CapeCodOnline.com recently released their top ten Easter candies. It’s cool and all, but this is a site for adults so we thought we would fix it up Real Cape style. Their list consisted of 10, but whoever compiled it really mailed it in and used some repeats. So we broke it down to five. Without further ado here is the Cape Cod Times list with each number followed by The Real Cape version:

1. CCT – Solid chocolate bunnies – Yeah thanks but I’m still working on the one I got last year, do people actually finish these monstrosities?

1. The Real Cape – Kahlua Mudslides – You just got put in a room full of family members all talking over each other, you might want to start with something chocolaty to get in the Easter spirit, but why not take the edge off and kill two birds with one stone?

2. CCT – Jelly Beans – Hey look now you have a pile of cavities waiting to happen that will get stuck in your teeth AND make your gums turn into sandpaper!

2. The Real Cape – Jell-O Shots – The family is starting to ask you questions about what you are doing with your life, time to ramp up the alcohol content while staying in the parameters of cute festivity type booze.

3. CCT – Peeps – Why the hell did I just run thirty laps around the house with my niece? Oh yeah… crack.

3. The Real Cape – Adderall – Not as strong as crack, but at least now you’ll be able to pay attention to the hour long story your Aunt is telling you about how her best friends baby in laws sisters cousin got into Brown and is probably going to be way more successful than you are.

4. CCT – Cadbury Creme Eggs – See below.

4. The Real Cape – Cadbury Creme Eggs – When you’re right you’re right Cape Cod Times, it just isn’t Easter without having at least one of these high fructose corn syrup bombs exploding in your mouth and remembering why you only eat them once a year.

5. CCT- Cadbury Mini Eggs – Hey cool, I just broke my tooth biting into one of these and now the hole is filled with the mushy chocolate from inside, I hope my brother in law has a pressure washer in his garage to clean that out.

5. The Real Cape – Ambien – When you are little drunk, but wired from the Adderall and candy feeling like an empty shell of a person? Ambien is literally the answer to all your prayers. It’s like you are flying in circles at 10,000 feet all day and Ambien is the landing gear. Goodnight!

So there you have it. Go ahead and tell me the Cape Cod Times Easter basket is going to be more fun than The Real Cape Easter basket, and then I will go ahead and call you a stone face liar.

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CapeCodOnline – A man and woman from Mashpee were arrested by Sandwich police Tuesday night and charged with taking part in a drug transaction.

According to Sandwich police, officers conducting surveillance of local parking lots saw a transaction between occupants of two vehicles. They later pulled those vehicles over and, with the help of Yarmouth police Officer Sean Gannon and his drug-sniffing dog, searched the vehicles and the four occupants.

Police said they found $846 in cash in the truck, several grams of cocaine and marijuana hidden in a breakfast burrito and five Suboxone pills on Hendricks.

Ummm… hello? Once again these police reports leave out the most important part of the story. Where did this burrito come from? Talk about stimulating the local economy. If they released the name of the restaurant that is slanging cocaine filled burritos people would be coming from as far as Wareham and New Bedford for their tasty treats.

The only problem would be that peeps would be knocking on the doors of this establishment at all hours of the night. “Yo man open up I just need ONE more burrito”. Not to mention the tension in line at the counter from people waiting to order their burritos would make road rage look like an episode of Barney, there’d be all kinds of burrito rage in that waiting area.

Plus, you know when you are in a hurry and you pull into a place at the same time as someone else? You jump out of the car and speed walk to the door to get there first so you are one up in line? Well you ain’t winning that race against a crackhead, there’d be coke fiends breaking Usain Bolt’s world records running through the parking lot of that Burrito Place.

P.S. Imagine the wasted food this would cause as well? I’d imagine that once you get to the coke part of the burrito you most likely aren’t finishing the rest of it. Tough to eat Mexican food when your entire face is numb and you can’t feel your teeth.

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CapeNews.net – A much-loved art installation has been replicated and returned to its proper place outside an animal hospital on Route 130 in Mashpee.

Until last summer, a large sculpture of a dog and cat, carved from wood and covered in gold leaf, greeted passersby from atop the sign of the Leach Animal Hospital. On the rainy evening of June 27, the sculpture was stolen from its perch above the sign, and has not been seen since.

“I think the thieves thought it was solid gold. The artist estimated that it would have taken them two hours to remove the heavy, bolted-down sculpture. It was an art heist,” Dr. Jonathan Leach, owner of the hospital, said, adding that he was amazed at how many people inquired about the missing sculpture.

Two weeks ago, a replacement sculpture, commissioned at the cost of $12,000, made its debut outside of the animal hospital. The sculpture was created by internationally known woodcarver Paul J. White of Sandwich.

Dr. Leach said there was never any doubt that the sculpture was going to be replaced, and responded coyly when asked if any special precautions have been taken to discourage another theft.

“All I’ll say is that there will be a big surprise for anyone who tries to steal it again,” he said.

There’s a few interesting facets to this story. First off, is there no end to what people on this peninsula will steal? I mean come on, stealing a sculpture from an animal hospital? There has to be a special place in hell for people that steal from a place that is saving peoples beloved pets. I mean what kind of lunatic targets a hospital for Fido for fucks sake?

The second part kind of explains the first angle. “I think the thieves thought it was solid gold” kinda answers the first question I guess. It certainly takes a special kind of moron to think that a sculpture above a sign at an animal hospital is made of solid gold. I’m surprised they didn’t take the windows from the building as well because they assumed they were made of diamond.

Lastly, kudos to Dr. Leach for replacing this and continuing to support the arts by replacing the sculpture at his own expense to keep an iconic piece of art that everyone enjoys in place. He very easily could have become disgruntled and just left the sign without the sculpture.

P.S. I am DYING to know what he means by “there will be a big surprise for anyone who tries to steal it again”. What kind of Mission Impossible booby trap do you think that sign is rigged with?

P.P.S. $12,000 for a dog and cat carving? I am in the wrong business.

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CapeNews.net – Staff and parents at the Woods Hole Child Center preschool are distressed by new regulations that will require changes to their playground. The more rigorous safety requirements are being promulgated by the Massachusetts department of Early Education and Care (EEC).

The center’s two swing sets and stand-alone slide, both situated over sand, are no longer in compliance with new “fall zone” height and substrate requirements. Previously, sand under a six-foot high structure was acceptable; under the new regulations, only structures of four feet are allowed over sand.

“If we wish to keep our swings and slide, we will be forced to unfavorably alter the character of our playground by moving them onto wood chips or some other approved surface, which have the potential to lead to more problems and accidents,” the letter reads.

Clayton Jones, an engineer and the Woods Hole Child Center’s maintenance chairman, has argued that wood chips are better habitat for ticks and mosquitoes, which carry their own health risks. He also rejected shredded rubber tires as an appropriate playground medium, citing studies that tire mulch releases harmful chemicals into the air and groundwater.

“Sand is good; it’s fine, that’s all I can say,” Anne Clarkin, director of the Woods Hole Child Center, said in a phone interview. “We hope commonsense will prevail.”

Am I taking crazy pills or is this the most batshit thing you’ve ever heard? Why is it better for a child to land on wood chips after falling six feet than it is for them to fall on sand? Did they do some study somewhere and throw children off of 6′ slides onto different surfaces? If I’m standing on a 6′ tall platform and I am forced to dive off head first I am choosing sand as my landing area every single time. Last thing I need is a 4 inch cedar splinter in my face.

This is a perfect example of when government gets too big. Some douche probably cost the taxpayers millions of dollars researching and developing these useless regulations. Are you telling me that some dude in an office somewhere has a better sense of child playground safety than preschool teachers that watch a bunch of kids actually play on playgrounds every single day?

Next thing you know they’ll come out with some regulation that says preschool teachers  have to stop letting the children smoke crack before nap time because it affects their sleep. I mean it’s obvious these teachers don’t know what’s good for the kids so we better tie up all the loose ends right?

I hope whoever came up with this crap gets Lyme disease after getting bitten by a deer tick while digging their kid out from the wood chip pile below the 6′ slide the little prick falls off of at summer camp this year.

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CapeCodToday.com – The Cape Cod National Seashore announced Tuesday that Highland Links Golf Course in Truro is under new management, severing the park’s long-standing concession deal with the Town of Truro.

In February, Jim Knowles, Truro’s manager of the course solicited lettersof support from resident golfers to bolster the town’s bid to retain theconcession.  The Cape Cod National Seashore has concession agreements with non-federal entities at sites throughout the park, including Highland Links.

A month before Knowles was looking for resident support, the Cape Cod National Seashore severed their relationship with the former stewards of Highland (Cape Cod) Lighthouse, the group responsible to managing the lighthouse and instrumental in moving it to its current location in 1996.

Highland Links became federal property in 1961 at which time it was leased to the Town of Truro. The new concession contract with Johnson Golf Management, Inc. effectively ends that 50+ year relationship.

What’s up with The National Seashore going Benedict Arnold on Cape Cod? First the bug counters in control of the Piping Plover Motel sever their ties with the Highland Lighthouse stewards, a group that raised the money to save the lighthouse to begin with, and now they screw the town of Truro after 50 years?

What a crock of shit. Listen Seashore, you may be a federal entity but don’t forget who you are and where you came from. This is our peninsula and there is zero reason you shouldn’t be doing everything in your power to appease the very towns that your survival depends on. It’s not like Truro didn’t want the contract renewed, they did everything in their power to retain it.

This whole thing stinks of some weird political vendetta and I for one don’t like it one bit. If I wasn’t allergic to righteous Dune Police I might go down there and start asking questions myself.

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I will probably get shit for this since this is The Real Cape and all but it’s just one of those things that has been the way it is so long I never questioned it. Until now. I’ve been going to the Vineyard for as long as I can remember, I’ve worked on The Vineyard, we had a house there growing up, it’s not an issue of me just becoming aware of this, it’s an issue of it just being so deeply ingrained in me that Dukes County is “The County of Dukes County”.

It’s like an Abbott and Costello routine when you think about it. Just completely redundant. It’s kind of a power move on The Vineyard’s part when you think about it. It’s as if the founders just said “Hey let’s put county in the name of the county and force everyone for eternity to use horrible grammar”. Or maybe someone just screwed up the paperwork when they were filing to become a county?

So can someone do me a favor and comment on this telling me exactly what the story is here? I’m sure I could get to the bottom of it with a Google search but it’s always best to hear historical tales told by people who have had them handed down over generations don’t you think?

So what the hell is the deal with “The County of Dukes County” thing? Ready… go!

P.S. Yes, “we had a house there growing up” is an epic humblebrag.

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After an amazing turnout and tens of thousands of votes there were some BIG upsets in the first round of the tournament. Round 1 is now over and we are on to the Sweet Sixteen. Once again be sure to vote in every matchup!

P.S. The Squire vs. The Fox Hole is a HUGE second round game.

(we fixed the voting system so there is no need to log in to social media, just click away)

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