A Cape Cod Prayer

The tide recedes, but leaves behind

bright seashells on the sand.

The sun goes down, but gentle warmth

still lingers on the land.

The music stops, yet echoes on

in sweet, soulful refrains.

For every joy that passes,

something beautiful remains.

I constantly write about how friendships you build while growing up on Cape Cod are different from anywhere else. Sure, a lot of that has to do with small towns and long winters, but it’s more than that.

Cape Cod friendships are something I hope everyone has the privilege to be a part of. There’s no deeper love, loyalty or understanding – Cape Cod friendships are unbreakable.

We unfortunately learn at a young age that tragedy strikes often and most likely when we least expect it. Whether it’s a car accident, a drug overdose or a poor choice, we’ve all had people we know, love and grew up with leave us far too soon. But we cannot save people, we can only love them.

Tragedy strikes no matter where you live or how you grew up. But there is nothing worse than signing onto Facebook to see the far too familiar “R.I.P.” status all over your newsfeed. Your heart begins to pound as you try and figure out who it could be they’re referring to and how it happened. Then the phone calls and text messages start coming in. It doesn’t matter how close you were to the now deceased because chances are someone you are close with, someone you love very much, was one of their good friends, and their pain is yours.

I can’t explain it, but if you’re from the Cape, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The confusion, the anger and the “what could I have done to stop it?” begins to set in. You think about the last time you saw that person and what was said. You begin to remember everyone else who has passed away that you maybe shared a locker with in high school, played on the same sports team or even dated. You never feel more alone than in that moment.

But what I’ve learned, is that you’re never alone when you grew up like we did because this is when we thrive and come together to prove how deeply routed and strong our friendships are. This is when we remind each other that death ends a life, not a friendship. You have a line of people at your front door with hot meals and open arms before you’ve even had a chance to process everything. They’ll pour you a shot, share stories about The Departed or just sit in silence if that’s what it takes. They stand in line for hours to pay their respects and you can’t keep track of all the cards and phone calls you receive.

They show up before you even know you needed them. And more importantly, they stay.

That’s love. That’s loyalty. That’s a Cape Cod Friendship.

Rest easy and may the waves carry you home.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

4th of July weekend on Cape Cod is about as fun as AIDS. Everyone and their mother ventures over the bridge seeking sun, salt water and summer kids with trust funds. You literally cannot take a left anywhere in town while driving and everyone suddenly becomes a fucking cyclist. I.Hate.People.On.Bikes.

Listen, if you ride your bike like I drive my car, than you should have to pay excise tax or I don’t know, FUCKING GO AS FAST AS A CAR. We spent how much money on bike paths and you decide to ride along 151 or 28? Makes sense. Get out of my way before I throw something at your stupid little spandex-covered self.

ANYWAYS..

Everyone was all up in arms over Hurrican Arthur but I said fuck it, come on over, bro. I mean we needed the rain and I was hoping it would result in less people inhabiting my beach town. Or at the very least kill off some piping plovers so we could get some of Washburn back. We ended up getting rain and yesterday was windy which really pissed me off because the solar powered grill took longer to cook my hot dog but who am I to complain? *Thanks Spike and Caitey <– yea. I did that. 

Fireworks are my absolute favorite and I wish every day could be the 4th of July. It’s such a great holiday because families still all come together like they do at Thanksgiving and Christmas but it’s nice outside, no one has to buy gifts and there’s explosives.

I walked to the end of my best friends street to watch them, just like we did as children, except this time we were drunk. Actually we were probs drunk as children, too, just not on classy shit like Twisted Tea. Back in the day we had to settle for the Zima’s we stole out of some rando’s cooler. #Throwback

Although I love fireworks more than most things, they sometimes make me sad. I just feel like fireworks are so great that you should share the moment of watching shit explode in the sky above your head with someone you love. So I got weird emo for like, 30 seconds, because I felt super alone. Then Nintendo-No-Friendo came out of nowhere in a sketchy black hoody spitting some garbage about wanting to blow shit up and kill things and I remembered things could always be worse. Like that I could be standing next to him while he whispered sweet nothings about dead people and war plans while I tried to celebrate the birth of my nation. Oh, wait..

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

And the questions keep coming..

So I’ve been dating this guy and he said he really liked me as a person but thinks we should take some time apart to see if it helps us figure out how we really feel about each other and what we want. When do you think is an acceptable time to call and see if he knows how he feels about us?

Delusional Debbie,

Homeboy just politely told you he’s not interested in dating you. The acceptable time to call is when you want to know where he got you that heinous heart shaped necklace for Christmas because you want to pawn it for the new season of Game of Thrones on DVD.

