robert Dyer get his hands on these chips before us? There is a serious problem when Maryland YouTube weirdos are reviewing Cape Cod Chips‘ newest releases right in our face before we even know they exist. There’s a chance these would instantly go into Insane Tony’s top five list.

P.S. I thought this was a joke video, but then he hit us with this gem at the 2 minute mark… “These chips remind me of one of the great lost snacks of history, which was nacho flavored bugles”… This guy is the Rain Man of snack reviews and he means business. Seriously, check out his Chef Boyardee Pizza Twist Review. Riveting stuff. Just electric…

 

“Five stars! Another GREAT Chef Boyardee product.” Say what you will about Robert Dyer but don’t say he doesn’t have sophisticated taste.

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Capecodtoday.com – The Cape Cod Commission put the final nail in the coffin for the Lowe’s project in Dennis Thursday. According to its website, the commission accepted the subcommittee recommendation to deny the project.

Lowe’s had pitched a plan to build a home improvement store in South Dennis, just off Route 134 on Theophilis Smith Road. Shortly after the pitch, YES and NO to Lowe’s signs sprouted up on lawns all over Dennis.

We weren’t going to bother opining on this story because we figured it would be pretty obvious where The Real Cape stands on it. Apparently it’s not as obvious as we thought because everybody and their uncle is sending it to us. So here it is…

Of course we agree with it, fuck Lowe’s. I’d vote for a mayor of Cape Cod who’s first order of business would be to ban all national chains and then kick out all the ones that are already here. You ever drive through New Jersey? Every single town looks EXACTLY the same. It is a soulless wasteland of Applebee’s and TGIF’s. If you want to shop for crappy twisted lumber and eat cardboard egg rolls with mystery meat in them then pack your shit and move to Trenton.

Keep it local and save our culture is what I say. I think I may have just written the campaign slogan for whoever runs against the Fun Police Party for mayor. Don’t Jersey The Cape!

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Capecodonline.com – The latest plan to reform Cape Cod’s regional government is now officially on the table.

During its meeting inside the Barnstable District Courthouse on Wednesday, the county’s charter review committee nailed down several key details in a set of proposals that include a new legislative board elected from 11 districts across the Cape and a single executive elected Capewide.

“A mayor of Cape Cod,” said committee member and Barnstable County Commissioner William Doherty.

God bless whoever becomes mayor of Cape Cod. Talk about a lightning rod for blame. All we do is write jokes and people email us everyday blaming us for everything from Piping Plover murder to people’s drug problems. I can’t even imagine the microscope a Cape Cod mayor would live under.

Not to mention the fact that most likely the mayor would end up being some crusty old dude that hates live music and train whistles. He’d probably cancel the 4th of July fireworks and rope off the beaches so hermit crabs could mate in peace. Crusty Cape Cod mayor would deputize the fun police with badges and establish them as an actual law enforcement agency that could roam the peninsula arresting anyone with a smile on their face.

All of us normal people would retreat to our homes to have fun and complain about the powers that be. Then in the next election another douche would win because the stiffs would outvote us. We’d all be better off if everyone would just mind their own business and focus on themselves. The problem is that people on The Cape just don’t have anything to do except worry about what everyone else is doing.

So good luck future mayor of Cape Cod, you’re gonna need it.

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Capenews.net – Over the past year, someone has been throwing zip-top plastic freezer bags, stuffed with cat litter and hypodermic syringes, onto roads in South Sandwich.

The neighborhoods where these bags are being found include Bob White Circle, Clipper Circle, and Cotuit Road, near Boardley Road. Sandwich police have been finding the bags on weekday mornings, between 4 and 7 AM, during their regular patrols of the areas, but have not been able to find who is responsible.

More than a dozen bags have been picked up by the police. Five, since September alone. Police fear that there have been more, but they just weren’t found or reported.

Unbelievable. I knew Cape Cod’s heroin problem was bad but this is just ridiculous. When drug addiction is so rampant it spreads to your cats you know it has gotten out of hand. Obviously this is some kind of feline needle exchange program where the cats leave bags of old litter and needles and get a bag of fresh gear. Well at least they are being responsible about their drug use right?

I hope the problem doesn’t spread to our dogs because there’s no way a dog would be that responsible, they’d just shoot up with dirty needles and shit wherever they felt like it, drooling and nodding off in public. Dogs have no shame either, they’d probably be loitering outside of convenience stores whacked out on smack licking peoples faces and shit. At least the cats have some humility and are doing their heroin out in the woods hidden away between 4 and 7 AM.

It’s a good thing we got this early warning sign about our pets doing drugs, at least it gives us a chance to stamp it out before we get to the point where packs of dogs are sleeping on library lawns begging for spare change instead of treats.

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