Today, on the 10th of September, in the year of our lord two thousand and fourteen, The Glitter Ginger made history with a landmark blog post in which she called me out and contradicted my stance on sharks. I am, for the sake of sanity, not going to point out the fact that I’ve labeled my fear “irrational”, and reached new levels of hyperbole on the subject as a tongue in cheek parody of the current media fueled frenzy. I am going to put on my rose colored glasses and assume that our readers understand and appreciate the satirical aspect of my position.

With that said, I am now going to defend my fictional stance with intense fervor! Nobody, and I mean nobody, questions my fake stance on a non issue on my own website!

I’m sorry to have to do this to you GG, but your argument, while quite possibly correct, was delivered with completely flawed logic that renders it moot. The thing about statistics is that 78% of them are wrong 89% of the time.

Fact: Statistics kill more people per year than atom bombs!

I’m going to break this right down to the lowest common denominator. It will be short and sweet, and it will dismantle this “less dangerous than” argument with impunity.

The Glitter Ginger uses three references in her argument. She states that the following things are more dangerous to humans than sharks;

1. Coconuts
2. Hot dogs
3. Vending machines

That’s a random enough list to lead us to believe that SHE may have been hit in the head by a falling coconut while she was in California.

Here is the problem. Notice something that all three of those have in common? They are all on land. Where do humans live? Land. Where do sharks live? Water. Think about how skewed these comparisons are for a second. Of the 7 billion people on earth, how many minutes, collectively, do you think they spend in the water on a daily basis? How much time on land? Now multiply those two numbers by 365 days per year and we are talking about an ASTRONOMICAL difference in the time humans spend on land and the time they spend in water. Of course the percentages are WAY off.

Fact: Vending machines don’t have 5-7 rows of 50 teeth.

So, sorry to bring logic into the argument here, but saying that you have more of a chance of being killed by a vending machine than a shark is no different than saying you have a higher chance of choking on a sausage in Chicago than on the moon. No shit, but the latter statement means totally different things to you depending on whether you are Mike Ditka or an astronaut. I’m neither, but I do live on a peninsula surrounded by sharks.

Fact: Hot dogs can’t swim 25 miles per hour.

Thanks a lot Glitter Ginger, your post did nothing to quell my fear of sharks, but now I’m scared shitless of three new things that I used to think were my friends.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Capecodonline.com – West Nile virus has been detected in a mosquito collected this month in Falmouth, according to a posting on the website of the Massachusetts Department of Health. The Falmouth Health Department has posted a West Nile virus notice online stating that the mosquito was collected at a sampling site in the area of Woods Hole Road in early September.

According to the online post, the area around the sampling site has been treated by personnel from the Cape Cod Mosquito Control Project. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), “West Nile virus is an arthropod-borne virus (arbovirus) most commonly spread by infected mosquitoes. West Nile virus can cause febrile illness, encephalitis (inflammation of the brain) or meningitis (inflammation of the lining of the brain and spinal cord).”

Falmouth coming in hot lately! The governor might as well declare a state of emergency and send in The National Guard at this point.

Like we don’t have enough problems on this peninsula. We’re surrounded by sharks, drugs are everywhere, Ticks have some new disease worse than Lyme, people are getting murdered in alleys, and now we add West Nile to the list? How the hell did a mosquito get all the way here from Africa anyway? Did he hitch a ride on that doctor that just got shipped back full of Ebola?

I’m not sure how I’m going to get it in the budget, but it looks like I need to amend my request to put a giant shark net around The Cape to include a giant mosquito net as well. On the plus side, I’ve been thinking lately that I need a new style hat to wear. I am officially declaring that these things are in now…

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You simply can’t get any more Masshole than this chick. Absolutely hilarious. Unfortunately for us, once the “interlopers” have the house in Lexington, Teva’s, and a kid when they’re 50, they buy a summer house on The Cape.

Gotta love the puffs of smoke…

thanks to Laura for the tip

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Capecodonline.com – A West Barnstable man was arraigned Thursday in Barnstable District Court on charges he broke into a Hyannis apartment while naked and attacked the resident with a broomstick.

Isiah Cunningham, 21, pleaded not guilty to breaking and entering in the nighttime to commit a felony, open and gross lewdness, assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and vandalizing property.

At around 3 a.m. Thursday, police responded to an apartment on Route 132 for a report of a fight, according to a Barnstable Police Department report.

The male victim, who had fled the apartment, told police he had been watching TV on the first floor when he suddenly saw a naked man, later identified as Cunningham, standing in his living room, according to the report. The victim told police he recognized Cunningham as someone he had gone to school with but not someone he hangs out with, the report says.

Cunningham allegedly punched the victim, threw him against a bookshelf and then hit him with a broomstick, according to the report.

During the attack, Cunningham repeatedly yelled, “Where is Erin? Tell me where Erin is,” the report says.
When police entered the apartment, another male resident told police he had been sleeping in his bedroom when he awoke to Cunningham looking around his dresser, according to the report.

Cunningham allegedly said that he was not there to hurt him and that he was looking for Erin before leaving through the back door, the report says.

Police found Cunningham, still naked, running around the parking lot of the apartment complex, according to the report.

Cunningham told police he had been drinking all evening, the report says.

I think it’s safe to say that summer is officially over and the townies have come out of hibernation. I always get excited about a new season of crazy Cape Cod criminals and this one is starting with a bang. One week into the off season and we’ve had a girl with drugs in her anus, clown pranks gone bad, and now a good old fashioned naked delusional guy broomstick attack.

There are a few hidden gems in this report. One that stands out is naked guy telling the second dude that he wasn’t there to hurt him just minutes after he Babe Ruth’d his roommate with a broomstick. Thanks for the re assurance naked guy, but I think I’ll keep my distance in case you decide to play Quidditch with MY face too.

As outlandish as naked guys post beat down claim of pacifism was, it pales in comparison to when he tells the cops he’d been drinking all night. Oh really? When we saw you running around the parking lot naked with a bloody broomstick we figured you were of sound mind and body. Thanks Captain Obvious.

The real meat of this story is obvious though. I have never in my life needed to know anything more than I need to know who Erin is. Somebody find me this Erin right now. I NEED to know who she is and what she looks like or I won’t sleep!

thanks to Jules for the tip

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Capecodonline.com – Two men were arrested Thursday evening after unsuccessfully trying to videotape a prank that entailed knocking on a stranger’s door and springing from a large box in a scary clown mask.

At about 5:50 p.m. Thursday, an off-duty Barnstable police officer on a small street off Shootflying Hill Road saw Nicholas Court, 25, and Jonathan Gebbia, 21, run through his backyard and over to his neighbor’s house, Sgt. Sean Sweeney said.

Court, of Dennis Port, was dressed in all black and wearing a “freaky clown mask” with blood and scars, Sweeney said, leading the off-duty officer to call police to report that the two appeared to be preparing to break into his neighbor’s house.

Court, carrying a large box, stepped onto the neighbor’s front porch while Gebbia, of Hyannis, hid in the bushes with a video camera, Sweeney said. The off-duty officer ran over to intervene before the 34-year-old woman inside the house answered the door, Sweeney said.

Court and Gebbia told the off-duty officer that they did not know the residents of the house.

“They explained they were going to put it on YouTube. The woman had never seen the people before. It was a strictly random pick,” Sweeney said.

Court and Gebbia were arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and trespassing on land, Sweeney said.

At the police station, Sgt. Dave Myette noted that an elderly person could have answered the door and had a heart attack. The two said they had not considered that possibility.

Court and Gebbia were scheduled to be arraigned this morning in Barnstable District Court. Police seized the video camera, Sweeney said.

Is it a dick move to pull this prank on random people instead of ones you know? Sure, but it also has a chance to be really funny. It’s basically a risk/reward type thing that polices itself. You might get internet gold, like some hilarious sassy black chick who loses her shit and freaks out so bad her extensions fall out, or you might get an ex marine who kicks the shit out of you. These are the risks you take when trying to make a viral prank video.

This is definitely one of those “sign of the times” situations. I’m 99% sure these two don’t get arrested for this 20 years ago. We just live in so much fear these days that we lock people up for jokes and seize their video cameras. It wouldn’t surprise me if they were charged with being terrorists. Nantucket should probably sound their air raid sirens. Everyone lock your doors and grab your transistor radios! Close the bridges, there’s crazy clowns on the loose! Hide the children and elderly! Oh the humanity!

The bottom line is that prank videos are kinda dumb and anyone who does them deserves whatever repercussions they get. In fact I openly root for them to get their asses kicked, but do they belong in jail? I’m not so sure of that.

P.S. How many old people die of prank induced heart attacks per year? Negative infinity?

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Globe – The death of a man in Falmouth Thursday night is under investigation by Falmouth police and Cape and Islands District Attorney Michael O’Keefe.

The man, who died from some sort of a cut wound, was injured some time between 9 and 10 p.m. Thursday night near Shore Street in the Cape Cod town, O’Keefe said

Police are looking into several locations with search warrants, O’Keefe said. But he declined to be more specific.

That’s two in less than two months. Let’s slow down on the dead bodies Falmouth.

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wcvb.com – The father of one of the two kayakers whose boats were overturned by a great white shark said the women paddled out hoping to see it.

A pleasant trip by two Massachusetts kayakers to check out some cute seals turned terrifying as the pair encountered a great white shark.

Randy Parker told the Old Colony Memorial newspaper that he expected the young women would recover fully, but that initially they were understandably traumatized.

He said he didn’t fault the two for their adventurousness, and acknowledged that they had paddled out to the rocks along Stage Point in Plymouth in the hope of seeing a great white shark.

“They heard from our neighbor that a great white had consumed a seal in one gulp in that area,” Parker said. “So they decided to head out on the chance they could get a good look at one.”

With a camera attached to Kristin’s kayak, the two women paddled 10 minutes from the Parkers’ home on Manomet Beach to an area off Stage Point.

This is unreal. We had a bunch of people telling us how mean we were after our post where we gave these girls shit for kayaking with the seals. The number one reason people said we should feel bad for them is that there aren’t usually sharks in that area so they couldn’t have known not to kayak near seals. Well once again, we were right, they should have known… and did.

Not only did they know  there were sharks around, but they heard that a Great White Shark had EATEN A SEAL earlier in the day and they set out to intentionally look for it and take pictures. You have got to be shitting me. How can you possibly feel bad for these girls after hearing this? They are the luckiest people on planet earth.

I’m sorry, but if you know there is a Great White Shark that has been feeding in the area, and you purposely kayak into the middle of a seal colony and splash around, you give up all rights to any sympathy when the shark tries to eat your ass. If you heard there was a serial killer at 7-11 would you strap on the GoPro and go get a Slurpee?

I was hesitant before, but now that this information has come to light, I think it’s officially time to give these two a Darwin Award. Congratulations ladies.

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