Sure, he may call you in a week and say he wants to give it another shot and “see where things go”, but guess what, Psycho Sally – his bro’s are probably out of town that weekend or he got a gift card to Red Robbin that he’s too embarrassed to use at the bar by himself so will reconcile with you long enough to consume his all beef patty while unleashing his man grease into your lady parts.

Trust me..Don’t call.

Another question received last week:

What do you do to lose weight or stay in shape? And how do you always seem to have such a positive attitude?

(I’m not in shape, but let’s pretend I am for the sake of this question.) Personally, I shed a few pounds by doing the “Stop Dipping Your Life in Ranch Dressing” diet and walking up the stairs to get snacks instead of texting my Mom to bring them to me in the basement.

But in all seriousness, if you’re looking to get in shape or lose weight – BE REALISTIC. Stop shoving Fritos down your pie hole and hop on a treadmill. Or at least WALK to get the Fritos and only buy a .99 cent bag instead of the full size $3.49 one. Now you’re losing weight AND saving money. Christ, I’m better than Dr. Phil.

As for the positivity – You clearly must be confusing me with someone else because I’m kind of fucking miserable. I do, however, maintain the attitude of literally not caring about anything that doesn’t better me as a person, improve me physically or mentally or make me money. <– that’s a fucking lie. I just in fact don’t really care about anything.

At the end of the day, I’m just thankful I’m not one of those people on the TLC show “My Strange Addiction” that dry humps the Berlin Wall, has sex with cars, eats hair or lives life as an adult baby.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

It’s that time of the week again; time to roll your way to Liam MaGuire’s for amazing food and glasses filled with things you didn’t know fit into glasses, suspended above the sweet nectar that comes from the make-your-own Bloody Mary bar. As if anything is more persuasive than food and booze, there’s also live acoustic music. Seriously, look at this thing:

I’d trade my first born for one of those. The brunch runs from 12 noon to 3 pm, at 273 Main st. in Falmouth. I would not lead you astray when we say that you really need to try these Bloody Mary’s to appreciate them. Also, let’s be real, you don’t have anything else to do.

Here is the entire build your own bloody menu in all of its glory followed by a bunch of food selections…

Sunday Brunch

Breakfast Burrito

Scrambled eggs, bacon, cheese, and two hash browns with an avocado chipotle aioli.

Irish Breakfast

Two eggs cooked to order, two rashers, two bangers, black and white pudding, home fries, and a fried tomato. Served with brown bread.

Crab cakes Eggs Benedict

Two English muffins topped with jumbo crab cakes, Irish bacon, poached eggs and our own homemade hollandaisesauce. Served with home fries.

French Toast

Three slices of thick cut Sourdough bread dipped in our own cinnamon French toast batter. Served with a side fresh fruit.

Chicken & Waffles

Habanero Guinness waffles with two fried chicken breasts, smothered in Southern style white gravy, made with our own bangers. Served with REAL New England Maple syrup and pickled vegetables.

So the bottom line here is that this is going to be an absolutely perfect way to knock the cobwebs off from Saturday Night and start Sunday Funday with a bang. The Real Cape will be there, will you?

 

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

My parents raised me to be nice to everyone. I was taught to always treat everyone the same, kill people with kindness and NEVER be rude. I like to think that I’m what can be classified as a “nice girl”, like…78% of the time.

Politeness is huge for me, and I can’t stand rude people. I am the girl that will sit at a table and eat a meal that I find absolutely repulsive while secretly vomiting into a napkin when your mother isn’t looking, all with a smile on my face while telling her how delicious it is and asking for the recipe.

I once walked around for an entire day wearing a disgusting leopard top that was about 9 sizes too small for me with a matching crystal necklace that had a fucking cheetah paw on it, because my ex-boyfriends mother gave it to me for Christmas.

Some people may call that fake, but I call it being a nice girl. That woman went out of her way to buy me a gift. If walking around like a hobo for the day makes her feel good about her heinous shopping choices, I’ll do it. Then, when an appropriate amount of time has passed I’ll invite her shopping and show her how to buy things for me that don’t make me want to commit suicide.

I’m also REALLY bad at brushing a guy off when he hits on me. Not that it happens often, but I absolutely hate when someone gets embarrassed or feels rejected. So I’ll awkwardly giggle or pretend I have to go to the bathroom or tell them I have AIDS. Not kidding.

Guy: Hey what’s up – you’re way to pretty to be sitting here by yourself..

Me:

Although I am a very polite, nice person..there are times when even I find it appropriate to be mean and occasionally rude. For example:

When a guy isn’t taking your polite brush off’s and won’t leave you alone. Listen, bro, I’ve told you about 6 different ways that I’m not interested, now back the fuck down before I take out my pepper spray and show you why they call me the Ginja Ninja. Thankfully, girl code always states that you have a signature “help me” face – so I’m always saved before the weapons come out.

