Hold the god damn phone! This is happening on The Cape? Hockey fights are one of the greatest pleasures in life and they are going on right under our nose?!

Can anyone fill us in on these games? Are there fights every time they play or are they rare? Are there goons? Who is the Cape Cod goon? WE NEED TO KNOW!

P.S. Not sure how I feel about the name Islanders. On one hand this is technically a man made island. On the other hand Islander hockey is derivative of New York and New York fucking sucks.

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CapeCodOnline.com – YARMOUTHPORT — Four pigs didn’t stay home Tuesday evening when they escaped from their pen at Miss Scarlett’s Blue Ribbon Farm and ran loose on Route 6A.

Around 6:30 p.m., police received a report of the hog-wild pigs, each of which weighed about 400 pounds, said Yarmouth police Sgt. Walter Warren.

“They were definitely not piglets,” Warren said.

Police were dispatched to the scene, where the pigs were darting in and out of traffic on Route 6A, said Warren.

Yarmouth police officers Mary Gibney, Mark Noone and Kevin Antonovitch rounded up the pigs and took them home, said Warren.

It’s funny how when things slow down in the winter the cops on Cape Cod lead lives so similar to the rest of us. This story sounds exactly like what a few friends and I did last weekend at the bars #winteroncape.

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CapeCodToday.com – During Patron Appreciation Week Sunday, February 9 through Saturday, February 15, the Yarmouth Town Libraries will be forgiving overdue book fines in exchange for a donation to theYarmouth Food Pantry.

Anyone with overdue books is asked to bring them to the library during the week along with a paper goods or toiletry donation for the food pantry. For donation suggestions, drop by the library or contact the food pantry.

Lie-bah-rerry? What is this lie-bah-rerry they speak of? They have books you say? A “book” is words printed on paper? And you borrow the words on paper and then bring them back? If you don’t bring them back on time you get fined? Whose idea was this lie-bah-rerry? I already have every word ever written inside of my laptop and I never get fined for having them for too long.

Hah, public lie-bah-rerries! Next you’ll try to tell me that there are public phones on the street that you pay to use! Or that stores sell maps printed on paper! I can’t believe this article thinks I’m dumb enough to believe that we have giant public buildings filled with less information than one Intel Pentium Processor.

Oh the imagination of people these days, just think what would happen if somebody really built a 5,ooo square foot building filled with paper Kindles on public property? They would be the laughing stock of the community! Lie-bah-rerries! Even the word is funny! Ha ha ha! Good one Yarmouth, I’ll have to remember this for April fools.

P.S. It’s much funnier if you say lie-bah-rerry in Cartman’s voice.

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CapeandIslands.org – Staggering increases in flood insurance rates are about to hit homeowners, especially on the Cape Islands and South Coast. The Federal Emergency Management Agency – or FEMA – has re-drawn its flood maps. So thousands of homeowners on Cape Cod, the Islands and South Coast will pay thousands of dollars more each year for flood insurance.

Challenging the new maps is expensive and time-consuming, and most often, unsuccessful. But there are a few ways homeowners can try to reduce their rates – but they come with a cost.

Rate-shopping won’t help, because flood insurance rates are set by the Federal government. They rely on FEMA flood maps, which were recently re-drawn, with many homes included in flood zones for the first time.

Anyone else think it’s a bad idea to let our federal government set our flood insurance rates? No? Well what about when you take into account the fact that they are basing our rates on maps drawn by an agency that gets its funding based on how much federal money is needed to rebuild after natural disasters? See it now?

Think about it, if flood insurance is more expensive and people can’t afford it then they can’t afford to rebuild on their own. In other words FEMA gets more money because they have to help private citizens that can’t afford insurance, and the private citizens can’t afford the insurance because FEMA maps directly affected their premiums. Hmmm, do you think that might be a slight conflict of interest? It’s enough to make you dizzy just thinking about it.

This is just another example of our government forcing us to rely on the teet of Big Brother to survive. I write a lot about how the Cape Cod Fun Police need to learn to mind their own business. Well this is a case of the Federal government needing to mind their own business and stop meddling in the relationships between Cape Cod residents and their insurance providers. I don’t know about you but I’m pretty sure they are just making the situation worse for us and better for them.

P.S. I guess it’s bitch about the government day here today. Somebody send us a photo of a giant snow dick soon before my head explodes!

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CapeCodToday.com – During the six-week period of Monday, December 16, 2013 through Monday, January 27, 2014, the officers of the Provincetown Police Department responded to 2,230 calls for service.

Over the course of those weeks, there were six warrant services, all resulting in arrests, three reports of larceny/forgery/fraud, one larceny, three breaking and entering burglaries, one domestic disturbance, two disorderly calls and eight disturbances…

One of our favorite times of the month is when Cape Cod Today publishes the P-Town police blotter. There is always at least one thing to chuckle at. Upon reading last months I thought it might be the first to disappoint us, until I got all the way down to the very last sentence that is…

…and there was one report of painted coyotes.

That’s it, that’s all it says about it. I have so many questions! Did the police respond? Did they find the painted coyotes? Do they have a lead on who painted the coyotes? Does anyone know where to get the mushrooms that the people who reported the painted coyotes were on? How can they leave this so open ended like this, don’t they know I will be thinking about it for ages. We NEED details!

I think the question that is really bothering me the most is whether or not there’s a law against painting coyotes in Provincetown to begin with. P-Town lets homeless people drink beers on the steps of their Town Hall, I’m 78% sure that coyote painting is probably encouraged there right? Plus there’s not much happening in the winter, coyote painting in P-Town is probably akin to cow tipping in Iowa.

God I hope coyote painting catches on around here. I can’t even imagine how hilarious the comments from the Piping Plover wackos would be on our articles about how much we love the new trend of psychedelic coyote packs roaming the peninsula.

P.S. A friend of mine saw a painted coyote once, but when the weed wore off he realized it was just his neighbors poodle wearing a knit sweater.

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CapeCodOnline.com – WELLFLEET — Drivers traveling on Route 6 in recent weeks will surely have seen the ghostly white bike propped against the guardrail south of the intersection with Cahoon Hollow Road.

The bike is a memorial to 16-year-old Miles Tibbetts, who was hit in the early afternoon on Aug. 17 as he biked across the highway near there. Rescuers took Tibbetts to Cape Cod Hospital in Hyannis and then to Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, but he died from his injuries, the police said.

Now, two friends, Walter Rowell, 16, and Ray Rowell, 19, both of Wellfleet, have painted a men’s racer bike white and locked it to the guardrail west of the spot where Tibbetts was hit, inspired in part by the international “Ghost Bikes” campaign to honor people injured or killed on their bikes.

This week, state Department of Transportation officials plan to remove the bike because they say it is a driving distraction, a threat to visibility and a safety hazard if a car were to hit the bike, and because there have been complaints about the bike.

The grandparents of Tibbetts and the Rowell family, however, want the bike to stay.

Absolute A+ decision making from these state officials. It is nice to know that we have such smart people in charge of our roads.

Seriously though, how does nobody at the Department of Transportation point out how terrible this idea is when they are discussing it? I don’t care about policies, protocol or how many old pricks with nothing better to do complain about this bike. When 16 year olds die and their friends and grandparents place a tribute to them on the side of the road you simply do not fuck with it. These 16 year old kids have been forced to learn to cope with both the reality of their own mortality as well as the death of a loved one their own age. They are dealing with these simultaneously, for the first time in life, and at an age when neither should be a worry yet. I’m going out on a limb and saying maybe you should bend the rules about bikes on the side of the road in this case?

It is just amazing that people in positions of power can have such a lack of common sense and decency. Let me map it out for the officials of the Department of Transportation. You want to know when the perfect time to remove Miles Tibbetts ghost bike tribute is? Whenever the Rowell boys and Grandma and Grampa Tibbetts decide it is time.

 

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Looks like we’ve got another Reddi Whip bandit on our hands. At least these people had the courtesy to actually leave the store before sucking on their hippie crack. Looks like it’s time for The Cape Cod Fun Police to officially launch a campaign against Whipped Cream. It won’t be long now until it’s in a locked glass case and we have to show three forms of ID just to enjoy some Sundaes.

God forbid you ever have to stop at the store for Sudafed and whipped cream at the same time. There will probably be a S.W.A.T. team waiting for you when you come out of the store. I can see the propaganda posters now… “Reddi Whip, the gateway drug to Crystal Meth”.

P.S. wawawawawawawawawawawawa…

Thanks to RPV for the pic

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