CapeCodToday.com – The Residential Substance Abuse Treatment (RSAT) program at the Barnstable County Correctional Facility received high praise this week.  According to a BCCF release, the facility has been chosen, along with five others, as a model for the treatment of inmates with substance abuse issues.

BCCF, three others in Massachusetts and two more in the Midwest will serve as “national mentor host sites”.

The RSAT program was started at the jail almost two decades ago and has continued through the years in a variety of forms. At any given time, the RSAT unit, one of twelve at the jail, houses 50 to 70 inmates.

Just thought I would follow that depressing post from yesterday with one a bit more positive. Barnstable County Correctional Facility being a model for recovery is a step in the right direction at least.

Not sure what the answer to this problem is, but dialogue is always good. Oh and an unstable Afghanistan can’t be helping the situation but shhh… ICE DANCING!

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CapeCodOnline.com – BOSTON — A bill that would outlaw the shackling of female prisoners during childbirth is making its way through the Massachusetts Statehouse.

The Department of Correction controls state prisons. Each county jail has its own policies regarding pregnant inmates.

Ashland Democratic state Sen. Karen Spilka, who sponsored the bill, said, “Shackling pregnant women interferes with a physician’s ability to treat mothers and their newborns, and it is an inhumane, unacceptable practice.”

So yeah this makes total sense, shackling pregnant women should most likely not be legal. Here’s the thing though, that’s not what this post is about. I have a confession to make. I was completely turned on by reading this article. Is that bad? Should that not have happened?

I kinda feel like George Costanza when he bangs the cleaning lady on his desk at work and he genuinely can’t comprehend that it was wrong. I feel like getting movement from an article about shackled pregnant inmates is probably in some gray area of immorality, but I can’t lie to myself about it either.

Guys you get where I’m coming from right? There’s just something about a crazy chick that ignites some dormant primal urge. Every once in a while you just want a girl to claw your eyes out, belittle your manhood, then key your car and slash your tires on the way out.

Don’t get me wrong we aren’t talking long term relationship stuff here, but a chick so bad that she commits crimes while heavy with child is about as frightening as it gets. And somewhere in the deepest recesses of a guys mind, being terrified of a woman is an aphrodisiac of epic proportions.

P.S. If you are absolutely horrified reading this I’d just like to say that I’m totally kidding.

P.P.S. If you are pregnant and in shackles reading this I’d just like to say that you should give me a call sometime.

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CapeCodOnline.com – EASTHAM — Trace amounts of a probable human carcinogen have been detected in the Eastham Elementary School well, prompting the Nauset Public Schools to provide bottled water to students when they return from vacation.

The level of the compound 1,4-dioxane found in the school well is way below the maximum safety standard, school Principal Scotti Finnegan explained at a Wednesday meeting at the school for parents.

The tests on the school well on Feb. 11 revealed 0.08 and 0.09 parts per billion. The safety standard used by the town is 0.3 parts per billion. So far, the town has provided 30 properties in Eastham with bottled water because their wells had 1,4-dioxane levels above 0.3 parts per billion.

The contaminant is believed to be coming from a plume from the town landfill, which is surrounded by homes and the elementary school.

The bottom line here is that if you’re gonna be a pussy about it then you simply can’t drink water that comes out of the ground anywhere on Cape Cod. We live on a sandbar folks and it is saturated with Otis jet fuel, human feces nitrates, landfill plumes and god knows what else. Sand can’t hold liquids, there are going to be trace amounts of crap in the water here all the time.

If you want to raise kids that have the immune systems of bubble boy then by all means send them to school with a bottle of Evian. But if you want a kid that doesn’t get sick every eight seconds then keep them on that town shit. Everyone knows what vaccines are right? They give you a small amount of the disease to build up an immunity to it. Well guess what, I’ve drank so much town water that I am 100% immune to toxic waste at this point. I’ve basically got an elaborate system of copper pipes for a digestive tract.

