Capecodonline.com – On Tuesday another lane of the Sagamore Bridge will be closed for a $12.5 million painting project.

For the past three weeks, one lane headed on Cape was closed 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m while the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers worked on the bridge, but all lanes were open at night and on weekends.

But starting this week, an additional lane, headed off Cape, will also be closed to traffic and the lane restrictions are possible during nights and weekends, the Army Corps said in a statement.

No wide loads will be permitted to cross the span during the lane restriction, and state and local police will be in the area to assist drivers, the Corps said.

The Army Corps advises motorists to avoid peak travel periods or seek alternate routes.

Never mind that it seems like they’ve been painting the Sagamore bridge since the Clinton administration, that is a rant as old as time itself. What I want to know is who issued that advisory statement in bold at the end of the article? I need to talk to this person and ask them some questions. Mainly if one ounce of thought was put into it, because that may be the most ridiculous advice ever written in the history of words.

Avoid peak travel periods? Genius! You don’t want to hit traffic? Well then just don’t drive when other people are driving dumbass. It’s simple really, just change all of your responsibilities to between midnight and 4 a.m. I’m sure your boss/professor/coach etc. will understand and welcome your new schedule.

Seek alternate routes? Let me just repeat that one real quick, after I remind you that we are talking about THE SAGAMORE FUCKING BRIDGE… Seek alternate routes? Newsflash Army Corps spokesface… there is no alternate route, it’s a bridge over a body of water to get off of a peninsula. There is no ferry, there is no tunnel, there is one other bridge and it is not what most would consider a viable “alternate route” when it comes to time.

So in conclusion, when the Army Corps’ talking head tells us that the best way to evade backups is to… “Avoid peak travel periods or seek alternate routes”, they should really just say… “Either quit your job or buy a helicopter”.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CapeCod.com – The Town of Barnstable Board of Health has shut down a farmstand on Route 149/Meetinghouse Way in West Barnstable because of evidence it was selling poisonous chestnuts. The farmstand is at 2412 Meetinghouse Way/Route 149 in West Barnstable, approximately across from the West Barnstable General Store, near the intersection with Route 6A.

The town is issuing a health warning about the chestnuts. It also obtained a temporary restraining order from the Barnstable Superior Court which prevents the farm stand from operating for the time being.

Town officials are concerned that people may have purchased the chestnuts and frozen them to eat during the holidays.

According to a town official, the Barnstable Board of Health received a complaint from someone who purchased chestnuts from the farmstand and reportedly fell ill.

Board of Health staffers went to the farmstand to try to get chestnuts to test but the farmstand manager said he did not have any and refused to provide information about them, according to a town official.The board of health then had the remaining chestnuts purchased from the woman who complained. The chestnuts were tested by William Clark of the Barnstable County Extension Service.

He said the chestnuts the woman provided from the farmstand were horse chestnuts, which are not edible and consumption can lead to illness and even death depending on the quantity eaten.

The emergency court order to close the stand is in place until at least Tuesday when the farmstand owner can appeal it.

So the farm stand manager must have known these chestnuts weren’t on the up and up right? I mean you don’t clam up and plead the fifth like Whitey Bulger when being questioned about chestnuts unless you are protecting someone. I guess it just goes to show you how ruthless the Cape Cod farm stand game is. You just don’t drop dimes in that industry or you wake up with a horse head in your bed.

Seriously though, what the fuck? We’ve got a fake media fueled Ebola crisis on our hands, we don’t have time to worry about getting poisoned by the chestnuts from a god damn farm stand. Is nothing sacred anymore? The only reason anyone stops at those things is to avoid all the processed crap at Stop and Shop. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take processed over straight up poisonous any day.

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As you probably know by now, I was convinced that Katharine the great white shark was stalking me to get revenge for all of my shark posts this summer. Well, it turns out I was completely wrong about her. She was actually circling the Cape and coming into bays and harbors because she heard about our Wailers show and was trying to get tickets. That’s right folks, Katharine is the REGGAE SHARK!

The Wailers performing the Legend album in it’s entirety is so highly anticipated that even the sharks are trying to get advance tickets. You would be smart to get your own as well, these tickets are selling faster than any event we’ve ever done so make haste before Katharine gets your ticket.

BUY TICKETS

EVENT PAGE

thanks to Louis for the tip

Reggae shark is real! Him got a band with the seals!

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Craigslist – Artistic Nude Photo & Video Model Shoot – Pays $500 for hour shoot

compensation: $500

Artistic Nude Photo & Video Model Shoot – Pays $500 for hour shootFemale Model for Artistic Nude Photo & Video Shoot. We bring portable studio lighting and can shoot at your location so you do not need to travel.The shoot pays $500 in cash for 30 minute video shoot and 60 minute photo shoot (entire shoot last 90-120 minutes).Email two photos (head and body shots) along with age, height, and weight.

Quick question. If you are going to make up a number that you aren’t going to pay anyway, why not go hog wild and say the gig pays like a million dollars? How do I know they aren’t actually going to pay the girl who answers this ad you ask? Because dead people can’t take money.

There is a zero percent chance that this is real because for $500 an hour you can get one of those Playboy Bunnies that Hef got tired of banging and kicked out of the mansion. Why on earth would you need to advertise on Craigslist? Just go to a professional modeling agency if you have that big of a budget.

I’m not saying they aren’t going to film you. It’s just that their filming a fetish video for chainsaw carvers. They’re going to perch you up on a wooden pedestal and carve you into smokey the bear with a Stihl and then sell the videos out of the basement of one of those side of the road chainsaw sculpture places in New Hampshire. Shit happens all the time. You’re answering a free ad on craigslist.com, not a casting call on backstage.com.

P.S. “We bring portable studio lighting and can shoot at your location so you do not need to travel.” Yeah no shit, who wants to get their own house covered in blood and guts.

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Smoking Gun – A football fan with a Tom Brady helmet tattooed across his head is locked up in a Florida jail following his arrest on a narcotics charge.

St. Petersburg cops last month busted Victor Thompson, 46, for possession of Spice, the synthetic marijuana. Thompson allowed police to search his pockets after he was spotted trespassing outside a community center.

When questioned by police, Thompson said that he purchased the “Master Kush” Spice “from a black male for $15” at a downtown park, according to a police report. Thompson reportedly told cops that he did not know Spice was illegal in Florida, claiming that it was “still legal in New Hampshire,” his home state.

Yeah this happened in Florida. Where else could it possibly happen? I realize it’s out of my jurisdiction but I just couldn’t let it pass us by.

If you have those crazy eyes and that ridiculous tattoo, you can’t be caught with fake pot. Fake pot is for a kid on the JV hockey team to get caught with on the bus to an away game. You have to give that shit up as soon as you leave the tattoo parlor and head straight to a meth lab.

What the hell is gonna happen to this guy once his jail mates find out what he’s in for? All of that lunatic credibility he so carefully crafted just gone in an instant. If this article said he was caught with any class A substance I would have cleared my cookies, closed my laptop and stayed offline for 3 days. Once I read it was fake marijuana the guy didn’t scare me one bit, fake pot is for pussies, everyone knows that. Get your demented act together bro.

P.S. The Riddell logo below the hairline takes a psychotic tattoo and makes it 100 times more  maniacal.

thanks to chris m. for the tip

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CapeCodOnline.com – A day after Ebola claimed its first victim on American soil, local hospital officials announced they have updated plans to identify and contain the rare but deadly virus on the chance it shows up on Cape Cod.

Patients arriving at the emergency centers at Cape Cod and Falmouth hospitals with Ebolalike symptoms — including fever, body aches, diarrhea and vomiting — will be asked if they have recently traveled to countries in West Africa where the virus has been rampaging, Cape Cod Healthcare officials said in a notice sent out to employees and associates on Thursday.

In cases where Ebola is suspected, the patient will be treated in special isolation rooms in the hospital’s emergency center and evaluated by an infectious disease physician in consultation with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the notice says.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why everyone is so worried about Ebola. We went through another “epidemic” scare not too long ago, doesn’t everyone remember AIDS? That shit was supposed to wipe out half the population but we kicked its ass. We can easily do the same thing with this “epidemic” and I’ll tell you how.

We just have to give Ebola to Magic Johnson. I mean AIDS was absolutely tearing through people like wildfire when Magic got it and then… crickets. My man dominated the disease to the point where he was still playing professional basketball in the NBA after being infected. Before him anyone that was HIV+ shriveled up and died in like a week. Magic got that shit and not only did he live, he made the god damn All-Star team.

It’s such an easy solution I can’t believe anyone else hasn’t thought of it. Inject Magic with some Ebola, he’ll piss out the vaccine, buy a couple hundred more Starbucks and be in bed by 9, problem solved.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

HyannisNews.com – Witnesses described it as a wild chase that lasted nearly two minutes, with multiple cars speeding around in circles in a popular HyTown parking lot.

One witness even had time to move her car up onto her store’s sidewalk in order to prevent it from being hit. Suddenly the chase ended in a loud crash. One detective’s SUV was struck. Another police SUV was rammed against the side of the suspect vehicle…

The suspects were now pinned in, surrounded by numerous police units. Detectives and uniformed officers rushed the vehicle and took the feisty female driver into custody. At the same time, police latched onto their prime bank robbery suspect. The female suspect reportedly put up a fight as officers brought her to the pavement, cuffing her after a brief struggle. Both suspects were eventually secured in cruisers, but not without protesting all the way…

According to Barnstable Police Lieutenant John Murphy, the passenger was Shaina “Shay-Lo” Lopes, and she will be charged with the bank robbery which occurred at the TD Bank on Main Street earlier in the day.

Shay-Lo was also the suspect in another earlier crime which took place near the McDonald’s Restaurant on North Street this afternoon. Lopes was wanted for larceny from a person after allegedly reaching in through a window and grabbing a woman’s purse and other belongings.

Shay Lo strikes again! A few months ago we wrote about her escaping from the back of a cruiser and getting away from police… while in handcuffs. Apparently that feat wasn’t quite enough excitement for her so she decided to outdo it by about a mile.

Yesterday she snatched a ladies purse through her car window, robbed a bank, led police on a car chase, crashed into a police department SUV and then tried to take on half the force mano a mano. This chick is no joke folks, I’m pretty sure I’d rather have Katharine the shark after me than Shay Lo.

P.S. The police officers must love risking their lives chasing Shay Lo once every few months. Maybe the judge should make her bail a little higher this time?

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony