CapeCodTimes.com – The owners of the Craigville Motel on Shootflying Hill Road have a week before the Barnstable Board of Health decides whether to revoke, modify or suspend the motel’s license because of a long list of health and safety violations.

In the meantime the Health Board has asked Housing Assistance Corp. to work with the motel’s owners to find other housing for tenants living there for more than 30 days.

While Mckean and West Barnstable Deputy Fire Chief David Paananen said that the management had made significant strides in rectifying the sanitary and fire code violations, the main concern with the motel was the rental of rooms to long-term residents, according to health and fire district officials. The Board of Health held a prior show cause hearing for the motel in January, but board members raised concerns at the time about forcing residents out during cold weather, according to minutes from the meeting.

Ah… the time honored tradition of seedy motels renting rooms to long term tenants. It’s as Cape Cod as lighthouses and sand dunes. This article may be about the Craigville Motel, but everyone, everywhere on the Cape is picturing the motel just like it in their town, and they all look exactly alike.

What could we possibly do about a situation like this? I don’t know, maybe remember that Cape Cod is a resort? Maybe approve a few entertainment licenses, stop fighting tooth and nail to stop adventure parks, maybe create incentives for local businesses that attract (GASP!) tourists?

I wonder if the Craigville Motel would need to have long term tenants in rooms that aren’t equipped for them if they operated at full capacity during the tourist season? Maybe if we encouraged business and created more local jobs the tenants wouldn’t need to live in shitty motels in the first place?

Nah, fuck it. Let the Fun Police choke every bit of entertainment to death. Let local legislators deny licenses for anything that actually attracts people. Change zoning laws to strangle businesses. Let’s all just pretend that Cape Cod isn’t a vacation destination and never factor in what vacationers would want when we establish public policy. Let’s all bury our heads in the sand.

Let’s just make sure that when we poke our heads out and see that our motels are over run with long term tenants because the tenants can’t afford anything else and the motel needs the money, let’s make sure we don’t blame the motel or the tenants and force them to stop. Kicking people out of their homes and bankrupting local businesses is not a solution to the problem. It’s bad enough that our system isn’t providing opportunities for either of them to thrive, but it’s criminal to stop them from doing what they can to survive.

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CapeCodTimes.com – A Harwich woman who allegedly led police on a chase at more than 125 mph before crashing pleaded not guilty Tuesday in Orleans District Court to charges of driving under the influence of alcohol and leaving the scene of an accident.

According to a state police report contained in court records, Karen Warren, 49, crashed her vehicle into trees near Exit 12 on Route 6 in Orleans on Nov. 30. Trooper David Villandry was driving west on the highway at 12:10 a.m. when he saw Warren’s Lexus SUV heading east with a headlight out, the report says.

The speed limit on that portion of the highway is 50 mph and once Villandry activated his cruiser’s lights and turned to pursue, he had to accelerate to 80 mph and then to more than 110 mph to keep up, with Warren’s vehicle pulling away at speeds he estimated exceeded 125 mph, the report says.

As he approached Exit 12, Villandry wrote in the report, he saw the vehicle he had been pursuing 30 yards into the woods and heard a woman screaming. He reported that she identified herself and said she had stomach, back and head pain. He administered first aid for a deep laceration on her brow, the report says.

Warren was taken to Cape Cod Hospital and said she was returning to a bar where she had left her cellphone, according to the report. The phone was found in the car and police learned she had just been in a hit-and-run accident at Exit 11 in Brewster in which she rear-ended a vehicle, the report says.

I have to admit, I sorta feel for this gal. There’s no worse feeling than getting home and realizing you left your phone at the bar. You start wondering who’s reading your texts, looking at your pics or calling their cousin in Indonesia. Add all of this up and 125 mph back to the bar probably seemed like a logical choice at the time.

The real kicker here is that they found the phone in the car. Talk about your all time DOH! moments. Nothing like that moment when you realize that instead of leading the police on a 125 mph chase, crashing 30 yards into the woods, slicing your face open, getting arrested, and probably ruining your life in the process, you could have just found your phone under the seat, called a few friends, sat at home and chilled out.

That’s a Lemony Snicket level series of events that will probably stick in the back of the old craw for little while huh?

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CCT – A native Cape Codder has been chosen for the 2015 Patriots Cheerleaders Squad. In a release Tuesday, the Patriots announced the addition of eleven rookies on the team. One of those rookies is Jessica Strohm of Falmouth. Strohm, a 2008 graduate of Falmouth High School, graduated from Bristol Community College in 2010 and has worked in the in the food service industry and as a paralegal, according to her LinkedIn profile. She is the daughter of Greg and Kimberlee Strohm, who reside in Falmouth.

Cape Cod just dominating yet again. #1 Billboard hits,Major League pitchers, world champion windsurfers, Westminster Champions, and now we basically just won the Lombardi trophy. Is there anything that the chosen people from the center of the universe can’t do?

Give me a C! Give me an A! Give me a P! Give me an E! What’s that spell? DOMINATION!

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BG – It’s Nantucket’s party, and they can ban helium balloons if they want to.

Residents of the island this week voted to prohibit the use of the floating party favors, a measure supporters said would protect marine animals who often mistake the deflated balloons for food.

But though the measure passed handily at Tuesday’s Town Meeting, many think it goes too far in service of a goal that could have been achieved through education about responsible use and disposal.

To those in the town’s small party industry, the debate mirrored the national discussion over how to prevent gun violence.

“Guns don’t kill people; it’s the people using the guns,” said Bobby “The Balloon Wizard” Lamb, a children’s entertainer who makes balloon animals at party functions.

This is one of those stories that will probably go viral because it sounds so crazy to the rest of the country, but it makes a ton of sense to anyone that has been offshore fishing. Balloons aren’t just a nuisance on the ocean, they are a major threat. Until you’ve seen it for yourself you can’t really appreciate how many balloons end up floating around out there. It’s pretty gross.

That said, let’s talk about Bobby “The Balloon Wizard” Lamb for a second here. Did he just compare helium balloons to guns? Is he saying balloons don’t kill marine life, the people using them do? So in his eyes, a murderer killing someone with a gun is the same thing as a toddler at his birthday party accidentally letting go of a helium balloon? Seems legit.

I guess we just need to introduce the balloon Brady Bill. Make little kids apply for a balloon permit 7 days before their birthday parties. Make them get a BID card to be able to buy the balloon and a permit to carry so they can walk around the yard with them? That should drastically cut down on the amount of kids that have a balloon accidentally slip out of their hands. Remember, Balloons don’t kill dolphins, uneducated, heathen children do.

I don’t know what is worse, comparing balloons to guns, or writing an article for The Boston Globe and asking Bobby “The Balloon Wizard” for his hot take on a controversial subject… and then printing it when he draws a parallel between guns and balloons.

P.S. Seriously, stop letting balloons go, they don’t melt into the atmosphere, they land in the ocean.

P.P.S. Great band name, Guns and Balloons.

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CCT – Spring rabies vaccine bait distribution is set to start on April 13. For approximately four weeks, bait will be distributed across seven Cape towns: Sandwich, Mashpee, Barnstable, Yarmouth, Dennis, Brewster and Harwich… and is intended to control raccoon rabies on Cape Cod.

Two types of bait are distributed as part of the Cape Cod Oral Rabies Vaccination Project (CCORV), coated sachets and bait blocks. The bait is distributed via ORV bait stations that will be stocked and checked periodically through mid May.

Anyone who finds a bait pack on a trail is asked to use something to pick it up (do not touch it with your bare hands) and toss it as far into the woods as possible or dispose of it if a trash receptacle is available.

If your pet eats the bait, the task force asks that you report it to the USDA Wildlife Services MA/CT/RI Rabies Program Brian Bjorklund at 508-476-2715. The bait is not harmful to pets if ingested, but it is suggested that dogs be leashed when walking in the woods.

Ahhh… nothing says spring on Cape Cod like freshly stocked rabies baits. Remember folks, if you come across any during your hike, DON’T TOUCH IT WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, grab it with a set of tongs, a front end loader, use a robotic hand if you have to. There is no danger, but under no circumstances should you touch one of these baits with your actual skin.

Also, its perfectly safe if your dog eats it, just make sure you report it to the federal government. Again, DO NOT TOUCH this harmless bait and don’t let your dog off its leash in the woods, the woods is no place for an unleashed dog. Everything is fine if they eat it, but MAKE SURE YOU CALL US so that we can tell you personally that everything is still fine. Thank you. All is well. Move along. Nothing to see here.

P.S. Seriously though… DON’T TOUCH IT WITH YOUR SKIN!!!

P.P.S. They’re harmless we swear.

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Many of you probably saw the above post on our Facebook wall asking for people to share pics of wild turkeys on Cape Cod. As expected, over 100 of you have responded so far. The responses have come from far and wide. Mid Cape, Lower Cape, Upper Cape, Outer Cape, it makes no difference. The turkeys are everywhere.

So what is going on around here? Is turkey the new black? I spent the first 18 years of my life dancing with wolves in the woods of Cape Cod and I saw exactly zero wild turkeys in all that time. So where did they come from and when did they become so prevalent?

Yes, I know there were tons of turkeys here when the pilgrims settled, blah, blah, Thanksgiving and all that jazz. I know they are not an invasive species, but they were not here for many, many years. Now they are window shopping on Main St. and attacking cars. Who do we talk to about extending turkey hunting season? Maybe it should be something like, I don’t know, 24 hours a day, 12 months a year?

P.S. Can someone ask one of these turkeys what the secret to their rejuvenation is so we can teach it to the Piping Plovers and get our beaches back?

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photo: Robert Bastille

HyannisNews.com – Jody Ashkenazi says it was ESP which led him to check in on a girl working behind the counter at a nearby sandwich shop last evening.

Ashkenazi was visiting a friend working at a nearby store when he saw “something fleet by,” immediately sensing something was wrong with the girl working at the neighboring Subway sandwich shop.

According to Ashkenazi, he possesses “extreme ESP” powers and he suddenly became overcome with a heavy feeling something was wrong.

“My ESP felt her pain,” said Ashkenazi.

Moments earlier, Ashkenazi had observed two young males lurking outside the sandwich shop. One went inside as if to order a sandwich, while the other waited in the shadows a few doors away.

The young man that entered had ordered up a sandwich with all the fixings, only to grab it and run away without paying. Ashkenazi had no way of knowing this had just occurred because he was in the shop next door. But he couldn’t shake off the strong feelings something was wrong with the girl making the sandwiches – a girl who had been a complete stranger up that point.

Ashkenazi told HN he is proud man who is compelled to do good, which is why he couldn’t overcome the need to at least go in and speak with the Subway girl.

So, he entered and found her alone hard at work behind the counter as if nothing had happened… which he initially found strange because his ESP is usually very accurate. But when he asked her if she was okay, that’s when she “burst into tears,” according to Ashkenazi.

Police arrived and took the report… but other than the witness statements, they had very little else to go on.
HN was driving back toward HyTown and just about crossing the town line when Mr. Ashkenazi alerted police and pulled off his second good deed of the evening. According to radio traffic, he was secretly following two young males he believed to be the culprits in the earlier sandwich heist.

Yarmouth patrol officers converged on the area, met up with Ashkenazi, and told him they would take over from that point. Ashkenazi remained nearby to ensure they didn’t need further assistance when officers detained both suspects on the Bass River Bridge, the town line between Yarmouth and Dennis.

I know, I know, it’s a long one, but it’s a good one. It takes a special kind of ESP to see two kids bolting away from a Subway and make the connection that they just stole something, I’m talking some serious voodoo shit.

What more proof do you need that this guy is a clairvoyant than the fact that he was able to tell there was something bothering a teenage girl that was teetering on the cusp of bursting into tears? Teenage girls are famous for their Stonewall Jackson level skills when it comes to hiding their emotions, but ESPete straight snatched her brainwaves right out of the air and broke the case wide open.

What is really impressive about this guys special powers though, is that he was actually able to recognize two the kids that he had seen less than an hour before and turn them in. What being of this earth wields such power!?

I don’t know about you, but I feel safer knowing the sub whisperer is out there, with his giant magic brain, protecting us all from the dangers that our feeble minds can’t even comprehend. Thank god he is a “proud man, compelled to do good” and would never try to use a sequence of coincidental events to feed his delusions of grandeur. That would really suck.

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