Capecodtoday.com – The Coast Guard urges all boaters and outdoor enthusiasts to be prepared on the water as record-setting winter weather continues.

With air temperatures in the single digits and water temperatures at or below freezing, the risks of being in the water are dangerously increased and hypothermia can quickly set in.

In related news the EPA is warning people that staring directly at the sun for hours isn’t good for your eyes. The ATF wants everyone to know that shooting yourself in the face with a gun may lead to injury and the FDA released a study confirming that sprinkling rat poison on your pasta may cause health problems.

Capecodonline.com – “The Corps’ initial response to fireworks on the railroad bridge was, ‘Hell, no,'” Gurnon told his fellow committee members Tuesday.

At least for now, the Corps is standing by its answer, worried that the fireworks might disrupt train traffic and create a safety hazard. But officials plan to meet with the fireworks company to discuss the display, which is rumored to feature a cascade of fireworks raining down from the bridge.

Referring to iconic images of fireworks bursting over the Sydney Opera House, Gurnon said pyrotechnics set off from the railroad bridge could create a lasting picture. And with Cotuit real estate developer and philanthropist David Mugar footing the bill, the centennial’s July 29 display will be handled by the same company as the annual Fourth of July Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular.

“That would go international,” Gurnon said Tuesday, imagining the scene Mugar and Atlas PyroVision Productions would like to create over the canal. “If we got that photo, it would be everywhere.”

First of all the celebration to commemorate the Canal’s 100th birthday sounds like it is actually going to be pretty bad ass. God forbid we take it to the next level and try to do something spectacular though. It’s to the point now where I can immediately tell if something is going to get the fun police riled up against it. Here is the test:

Would it be totally fucking awesome? If the answer is yes then there is no way it will be allowed. Totally fucking awesome things “create safety hazards” so we need to cancel all the totally fucking awesome things to protect society from itself. Maybe it’s time for the rest of us to round up the fun police and vote them off our man made island.

That would be totally fucking awesome.

Capenews.net – There are loud train horns—and then there are really loud train horns.

Margo J. and Vincent J. Mancinelli contend that the Mass Coastal Railroad trains that pass near their house on Great Island Road in East Sandwich are blowing the latter kind.

But P. Christopher Podgurski, president and chief executive officer of Mass Coastal, holds that his railroad’s locomotives are blowing the proper volume of horn as they approach and then cross over grade crossings in the East Sandwich area.

The dispute rose to public attention last month when Ms. Mancinelli came before the Sandwich Board of Selectmen to discuss the matter during public comment.

In the seven years that she and her husband have lived near the railroad in East Sandwich, Ms. Mancinelli said, the volume of Mass Coastal traffic on the line has risen by 200 to 300 percent.

In all fairness to the Mancinelli’s it’s not like they had any way of knowing that they would have to deal with train noise when they bought their house. I mean way back in 2007 nobody could have possibly predicted that someone would invent a time machine, go back to the year EIGHTEEN FORTY EIGHT, and build railroad tracks in their neighborhood.

Seriously what is wrong with people? Oh you don’t like the sound of train horns? Well here is a little piece of advice free of charge. Don’t buy a house next to train tracks that have been there for over a hun-dred and six-ty fuh-king years. This would be like buying a ticket to a concert and then asking them to turn down the volume. Umm… sorry guys but this is where we do the music and East Sandwich is where we do the trains OK? .

Someone needs to tell these people that despite what they might think, they aren’t more important than every other thing on earth.

Glopalpost.com – Great white sharks may live until their 70s, more than three times as long as previously thought, according to a new analysis of the marine predator’s backbones out Wednesday.

Using radiocarbon dating technology, researchers analyzed vertebrae from four male and four female adult white sharks from the northwestern Atlantic Ocean.

The largest male was 73 years old and the largest female was 40, said the report by scientists at Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution (WHOI) in Cape Cod, Massachusetts.

(previously) …the oldest white sharks ever found were a 22-year-old from the southwestern Pacific Ocean and a 23-year-old from the western Indian Ocean.

FUCK. This is not helping my irrational fear of sharks. They are already nature’s most perfect killing machine, and now we find out they are old too? For some reason age matters when it comes to conflict. You always feel like you can take someone younger than you. It is rare that a younger brother can beat up their older brother. Sons would have no chance in a fight against their father. It’s just one of the accepted rules of the universe.

It may not make a bit of sense but somehow I took a tiny bit of comfort from knowing the oldest Great White was 23 years old. I know it sounds crazy but I figured the only single advantage I had over a shark was that I have more life experience and could outsmart them. Now not only do I have to worry about their speed, size, agility etc. etc. but we find out the fuckers have old man strength too? Yup, swimming pools for me from here on out.

P.S. Nice job by whoever used to figure out how old sharks are before WHOI. You were only off by a measly FIFTY YEARS.

Capecodonline.com – BOURNE – A 48-year-old Buzzards Bay woman pleaded not guilty in Falmouth District Court on Tuesday to charges of assault and battery and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon after she allegedly smashed a mirror over a man’s head, according to court records.

Cynthia M. Murphy, of 101 Maple St., was arrested Monday by Bourne police after the man filed a complaint.

The man told police the dried blood coming from his ear was from being hit over the head with a mirror by Murphy at Jasper’s Too Motel, records say. The man told police Murphy was upset, in part, because he wouldn’t buy her more alcohol, records say.

I don’t condone violence on any level but sometimes you have to know your situation. If you are boozing it up with a Sea Hag at Jasper’s Too Motel in Buzzard’s Bay in the middle of the winter you can’t just cut off her flow of booze. Well you can but if you do it then you have to know that there is a 327% chance that she smashes a mirror over your head. That’s just the way the the game is played on Cape Cod in January.

P.S. Doesn’t matter what town you are from, that Google street view pic of Jasper’s could literally be in any town on The Cape.

Anyone know where P-Town gets its reputation? Doesn’t seem weird to me at all.