What the hell did we just watch? More importantly, how did Robert Dyer get his hands on these chips before us? There is a serious problem when Maryland YouTube weirdos are reviewing Cape Cod Chips‘ newest releases right in our face before we even know they exist. There’s a chance these would instantly go into Insane Tony’s top five list.

P.S. I thought this was a joke video, but then he hit us with this gem at the 2 minute mark… “These chips remind me of one of the great lost snacks of history, which was nacho flavored bugles”… This guy is the Rain Man of snack reviews and he means business. Seriously, check out his Chef Boyardee Pizza Twist Review. Riveting stuff. Just electric…

 

“Five stars! Another GREAT Chef Boyardee product.” Say what you will about Robert Dyer but don’t say he doesn’t have sophisticated taste.

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Capecodtoday.com – The Cape Cod Commission put the final nail in the coffin for the Lowe’s project in Dennis Thursday. According to its website, the commission accepted the subcommittee recommendation to deny the project.

Lowe’s had pitched a plan to build a home improvement store in South Dennis, just off Route 134 on Theophilis Smith Road. Shortly after the pitch, YES and NO to Lowe’s signs sprouted up on lawns all over Dennis.

We weren’t going to bother opining on this story because we figured it would be pretty obvious where The Real Cape stands on it. Apparently it’s not as obvious as we thought because everybody and their uncle is sending it to us. So here it is…

Of course we agree with it, fuck Lowe’s. I’d vote for a mayor of Cape Cod who’s first order of business would be to ban all national chains and then kick out all the ones that are already here. You ever drive through New Jersey? Every single town looks EXACTLY the same. It is a soulless wasteland of Applebee’s and TGIF’s. If you want to shop for crappy twisted lumber and eat cardboard egg rolls with mystery meat in them then pack your shit and move to Trenton.

Keep it local and save our culture is what I say. I think I may have just written the campaign slogan for whoever runs against the Fun Police Party for mayor. Don’t Jersey The Cape!

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Capecodonline.com – The latest plan to reform Cape Cod’s regional government is now officially on the table.

During its meeting inside the Barnstable District Courthouse on Wednesday, the county’s charter review committee nailed down several key details in a set of proposals that include a new legislative board elected from 11 districts across the Cape and a single executive elected Capewide.

“A mayor of Cape Cod,” said committee member and Barnstable County Commissioner William Doherty.

God bless whoever becomes mayor of Cape Cod. Talk about a lightning rod for blame. All we do is write jokes and people email us everyday blaming us for everything from Piping Plover murder to people’s drug problems. I can’t even imagine the microscope a Cape Cod mayor would live under.

Not to mention the fact that most likely the mayor would end up being some crusty old dude that hates live music and train whistles. He’d probably cancel the 4th of July fireworks and rope off the beaches so hermit crabs could mate in peace. Crusty Cape Cod mayor would deputize the fun police with badges and establish them as an actual law enforcement agency that could roam the peninsula arresting anyone with a smile on their face.

All of us normal people would retreat to our homes to have fun and complain about the powers that be. Then in the next election another douche would win because the stiffs would outvote us. We’d all be better off if everyone would just mind their own business and focus on themselves. The problem is that people on The Cape just don’t have anything to do except worry about what everyone else is doing.

So good luck future mayor of Cape Cod, you’re gonna need it.

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Capenews.net – Over the past year, someone has been throwing zip-top plastic freezer bags, stuffed with cat litter and hypodermic syringes, onto roads in South Sandwich.

The neighborhoods where these bags are being found include Bob White Circle, Clipper Circle, and Cotuit Road, near Boardley Road. Sandwich police have been finding the bags on weekday mornings, between 4 and 7 AM, during their regular patrols of the areas, but have not been able to find who is responsible.

More than a dozen bags have been picked up by the police. Five, since September alone. Police fear that there have been more, but they just weren’t found or reported.

Unbelievable. I knew Cape Cod’s heroin problem was bad but this is just ridiculous. When drug addiction is so rampant it spreads to your cats you know it has gotten out of hand. Obviously this is some kind of feline needle exchange program where the cats leave bags of old litter and needles and get a bag of fresh gear. Well at least they are being responsible about their drug use right?

I hope the problem doesn’t spread to our dogs because there’s no way a dog would be that responsible, they’d just shoot up with dirty needles and shit wherever they felt like it, drooling and nodding off in public. Dogs have no shame either, they’d probably be loitering outside of convenience stores whacked out on smack licking peoples faces and shit. At least the cats have some humility and are doing their heroin out in the woods hidden away between 4 and 7 AM.

It’s a good thing we got this early warning sign about our pets doing drugs, at least it gives us a chance to stamp it out before we get to the point where packs of dogs are sleeping on library lawns begging for spare change instead of treats.

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MVTimes.com – With a little luck, Aurora Borealis, or Northern Lights could be visible from Martha’s Vineyard tonight and Friday night. The shimmering colored lights, caused by a burst of radiation from the sun, are more common in latitudes much further north. Because of an unusual confluence of solar weather, and predicted clear skies this evening, the aurora could be visible as far south as Massachusetts.

I’m sure everyone has heard about this by now. I have yet to find a person that saw them last night but apparently we have two more nights to go. That is as long as the Cape Cod Fun Police don’t find a way to stop it. So go out there and get your Copernicus on if the Northern Lights are on your bucket list. Or you could just take acid and see them without even going outside, that’s up to you.

P.S. If you didn’t understand the photo of Dr. Teeth and its caption then shame on either you or your parents depending on your age. One of the greatest songs in history…

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Craigslist. org

Packaging Bubbles Large to Small
Bags of em
Packing Peanuts
And more packing stuff
Come get em!
Exit 12
No Blue Box or carpet Cleaner or wooden door in background…

This Orleans lunatic must have the most self control of any human being on the planet. When packaging bubbles come into my life everything else stops immediately. I have been known to cancel plans two days in advance when a package comes with bubbles because I know I will be utterly consumed by the need to pop every single one of them. Bottom line is packaging bubbles are just pure unadulterated joy.

Yet this person not only didn’t pop them immediately, they are storing them and giving them away? If you are giving away packaging bubbles on Craigslist you might as well just move to North Korea because as far as I’m concerned you hate America and everything it stands for.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony