Whoa, settle down there Wendy’s, nothing like throwing sucker punches out of nowhere. When they were casting this commercial they must have blindfolded themselves and thrown darts at really old issues of People Magazine. Who the hell cares what these three washed up chumps have to say about anything, let alone Barbecue? What, were Webster, Screech, and Gilligan busy? Hey Wendy’s, ever been to Wellfleet? How about a little place called Marconi Beach Restaurant…

Didn’t think so. One more question… How many of your restaurants have a giant smoker and a cord of wood out front? None? That’s what I thought. Take your cute little commercial, your shitty pulled pork, the three ass clowns you rode in with and get the fuck off my peninsula!

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CCT – Three men were arrested on heroin charges in Bourne Thursday following a series of phone calls and texts sent to a very wrong number. According to an Orleans police release, over the course of a few days, Det. Sgt. Andrew McLaughlin received multiple calls and texts on his OPD issued cell phone asking if he wanted to buy some drugs.

The caller was looking for a man named Mike and found Det. Sgt. McLaughlin instead.

Following a short joint investigation conducted by Orleans police, members of the MA State Police Cape Cod Drug Task Force and Bourne police, “Mike” agreed on a quantity of heroin and a meeting place.

It looks like we can retire the Crazy Cape Cod Criminal feature here at The Real Cape. I’m pretty sure nobody will ever be able to top this act of genius. These guys certainly ran into some shitty luck, but the real loser in this situation has to be Mike right? The poor guy is probably twitching and sweating from withdrawals, lying in the fetal position and wondering what the hell he did to make his drug dealer stop texting him all of a sudden.

Mike if you happen to read this, don’t blame yourself man… it’s not your fault… Mike… it’s not your fault… seriously… it’s not your fault.

thanks to Rodger and Sharon for the tip

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Fox – The Sandwich Fire Department rescued a dog that jumped into the Cape Cod Canal Sunday.

At 9:27 a.m., the fire department received a call that Moxie, a female terrier mix, jumped into canal after chasing seagulls. Libby and Phil Smith, the dog’s owners, say Moxie wasn’t prepared for the strong current in the canal.

“It may be funny now, but not so funny then,” Libby Smith said.

Within 10 minutes of the dog paddling in the canal, the fire department had launched a marine unit that rescued the dog outside the containment boom at the NRG terminal.

Firefighter Jeremy Cadrin, shown in the attached photo, reunited Moxie with her owner. Firefighters Mike Harrington, Cpt. Robert Black and Matt Thompson helped in the rescue.

“They were awesome,” Libby Smith said. “Luckily we were not too far from them. She was in there at least 20 minutes. So luckily they were pretty close by and they got her before she got tired out.”

As far as Moxie and her eventful morning, she may have learned better than to chase birds into the water.

“Let’s hope so.”

Awesome story. Right when you start thinking that society is doomed, a couple of firefighters rescue a pooch out of The Canal and all is right with the world again.

I would have loved to see the look on Moxie’s face once she was rescued. You know she had that classic guilty dog face like “Oh man I’m sorry, I can’t believe I screwed up so bad that you had to call the fire department.”

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CCT – It’s officially fall–time for festival foods, Halloween candy and Thanksgiving turkey. Which means it is the perfect time to exercise and keep those potential party pounds off.

Earlier this year, the state Department of Conservation and Recreation (DCR) implemented the Healthy Heart Initiative. Under the program, 70+ trails across the commonwealth were designated heart healthy. Five of those trails are here on Cape Cod.

What the hell is a “healthy” trail? Or more importantly, what the hell is an unhealthy trail? All but five of our trails on Cape Cod aren’t “healthy”? Do they have Ring Dings lining them like cobblestones and complimentary four wheelers so you don’t have to walk? I guess the five “healthy” ones don’t have escalators instead of hills and you are forced to do sit ups every 100 yards?

This is an ugly trend we are facing by stretching the truth when labeling things. It’s kind of like all these foods in the supermarket that say things like “all natural” on the label. Sorry, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy, it just means that your cereal doesn’t have synthetic moon rocks in it. Calling a trail “healthy” is like calling a bathing suit “sexy”. The truth of such statements REALLY depends on what you do with it.

