CapeCodOnline.com – CHATHAM – A pilot whale found stranded around noon today on Harding Beach was euthanized later in the evening after members of the International Fund for Animal Welfare were unable to get the whale into deep water.

IFAW’s Marine Mammal Rescue and Research team responded to the scene around 2 p.m.

The approximately 3,000 pound whale was in overall good condition, said Kerry Branon, an IFAW spokeswoman. The team planned to satellite tag and then release the whale, but they were unable to get the whale back into deep water, Branon said. After a consultation with an on-site veterinarian, the team realized the whale could not be saved, she said.

“They did everything they could to minimize its suffering, and in the end, euthanasia was the most humane option available,” Branon said.

Quick question? How do they know that whale couldn’t have made it back into deep water? Maybe when there aren’t humans around whales come up into shallow water all the time and then just stand up and walk on their fins back to deep water when they decide they are done. Prove they don’t. They did say the whale was in “overall good condition”. I don’t know, something smells a bit… (I know, I’m sorry I won’t even say it).

Anyway, how the hell do we know when a whale “can’t be saved”? Just because it can’t be saved by people doesn’t mean a whale doesn’t have some tricks up its sleeve for survival that we don’t know about. I think we as a people have become a bit too arrogant when we start Terry Schiavoing whales at the drop of a hat, who elected us the Dr. Kevorkian of the animal kingdom? I’m pretty sure those scientists murdered that whale and I demand an investigation.

 

P.S. If you are contemplating leaving a comment saying whales aren’t fish, please euthanize yourself.

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In my efforts to keep you up to date on the Capes music scene, I am bringing you my first “Part Duex” segment. My first victims in this new segment is The BuLife. This group of multi talented friends from Provincetown have been Real Cape supporters since the beginning and these non-stop hustlers are constantly bettering their brand.

 

Coming off their mix tape “Cape Tippin” release party on December 27th at The Underground in P-Town. This is a crew that never rest, always seems to be  on the go. They have some big shows coming up off the peninsula, they will be taking their talents to New York City in February. On February 13th The BuLife is at Goodbye Blue Monday in Brooklyn, then onto the renown Nuyorican Poet’s Cafe in Manhattan on February 18th. All you music lovers here on The Cape help this group of locals out and get on the interweb and holla at your people in N.Y.C and tell them to check out The BuLife. I know you know at least one person living near Brooklyn trying to find themselves some nice music.

The guys are also back in the studio coming up with a ton of new material. They’ve called in local female artist Edwige to add a woman’s touch to some tracks. They also recently joined Music for Good on Reverbnation, which means that half of song sales are donated to CAREUSA.ORG.  The BuLife is doing their part, so do yours and help spread the good word of these hard working guys   from the tip of the map.

Keep up with The Bulife on Facebook, Reverb Nation or get some Bulife Swag

 

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WickedLocal.com – The airport commission has approved a new contract for Skydive Cape Cod, the town manager will not sign it, and the Federal Aviation Administration, which may be the final arbiter, has not yet ruled.

The town is looking to obtain a waiver or an exemption from the FAA that would allow selectmen to prohibit skydiving and the board has laid out its concerns, which include its close proximity to neighborhoods, to the agency. The FAA has agreed to send parachute experts to Chatham to investigate the claims this spring, but Goldsmith told selectmen Tuesday that it was unclear what that inspection would involve as the company would not be cleared by the town to operate. That’s something staff is waiting for clarification on, she said.

Over the past few years concerns about the safety of the operation of the skydive company at the municipal airport have emerged, but last year they appeared to mushroom as myriad residents filled the selectmen’s meeting room and asked the three-year contract not be renewed.

Unbelievable, you literally couldn’t make this stuff up. How many hard working people have had their livelihoods taken away by The Fun Police at this point? Eventually we will get to the point where Cape Cod residents will not be able to leave their yards or make any audible sounds.

Skydive Cape Cod has been around for a long time and everyone I know who has gone there has nothing but great things to say about them. Who am I though right? Well the “FEDERAL AVIATION AMINISTRATION and the state department of transportation found no safety issues that would justify termination of the lease.” In fact Skydive Cape Cod was the most inspected operation in the country this year.

It doesn’t stop there, Tim Howard, the owner of the company that runs Catham Airport said the airport has “no good reason” not to renew the contract, or sub-lease, and could be a subject to a lawsuit if one was not executed. So yeah, the federal government is on SkyDive Cape Cod’s side to the point where it is illegal to not let them operate, yet they are in danger of losing their business, and why?

Because a “myriad residents filled the selectmen’s meeting room and asked the three-year contract not be renewed.” That’s it, The Fun Police. Who are these people? Don’t they have anything better to do with their time than worry about everyone else? It is time to band together and take back Cape Cod.