Not to mention raising your kids on town water will prepare them for an American life of poisoning themselves. Get those insides coated with Teflon now in preparation for when they inevitably start chugging 64 oz. Big Gulps after school. If your body can handle 1,4-dioxane then chances are a little aspartame isn’t going to kill you.

Don’t anyone forward this post to Jenny McCarthy though, she’ll probably write a book about how drinking water on Cape Cod turns kids into puddles of F-15 fuel.

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Ham Sandwich is our video editor mintern (an intern/minion hybrid). We have no idea where he came from and before we could figure it out he was demanding a raise, a parking spot and to be recognized as employee of the month. He’s grown on us now and I’m pretty sure we are stuck with him at this point.

Here is the way we found Adam…

Cute and innocent right? Well don’t let him fool you, he’s kind of a douche. Which basically means he fits right in around here.

Oh and speaking of fitting in, here is HamWich after we got a hold of him the other night…

 

Yeah, it looks like Ham Sandwich is gonna be around for a while. The acorn is becoming an oak tree. Funny thing is it doesn’t look like he’s thinking about raises or employee of the month honors in those pics does it?

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Thank you to MinFin Photography for the amazing pics and The Brazen Belles for…  well, existing. The MinFin Photo Booth is pretty much a game changer, check out the rest of the pics from that night here.

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The following is a screenshot of the ‘Top News’ section of The Enterprise Newspapers website. There are four spots for the top headlines and I’m sorry to report that heroin has run the board. If this were the Stanley Cup or the World Series we would take out the brooms because it’s a sweep. Heroin wins 4-0.

I’m not even going to say anything about the mess we are in, I think the screenshot speaks for itself.

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Ack.net – The island’s public cemeteries are nearly full, and town officials are pressed for finding more space, as some island families have complained that the cost of private cemetery plots is often beyond their reach.

Only two of the town’s eight public cemeteries have available plots, and the Nantucket Cemetery Commission has been working for the last two years to determine what space is available and how much to charge.

Not too long ago we wrote about Nantucket’s only funeral home closing. At the time I speculated that the people of Nantucket had found the secret to eternal life when I wrote;

We knew it would happen eventually. Apparently the 1% bourgeois elite people of Nantucket have solved the mystery of eternal life. This is the only explanation for this. People just don’t die on Nantucket anymore. Just goes to show, you can do anything if you have enough money, even live forever.

Now we find out that not only is there nowhere to have a wake on Nantucket, but there’s nowhere to bury the dead either? At this point they are just throwing their immortality right in our faces.

If I had known wearing topsiders and Nantucket Reds meant I would live forever I would have applied for a Murray’s Toggery Shop rewards card years ago. Hell I’d even rock the ones with whales on them if I had to.

This is a formal plea to any of our Nantucket readers, let me in your Highlander club please. I want to drink wine, go yachting and get hammered at The Chicken Box for forever and ever with you guys.

P.S. For you mainlanders thinking I’m a traitor, my options are running out, I’m definitely not welcome in Harwich anymore after yesterday.

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So NEMA week is winding down, and we have a few more more loose ends to tie up before our journey. I am all packed, I’ve got my M.R.E’s, notepad, clean underwear, and of course drinking shoes.

Today I bring you the nominees for Live Act of The Year. This one really hits home for us here on The Cape. Our very own Funktapuss is up for this award. Not that I am being biased… well ya I am, but with the recent domination of the Cape I don’t expect anything less than a victory from the Puss. I am always talking about going to see and support live local music, so I feel it’s only fitting that Funktapuss is up for Live Act of The Year.

Get your tix for NEMA HERE

Here are the nominees that are trying to pry the award out of the grasp of the Puss;

Echo and Drake

North of Nashville

Frank Viele

Coyote Kolb

Funktapuss

Now that I have finished my research, all 5 are capable of winning. I still have me loyalties to the Puss as most of us do. One of the great things about writing these posts the last few days has been listening to so much new music. Good luck to all these bands, keep the bangin’ fresh live shows going.

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