I have a secret for you, simply meandering down a trail in the woods doesn’t make you “healthy”. Like most people who grew up on Cape Cod, I used to walk in the woods all the time smoking butts and drinking beer, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t make me Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A healthy trail… so preposterous, I suppose it’s probably gluten free too right?

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Southcoasttoday.com – NOAA Fisheries Regional Administrator John Bullard has the Gulf of Maine cod crisis all to himself after the New England Regional Fisheries Council found no consensus and simply voted to ask him to just do something.

The council spent most of Wednesday morning hearing mostly criticism of the council’s plan to sharply restrict cod fishing from Cape Cod Bay to Eastport, Maine, which would have the side effect of putting charter fishing boats out of business.

The council then spent three hours in the afternoon debating a motion to ask Bullard to take some specific actions, but eventually the motion failed in an 8-9 vote, with member John Quinn of Dartmouth voting ‘no.’

Member Thomas Dempsey of Chatham scolded the council, saying that the failure to pass the motion was an “enormous mistake.”

He said the council was abdicating, “handing control over to the agency.”

When member Doug Grout of Durham, N.H., then made a motion simply asking Bullard to do something, without being specific, Bullard called it the worst of three proposals, but better than nothing.

Genius! After three hours of debate, with the future of the fishing industry on Cape Cod and beyond in their hands, the council dedicated to fishing has come to the conclusion that some other council should “Just do something”. Obviously, such a thoughtful and detailed plan was met with overwhelming approval, members gushing over the decision called the plan an “enormous mistake”, “the worst of three proposals”, and “better than nothing”. Talk about a ringing endorsement!

Hopefully this sparks a revolution in Cape Cod politics. When the powers that be have no idea what the hell to do about an issue they can just pass the buck and ask someone else to “just do something”. Oh, there’s an affordable housing problem? Just do something. The water table is rising and we are facing a massive wastewater problem? Just do something. John Bullard really hit the nail on the head. Everyone knows that “something”, while a horrible plan, is indeed better than “nothing”.

We could change the welcome signs at the bridges:

“Welcome to Cape Cod, it’s really something, which is better than nothing… right?”

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Globe – A Coast Guard helicopter from Cape Cod hoisted four lobstermen to safety after their boat sank in 250 feet of water about 40 miles south of Block Island, R.I., Thursday morning, officials said.

The four men aboard the 60-foot Sakonnet Lobster sent a distress call at about 4:15 a.m. after the boat began taking on water, the Coast Guard said in a statement.

By 6:40 a.m., the crew had abandoned ship, dressed in survival suits. By 7 a.m., a Coast Guard MH-60T Jayhawk helicopter had arrived from Cape Cod and hoisted all four men to safety, the Coast Guard said.

“These are very lucky, but also very prepared fishermen,” Lieutenant Matt Vanderslice, the co-pilot of the aircraft from Air Station Cape Cod, said in the statement. “They had all the right gear onboard, it worked, and they knew how to use it. That’s why they’re safely back on land today.”

Not much to see here, just dramatic footage of our Cape Cod Coast Guard at work, saving lives is just what they do.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CBS – Drivers who routinely use Route 6 on the Cape have likely noticed all of the trees in a stretch of median almost all gone.

“I don’t know what the concerns were with the trees but it took a lot of the beauty away,” said Sagamore resident Heather Gallo. “I think it’s kind of bare now.”

State Representative Randy Hunt, who represents part of the Cape in the Massachusetts legislature, says he’s been besieged by emails and Facebook messages from angry constituents over so many trees wiped out.

“I see no reason for mowing down perfectly healthy 30 to 40-year old trees,” said Hunt.

In an email to WBZ-TV, the Massachusetts Department of Transportation said there were a number of reasons for clearing the trees, including public safety, but the project has been halted for the time being.

“And I think part of what people come down here for the Cape is the ambiance, the nature, the scenery, and it’s horrific, it’s absolutely horrific what they’ve done,” said Harwich resident Chuck O’Connor.

Sons of Cape Cod! I am Hippie. And I see a whole army of my peninsulamen, here in defiance of tyranny! You have come to fight as tree men. And tree men you are! What will you do without trees on the median? Will you fight?

Fight and you may die. Run and you will live at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here as young men and tell the Mass DOT that they may take our trees, but they will never take… our freedom!

P.S. Don’t Jersey The Cape

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony