ACK.net – Coast Guard crews responded to an offshore distress call from a 43-foot sailing vessel that was disabled and adrift in today’s winter storm about 150 miles south of Nantucket.

The operator of the Sedona reported the vessel was without power and its sails were torn in the storm. He requested he and his father be removed from the vessel due to the degrading weather.

Watchstanders at the command center directed an MH-60 Jayhawk helicopter crew from Coast Guard Air Station Cape Cod to launch. Faced with worsening storm conditions, the aircrew launched successfully, but due to ice and low visibility the HC-144 Ocean Sentry support plane was unable to launch.

The two men told the Coast Guard they had purchased the sailboat on eBay and were sailing it from Rhode Island to Australia, petty officer LaNola Stone told WBZ-TV.

OK, let’s start with the obligatory “thank god everyone is alright and made it home safely”.

Now, with that out of the way, these two kangaroos should be banned from everything. America, the ocean, Ebay… EVERYTHING. It’s not exactly a high risk proposition, I don’t think America will lose the cure for cancer by banning these two MENSA members. While we’re at it we should probably neuter the son so he can’t make the tragic mistake his father made by procreating. This bloodline needs to end and it needs to end now.

Call me an insensitive asshole if you want, but if you have enough money to buy a 42′ sailboat, combined with big enough balls to sail it from Rhode Island to Australia in February, AND you are too stupid to look at the weather and know you are sailing into a storm that everyone has been talking about for a week, then you are a moron simple and plain, and I have no pity for you.

I hope they make these dingo fuckers pay the entire Coast Guard bill for their rescue, and I want them to apologize personally to every single family member of all the Coasties whose lives were put at risk because they have more PayPal money than they do common sense. Darwin is rolling over in his grave right now, how are we supposed to evolve as a species if we keep rescuing douchebags like this?

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BostInno – So, it comes as not much of a surprise that Boston ranked as the third least happy city based on its tweets, in a recent study done by Brandwatch, a social intelligence firm based in New York. The in-depth analysis performed by Brandwatch compared the ratio of positive conversations over negative conversations, surrounding topics like the quality of a day (“Today was the best day”) or the outlook on life (“I hate my life”) using social data and analytics. The study looked at how users express their emotions on Twitter, and broke down the results by gender, category and the conversations’ evolvement over time.

This is the dumbest “study” of all time. Anyone with half a brain knows that there is one huge element that they can’t account for… a little thing called sarcasm. In a place where “douche” and “dickhead” are terms of endearment used between friends, it’s kinda tough to get a reading on how happy people are by measuring the frequency of their negative conversations.

Do these people have any idea how many times a day I tell my friends I hate them? This is just how we talk around here. Everything sucks and everyone is an asshole, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t happy. Boston is the city of champions for fucks sake, we’ll out happy anyone, anytime, anywhere. We just don’t gush about it like a schoolgirl with a new My Little Pony the way people in the rest of the country do.

Hey Brandwatch, let us know when you figure out how to tell the difference between truth and sarcasm in the written word and we might take you seriously, until then you can make us even happier by shoving your little Twitter study directly up your ass… dickheads.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CLICK HERE TO BUY TICKETS (advance tix only $15! $20 at the door)

Can you believe it’s been a year since our inaugural Real Cape Kale Soup Cook Off? It sure has and the time has come to crown the new king or queen of Kale! Every single person reading this knows somebody who claims they make the best Kale Soup on The Cape, so on March 1st we will put them to the test and decide whose is best!

There will be both amateur and professional categories and there are still a handful of spots open in each category. These are going to fill up very fast so if you or someone you know wants to sign up as a contestant do it soon. Last year the remaining open spots filled up within days of the announcement and everyone had an absolute blast.

To sign up for The Real Cape Kale Soup Cook Off as a professional or an amateur simply send an email to [email protected] with KALE as the subject and your name and contact information in the body of the email. The contestant sign up is free and will be first come first serve, so once again if you want to enter do it soon.

There will be live music, raffles, giveaways and other surprises throughout the day and we guarantee the fun police will NOT be in attendance! By now most of you know what to expect at a Real Cape party. So call grandma, your cousin or your Portuguese friends mom. Whoever you know that makes the “best” Kale Soup you’ve ever had and get them signed up, the crown of best Kale Soup on Cape Cod is up for grabs!

The contest winners will be decided by popular vote by you, the people of Cape Cod. We will have over 20 of the best kale soups from all around the Cape so get your tickets, bring your appetite, and be ready to have some serious Kale Soup and some serious fun.

The contest will be held at The Beach House Restaurant on March 1st at 1 p.m. Kids under 12 are free!

CLICK HERE TO BUY TICKETS (advance tix only $15! $20 at the door)

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CCT – If you are in Hyannis and hankerin’ for a Frosty®, you are out of luck for a little bit. The Wendy’s Restaurant on Route 132 at the Hyannis Rotary has been closed for a spell, undergoing a multi-level brand transformation according to franchisee Ernest Smily.

“It is very different from what our customers in Hyannis are used to, but we think they will really like the fresh look and feel of the new Hyannis Wendy’s,” said Smily, who has owned the franchise for nearly 30 years.

Smily said the target date to reopen is April 6.

Well it looks like I won’t be going out in Hyannis anytime soon. You Hy Town residents might not realize this, but for people that don’t live there, going to Wendy’s at 1:30 a.m. is like 89% of the appeal of going out in Hyannis.

The night of our Wailers show at Pufferbellies, I swear the drive thru line at Wendy’s was like 30 cars deep. I ate three Hot and Juicy 1/2 Pounders before we even got our change at the window. I don’t know what it is about booze and fast food, but they go together like peas and carrots.

I don’t care who you are or how pretentious you are about eating your all natural, non GMO bird food. Have a few Jack and Cokes in Hy Town and you’ll be knuckle deep in a Bacon Deluxe before you can say Supersize Me.

Drunken late night Wendy’s is one of the most wonderfully disgusting pastimes of going out in Hyannis. Meaning, it’s wonderful at the time and disgusting when you wake up the next morning.

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BP – Did you know that many kids don’t own a toothbrush and must share one with family members? That nearly 33 percent of Barnstable County’s households have limited or no access to affordable dental care? The Cooperative Bank of Cape Cod has partnered with Harbor Community Health Center in Hyannis for the Great Brush Out. During February, the bank’s branches will collect toothbrushes that will then be distributed to school nurses, social service agencies and food pantries across the Cape. For more info click here.

A toothbrush drive? There are kids on Cape Cod that don’t have a toothbrush? I don’t know if I believe that, it’s an unbelievable statement. I believe the dental care part, but where are these kids on Cape Cod with no toothbrush? Is that why Cape kids are so ornery these days, because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush?

This may sound harsh, but if you have kids and you make them share a toothbrush, they should be taken away from you immediately. What’s a basic toothbrush cost, $2? Buy one less box of Fruity Pebbles this week and get your kid a fucking toothbrush. Collect 40 empty cans, bring them to the redemption center, and get your kid a fucking toothbrush. Go stand on a street corner playing a kazoo with a hat out for change, do whatever you have to do, but go get your kid a fucking toothbrush.

There should be a test before you can have kids. We can start small and have one question on it…

1. Would you be able to secure a toothbrush in the next 2 hours if need be?

If you answer no, then no kid for you. Come back in one year and try again.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

 

CapeCod.com – The end of lane restrictions on the Sagamore Bridge has once again been pushed back another two months.
The project, originally scheduled to wrap up in December and then bumped back to February, will now wrap up in April, according to the Army Corps of Engineers.

“Because of the very frequent snowstorms we’ve had we just can’t get out there,” said Corps Spokesman Tim Dugan, “so we have not been able to move ahead on this project.

Wait a second. How can snow be to blame for this not being finished by December when it didn’t snow at all until January? Also how is it that two weeks of snowstorms equal a four month delay?

Do you realize that going until April will officially make it two years that they’ve been painting that bridge? It’s official folks, it will take them longer to re paint The Sagamore Bridge in the 21st century than it took them to BUILD it in the 1930’s. That is next level, tapioca pudding, batshit crazy sauce.

They built the thing with oxen and steam shovels and shit in less time than we can put a coat of paint on it. In a time when we carry supercomputers in our pockets and have people in space. That is flat out embarrassing.

P.S. Yeah it’s definitely the snow that’s making it take so long, not the fact that you only have 3 Brazilian dudes up there with brushes and buckets.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony