Buzzfeed recently posted a list of “24 Signs You Spent Summers On Cape Cod” and it is obvious that the author wouldn’t know a cranberry from a dingleberry. So we decided to update it to “24 Signs You Spend Winters On Cape Cod” Real Cape style.
We will take this number by number first showing their ridiculous signs some squid spent a summer here and countering with our signs of having spent winters on The Cape.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
1. You’ve had family arguments about which bridge to take.
The Real Cape:
1. You’ve had family arguments about which bridge you’re gonna throw your brother or sister off.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
2. Who needs Google Maps, when you can use your own arm as a map of the Cape?
The Real Cape:
2. Who needs Google Maps? We have GPS this isn’t Siberia.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
3. When you first get to the beach, you can’t help doing this.
The Real Cape:
3. When you first get to the beach, you can’t help doing this.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
4. You understand the concept of low tide on a visceral level.
The Real Cape:
4. You understand the concept of low tide on a fragrant level because it smells like shit.
Buzzfeed’s nonsense:
5. When photographers talk about that magic Cape Cod light, you feel like they have a direct line to your soul.
The Real Cape:
5. When you see that magic Cape Cod light, you feel like maybe it’s time to stop drinking and go to bed.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
6. Cape Cod Potato Chips somehow taste even better in their natural habitat.
The Real Cape:
6. Cape Cod Potato Chips are best smushed up into a Tuna or Chicken Salad sandwich on potato bread.
Buzzfeed nonsene:
7. You’ve seen actual cranberries in the wild.
The Real Cape:
7. You’ve chased a hockey puck a half mile down a frozen Bog because you were the one who shot it through the goal made of two sneakers.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
8. You’ve learned all the unwritten rules of mini golf.
The Real Cape:
8. You’ve drunkenly Happy Gilmore’d a ball off a rock and hit a fat New Yorker right in the fanny pack playing mini golf.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
9. You feel sorry for anyone who has never experienced fried clams.
The Real Cape:
9. You feel sorry for any sucker who has ever paid $28 for fried clams shipped in frozen from Florida at a tourist trap with “Shack” in its name.
P.S. No you don’t
Buzzfeed nonsense:
10. You don’t think summer is complete if you don’t break out the lobster bib.
The Real Cape:
10. You don’t need a bib because you aren’t 3 and you crack your lobster with channel lock pliers.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
11. You’ve had a meaningful friendship with a hermit crab.
The Real Cape:
11. You’ve had a meaningless winter relationship with a sea hag that left you with crabs.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
12. You’re pretty sure there’s a law that you must go swimming at least once a day.
The Real Cape:
12. Laws only apply to tourists “Screw you, I’m from here”.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
13. You know that Provincetown was embracing same sex marriage since before it was cool.
The Real Cape:
13. You drove to P-Town to buy your first metal weed pipe at Shop Therapy.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
14. When you go whale watching, there will be whales.
14. When you go whale watching you are 9, and you never go again.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
15. You can tell people you’ve biked the most beautiful bike path on earth.
The Real Cape:
15. You’ve stumbled home drunk on the most beautiful bike path on earth.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
16. You have a very positive association with the word “shingles.”
The Real Cape:
16. You’ve laughed at tourists who bought pink “Cape Cod” sweatshirts for $60 in that building while they were waiting for the Ferry.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
17. You got to see all the best players in the majors when they were still in college…
The Real Cape:
17. You’ve lied to a girl at a bar by telling her you play left field for Cotuit and that you were drafted by the Pirates in the 3rd round of the MLB draft.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
18. This is what you think bowling is.
The Real Cape:
18. This is what you think bowling is.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
19. You’re grateful that drive-in movies are still a thing.
The Real Cape:
19. There’s one, and it’s in Wellfleet, it’s far from “a thing”.
Buzzfeed nonsense:
20. You can understand why someone might feel compelled to do this:
The Real Cape:
20. Suck on this Buzzfeed:
Ok I know I said there were 24 but we are stopping at 20, mostly because we are lazy but also because the rest of them are so idiotic we would rather not subject you to them.
Facebook: The Real CapeTwitter: Hippie - Insane Tony
U r very talented,u brought up alot of memories for a real cape codder!
My comment got in so much trouble on the original Buzzfeed article.
I’m 90% sure that I wrote it after a bar visit.
Cape life.
I am a native Cape Codder and I love what you have done to make these statements actually true!
Nothing on the rotaries? Even natives could rant them.
THANK YOU FOR ADDRESSING THIS BUZZFEED NONSENSE
Well done!
bravo! After 18 years on Cape, I have moved on but never forgetting the real Cape Cod…the one where the ocean freezes and beach parties last until Thanksgiving.
have you ever tried buying a pack of american spirits from a color blind person? orange. no. the other orange. no. the more orangy one. left. left. left. you had it. back. perfect. 12 fuckin’ dollars?
Delightful, true, brilliant….
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#7!
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#9 I don't see any fried clams in the picture. And what's with the tiny beer?!
Buzzfeed is going to make us see the world through the lens of an Ohioan whether we like it or not.
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