If I ever find myself in a situation where I just can’t hide behind a fake smile and laugh then I just pretend I’m sleeping. Or really drunk. That way if someone decides to bring it up later on you blame it on not being coherent.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

I will be the first person to correct anyone who misuses the word ‘Bitch’. Don’t get me wrong, I think there is a time and a place when it’s acceptable to be a bitch, i.e. the workplace, because 90% of the time we are presented with no other option than to be a down right heartless bitch.

That word, however, has a COMPLETELY separate meaning from that of a ‘Betch’, which I proudly proclaim myself as. Here are a few examples to further clarify;

When trying to justify why someone may not like them: 

Bitch view – “fuck everyone and what they think because I hate them all and their opinions don’t mean shit” 

Betch view –“I honestly just feel bad, like for THEM, because that means I won’t be around, which means their life is going to suck, and I obviously don’t want that” #worldpeace

When they get dumped:

Bitch view – “what an ASSHOLE! I can’t even believe I wasted my time”

Betch view – “Wait, we were dating?”

When it’s snowing outside and your sister asks you to go to the store and get food for the family (and by food I mean more wine):

Bitch view – “Yeah, I’m not leaving”

Betch view – She doesn’t say anything, she just texts her latest hook up and exchanges a handy-j for food and booze

When you catch the guy you’ve been sleeping with at the bar with another girl:

Bitch view – “He’s fucking dead”

Betch view – “I’ll have a vodka soda please. And also a side of Jack Daniels and maybe a sharp object of some sort. And also, are you single?”

Don’t be confused: Bitches get shit done. Betches also get shit done, they just have other people get it done for them.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

This week, we’ll discuss life lessons I feel both important and relevant to share. Mostly because I didn’t know how else to answer this question and I’m in the middle of season 2 of Game of Thrones and needed a break from baby slaying and incest.

You seem to always be injured or in some sort of random, senseless situation. How the hell do you get out of them?

Concerned Citizen,

First, I’d like to thank you for your concern. Second, I’d like to tell you that I have no idea how I end up where I do in life, let alone how I’m still alive. But what I will share, are a few life lessons I’ve picked up while wandering down the long, sparkly road that is my life. Take them as you will, since most of them are complete bullshit, and border line offensive, but whatevs, I do what I want.

1 – When laying out at the beach, pool or boat always set up shop next to someone bigger than you. Why? Well for starters they most likely don’t have many friends so why not be nice for once and two you’ll look skinnier. Also, they probs have good snacks. You’re welcome.

2 – Despite what your mom, sisters, friends or the media says; don’t put makeup on or do your hair every day. I have literally LIVED by this rule my entire life. I would SO much rather look mediocre every day and get a “Oh you look BEAUTIFUL!” on the rare occasion I actually put effort in, than show up to work/life without being done up and receive the comments we all dread that consist of “you look tired” or “are you feeling okay?” In to which my direct response is typically “kill yourself”.

Low expectations = high return. Trust me.

3 – If you do decide to go the makeup route, ALWAYS wash your face before you go to bed even if you’re having a sleep over with a dude. No matter how good you think you look, I can promise you that when you roll over in the morning, homeboy is going to notice the black streaks bleeding from your eyes and the lipstick smeared all over your face.

4 – If you’re passionate about something, own it. Example: I’m obsessed with sharks. Yes, largely due to their bad ass nature and lord of the sea reputation, and sure I wear some sort of shark inspired jewelry every day, own multiple pieces of clothing including a bikini with Native Americans riding Great White’s all over it (EBay purchase: didn’t look at the picture close enough before purchasing) and have shark jaws hanging all over my apartment.  BUT I also happen to know pretty much everything about them. I have literally spent years studying the species as a whole. I fucking take vacation time off for Shark Week on Discovery and am going Great White cage diving in South Africa in a couple of months. Get on my level.

5 – Figure out a way to spin every situation into a good one. You get dumped? Start a blog that reaches 10,000 followers in less than two months and launches you into stardom. Lose your job? Use your spare time to follow the dream you might not have had the guts or time to before; like stripping. Feeling down because all your friends are engaged/married and you’re living alone with nothing to keep you company but wine and Lifetime? Study sharks.

6 – Read. A lot. And I don’t mean The Glitter Ginger, Betches.com (the bible) or the latest Nicholas Sparks (<–what are you, 9?) Read books, articles and magazines that aren’t necessarily in your comfort zone or of interest to you. I recently started getting into books about World War II and Seal Team 10 – sure, the closest I’ve come to war in real life is sleeping with a marine, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t educate myself on history or show him respect by learning enough to have an intelligent conversation about something he’s dedicated his life to.

Education is the key to life – and if that key doesn’t open the door you’re trying to get through than at least be pretty enough to get a good looking man to open it for you.

One Love. -GG

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony