CapeCodOnline.com – A woman was arraigned today in Barnstable District Court on charges of assault and battery and assault with a dangerous weapon after she allegedly threatened to cut off a man’s penis with a hand machete during an argument in Hyannis.

Around 1 p.m. Tuesday, Barnstable police responded to 140 Sea St. after reports of a domestic disturbance and found Elizabeth Ables, 34, of Hyannis, shouting obscenities at a man she knew, according to the police report.

Ables shouted that she was “going to chop (the man’s) penis off,” the report says.
Before police arrived, Ables and the man had gotten into an argument when she accused him of lying, according to the report.

When the man tried to leave, Ables picked up the machete and followed him outside, where there was a brief physical struggle before Ables was disarmed, according to the report.

I’m a little bit confused by this article. Is threatening to cut off a penis a specific charge? Meaning is threatening castration worse than telling someone you’ll cut their finger off? It should be right?

We have first degree murder and manslaughter etc. for the different levels of killing someone, we should certainly have stronger penalties for junk removal than we do for chopping off other digits.

Cutting off a toe for instance should be like what? 20? 30 years? But if you cut off someones Johnson then we should be talking life without parole right? I mean I’m pretty sure I’d rather be murdered than to be estranged from my BFF.

This may be enough to sway the penis vs. vagina battle, sure guys can pee wherever they want, but not being at risk of getting sliced off on a whim is a distinct advantage for the vagina. We need to throw the book at this lady and make an example of her. It’s hard enough these days for a man’s penis on The Cape in March, we can’t have an army of Lorena Bobbits running around playing whack a’ pole with machetes.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go remove everything but the spoons from my kitchen.

P.S. Whatever you do, DO NOT search Google images for “castration”

3: What’s the best way to ask a girl out? I’ve been shot down three times this month alone, and I consider myself a pretty successful, good looking guy – not sure what I’m doing wrong here..

Dear Lonely Larry,

The first thing I take into consideration when considering whether or not to accept a date is how it was asked and in what form of communication. Texting is unacceptable. If you want a girl to give you the privilege of her company for an evening, take the time to fucking pick up the phone or ask her out in person like a man. I’d accept a date via smoke signal before a fucking text.

Second, don’t put pressure on her or the evening. If I feel like it’s too much of a “date” I’ll panic and either cancel, get too drunk or throw up on the table because you gave me anxiety. Take it easy, have a good time and make it a point to be a gentleman. That means opening her doors (all of them – even the car; chivalry isn’t dead, asshole) and chew with your mouth closed. Also, don’t bring up past relationships, EVER. It’s super unattractive and just reminds us that you were at one point someone else’s second hand penis.

GG

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Dear Mr. Delusional,

Dude, shot down three times in one month? You are lying to yourself about your number. Lower your target number by three and see what happens. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but if you think you’re an 8? You’re actually a 5.

Hippie

Have a question, life issue or suggestion for The Glitter Ginger or Hippie? Head over to her facebook page to message her directly. Anything submitted will be kept completely anonymous. 

CapeCodOnline.com – A proposal that would allow escorted off-road vehicles to drive carefully and gingerly past tiny, vulnerable piping plover nests at Nauset Beach this summer is ignoring an 800-pound elephant on the trails.

The problem, however, is the plan fails to address the wild predators. Crows, sea gulls, coyote and fox all prey on the plover eggs and chicks. As a matter of fact, the predators have killed far more plovers than humans have.

As a result, the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service, which is responsible for protecting the endangered species, has maintained that any habitat conservation plan must include a predator-culling component. Problem is, no one wants to shoot Wily Coyote, Jonathan Livingston Seagull or the Sly Fox.

But if we really want to protect endangered species, we will need to spend as much effort keeping predators at bay as we do keeping humans away.

Government sharpshooters may be effective in reducing a limited number of coyote and fox, but what to do about sea gulls and crows? There are so many of them that culling efforts would likely be ineffective. But if culling begins, the federal and state governments should take on the expense and the political heat, not the local towns.

Holy shit I feel like I am taking crazy pills. Piping Plover’s are so important that people actually want to have the government conduct mass murder of other living creatures to protect them? Is this some kind of joke? Where is the candid camera crew? The Cape Cod Times has to be punking us with this crap.

Could you imagine if someone suggested the only way to protect people on Cape Cod is to have the government start shooting everyone from New York? Actually, not a great example, most of our readers would love that, but you know what I mean. Killing something in the name of protecting the lives of other things is straight lunacy.

How about this? STOP PLAYING GOD. Let nature do whatever nature is going to do. In all of my education about natural selection I don’t recall reading the part where government snipers are picking off foxes. Natural Geographic isn’t filming a special on sharp shooters in their natural habitat anytime soon.

The only reason Piping Plover’s are still in existence is because of humans, which at its core is completely contradictory to nature. It’s unreal how arrogant humans are to think that we can actually alter mother nature’s plan in any way. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and I for one can’t wait to see what she has in store for Plover payback.

CapeCodOnline.com – A 19-year-old arrested Monday in connection with a string of break-ins allegedly stole televisions, golf clubs and electronic devices from neighbors and tried to sell them on Facebook through Cape Cod Virtual Yard Sale.

John Evangelista was arrested after the owner of a seasonal home on Archibald Circle called police Friday night to say a television had been stolen, according to a report by Harwich Officer Amy Walinksi.

When the homeowner described the TV, Walinski wrote, “I immediately knew of a suspect.”

“I noticed Jack Evangelista posted a television for sale on Cape Cod Virtual Yard Sale,” she wrote.

Meanwhile, police discovered that another home on Archibald Circle had been broken into. The screen door had been knocked out and inside a television was missing from the wall, she wrote.

Walinski discovered other items for sale by Evangelista on the Facebook page, including women’s and men’s golf clubs, an iPod player and a radio.

Wait so are there things for sale on the Cape Cod Virtual Yard Sale Facebook page that aren’t stolen? I just kind of figured everyone assumed that if you buy something from a Facebook yard sale page it’s definitely hot?

I’m not saying what this dude did isn’t wrong, I’m just saying that we are making it pretty easy for thieves these days. It used to be if you were going to steal televisions you needed to have a connection to sell your goods, a fence if you will. You’d have to drive your shady van to some shady building in New Bedford and deal with some even shadier dude. Nowadays unloading stolen merchandise is as easy as changing your status update on Facebook.

Call me nostalgic but I miss the old days when criminals had to work hard for their money. They had to have elaborate organizations with hierarchies, equipment and contacts. These kids these days have no appreciation for stealing T.V.’s the old fashioned way. This new age is breeding lazy, entitled thieves who can just snap a photo of their wares and sell it in 140 characters or less.

CapeCodToday.com – There was a single car collision at the post office at 210 Main Street, East Orleans today around noon today.

A Toyota RAV 4 driven by an 85-year-old woman was attempting to pull into a parking spot which is in front of the post office, but ended up almost in the lobby instead.

As the car entered the parking spot, instead of applying the brake and coming to a stop, the operator applied the gas and the car struck a vertical support beam, traveled across the walkway, and smashed into the side of the Orleans Post Office building before coming to a stop.

Ah the old think you’re hitting the brake, actually hitting the gas, driving into a post office trick. Seems like an 85 year old woman pulls this move once a month or so. The post office and over cooked steak, that’s what old people do.

Why do people over 80 even leave their houses? I don’t want to leave the house now, when I’m 85 I’m literally going to sew my pants to the couch. Just sit around all day blogging about the new Depends adult diapers and complaining about train whistles.

Maybe we should have an exchange program with the RMV and the post office. When you turn 80 your car is automatically traded in for its value in stamps. Sure it will take away their transportation, but it also removes the only reason someone that old has to ever leave their house in the first place. Call me whatever you want, but don’t say I’m not a problem solver.