4th of July Weekend: Whatever.

4th of July weekend on Cape Cod is about as fun as AIDS. Everyone and their mother ventures over the bridge seeking sun, salt water and summer kids with trust funds. You literally cannot take a left anywhere in town while driving and everyone suddenly becomes a fucking cyclist. I.Hate.People.On.Bikes.

Listen, if you ride your bike like I drive my car, than you should have to pay excise tax or I don’t know, FUCKING GO AS FAST AS A CAR. We spent how much money on bike paths and you decide to ride along 151 or 28? Makes sense. Get out of my way before I throw something at your stupid little spandex-covered self.


Everyone was all up in arms over Hurrican Arthur but I said fuck it, come on over, bro. I mean we needed the rain and I was hoping it would result in less people inhabiting my beach town. Or at the very least kill off some piping plovers so we could get some of Washburn back. We ended up getting rain and yesterday was windy which really pissed me off because the solar powered grill took longer to cook my hot dog but who am I to complain? *Thanks Spike and Caitey <– yea. I did that. 

Fireworks are my absolute favorite and I wish every day could be the 4th of July. It’s such a great holiday because families still all come together like they do at Thanksgiving and Christmas but it’s nice outside, no one has to buy gifts and there’s explosives.

I walked to the end of my best friends street to watch them, just like we did as children, except this time we were drunk. Actually we were probs drunk as children, too, just not on classy shit like Twisted Tea. Back in the day we had to settle for the Zima’s we stole out of some rando’s cooler. #Throwback

Although I love fireworks more than most things, they sometimes make me sad. I just feel like fireworks are so great that you should share the moment of watching shit explode in the sky above your head with someone you love. So I got weird emo for like, 30 seconds, because I felt super alone. Then Nintendo-No-Friendo came out of nowhere in a sketchy black hoody spitting some garbage about wanting to blow shit up and kill things and I remembered things could always be worse. Like that I could be standing next to him while he whispered sweet nothings about dead people and war plans while I tried to celebrate the birth of my nation. Oh, wait..


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