Please, if you live in Chatham or the surrounding area, reach out to the folks at SkyDive Cape Cod and ask them how you can help, Write a letter, go to a meeting, whatever it takes. I know we have better things to do but that is why they always win. While we are out living our lives they are at meetings making fun illegal. We need to beat them at their own game, say it with me!

Fuck the fun police!

Take back Cape Cod!

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CapeCodOnline.com – Police say they know who stole more than $40,000 in oysters and equipment from beds in East Dennis and Barnstable last summer, but they’re not quite ready to publicly name the culprit.

Barnstable police Lt. Sean Balcom, who heads the Barnstable Street Crime Unit, called the anticipated end of the five-month investigation by multiple public safety agencies “the result of police work and the rewards” that were offered.

The street crime unit was tipped to the identity of the poacher by one of its informants, Balcom said.

Rewards totaling $2,000 are being offered to the tipster if the guilty party is caught.

“We’ve definitely identified somebody,” Balcom said Monday. “We caught him red-handed and anticipate charging him in the next couple weeks.

“Where he sold the oysters is going to come as a pretty big surprise.”

I’ve said before that it is certainly not my place to tell the police how to do their jobs, but isn’t it a bit strange to alert the press that you caught a thief and you “anticipate charging him in the next couple weeks”? Doesn’t that kind of take away the element of surprise when you decide to arrest him? I get it, it’s exciting news, but we can wait until it actually happens to find out. Haven’t the Barnstable Police ever heard of the concept of jinxing?

If I’m the Dennis Oyster thief I’m halfway to Mexico right now to start a new life as The Acapulco Agave thief. Take my oyster money and parlay it into a new life south of the border. I mean there’s no way this guy sticks around right? What life does a man have to look forward to on Cape Cod once he is branded a shellfish kleptomaniac? That is the Scarlet Letter of Cape Cod, they’ll probably carve a big O into his chest.

P.S. How about the Police teasing us with that mystery cliffhanger line “Where he sold the oysters is going to come as a big surprise”. I’m literally not going to be able to sleep until I find out. What could it possibly be? My bet is he sold them in the parking lot of Cuddles and Bubbles to couples looking for a cheap aphrodisiac.

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Yesterday, at approximately 6 p.m. The Cape Cod Garbage Man ended his own Twitter life. He is at peace now. At this time his Twitter followers ask that you press play and listen to the above song while you read today’s ceremony.

The Twitter life is a tough life, an unforgiving life and unfortunately The Cape Cod Garbage Man wasn’t cut our for it. It turns out the limelight was no place for such a gentle Twitterer. Apparently he was concerned about his image and in the end he took his own Twitter life. Public life just isn’t for everyone I guess. The Cape Cod Garbage Man lived a good Twitter life and although it was short he left us with the gift of laughter.

Let us all bow our heads and pray.

Our Garbage man, Who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name
Thy garbage come
Thy trash get done, on earth as it is in Heaven

Give us this day our weekly trash pick up
Unless of course it is a Holiday
And then it is the day after our normal day
And lead us not to the dump
But to SeaMass to recycle. Amen.

Let us now observe a moment of silence…
.
.
.
…The Twitter followers would like to thank you all for coming. Until we Tweet again Cape Cod Garbage Man, until we Tweet again.

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Craigslist.org – You where running and walking for a long time u looked at me every time you pass buy me !!!!

Aw c’mon man! Look we all know it’s hard to get dates on Cape Cod in the middle of the winter but really? How delusional do you have to be to think that the pregnant lady that passes by you is giving you the fuck me eyes? Bro she was probably looking at you weird because she was asking herself what kind of psychopath checks out pregnant ladies.

On the other hand though it is late January in Hy-Town. The pickings are slim and sometimes you gotta roll the dice I guess. At least you know she puts out right? And think of all the money you’ll save on Plan B. Hey, maybe this guy isn’t so dumb after all?

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CapeCodToday.com – It’s No Guff Week in Falmouth this week. That means a veritable kibosh on trash talk, antagonistic texts and bullying. Instead, it is a week of reflection, kindness and respect throughout the Upper Cape town.

It also spread through the rest of the schools in town and into the community at large. Today, No Guff Week is celebrated by all members of the Falmouth community, young and old in the schools, businesses, churches and the town government.

ALL members of the Falmouth community? Well I guess we can expect some low traffic numbers from Falmouth this week. This website is basically built on Guff. How funny is it that a Cape Cod town has to actually initiate a “No Guff Week” though? Basically what we are saying is.

1. We are such sarcastic pricks to each other that we need to create an event to stop it.

2. There is zero chance that we are actually going to get people to stop being dicks altogether so let’s shoot for one week out of 52.

3. The Cape is so full of assholes that we even have to specify that town government and the church are also no prick zones for the week.

Gotta love it. Cape Cod is a special place for sure, fucking with each other is so deeply embedded in our culture we have to give it up for lent and shit. Well here is a “No Guff” toast from The Real Cape.

We love you Cape Cod, every last one of you dumb sons of bitches!

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