True Talk Tuesday – Life Lessons

This week, we’ll discuss life lessons I feel both important and relevant to share. Mostly because I didn’t know how else to answer this question and I’m in the middle of season 2 of Game of Thrones and needed a break from baby slaying and incest.

You seem to always be injured or in some sort of random, senseless situation. How the hell do you get out of them?

Concerned Citizen,

First, I’d like to thank you for your concern. Second, I’d like to tell you that I have no idea how I end up where I do in life, let alone how I’m still alive. But what I will share, are a few life lessons I’ve picked up while wandering down the long, sparkly road that is my life. Take them as you will, since most of them are complete bullshit, and border line offensive, but whatevs, I do what I want.

1 – When laying out at the beach, pool or boat always set up shop next to someone bigger than you. Why? Well for starters they most likely don’t have many friends so why not be nice for once and two you’ll look skinnier. Also, they probs have good snacks. You’re welcome.

2 – Despite what your mom, sisters, friends or the media says; don’t put makeup on or do your hair every day. I have literally LIVED by this rule my entire life. I would SO much rather look mediocre every day and get a “Oh you look BEAUTIFUL!” on the rare occasion I actually put effort in, than show up to work/life without being done up and receive the comments we all dread that consist of “you look tired” or “are you feeling okay?” In to which my direct response is typically “kill yourself”.

Low expectations = high return. Trust me.

3 – If you do decide to go the makeup route, ALWAYS wash your face before you go to bed even if you’re having a sleep over with a dude. No matter how good you think you look, I can promise you that when you roll over in the morning, homeboy is going to notice the black streaks bleeding from your eyes and the lipstick smeared all over your face.

4 – If you’re passionate about something, own it. Example: I’m obsessed with sharks. Yes, largely due to their bad ass nature and lord of the sea reputation, and sure I wear some sort of shark inspired jewelry every day, own multiple pieces of clothing including a bikini with Native Americans riding Great White’s all over it (EBay purchase: didn’t look at the picture close enough before purchasing) and have shark jaws hanging all over my apartment.  BUT I also happen to know pretty much everything about them. I have literally spent years studying the species as a whole. I fucking take vacation time off for Shark Week on Discovery and am going Great White cage diving in South Africa in a couple of months. Get on my level.

5 – Figure out a way to spin every situation into a good one. You get dumped? Start a blog that reaches 10,000 followers in less than two months and launches you into stardom. Lose your job? Use your spare time to follow the dream you might not have had the guts or time to before; like stripping. Feeling down because all your friends are engaged/married and you’re living alone with nothing to keep you company but wine and Lifetime? Study sharks.

6 – Read. A lot. And I don’t mean The Glitter Ginger, Betches.com (the bible) or the latest Nicholas Sparks (<–what are you, 9?) Read books, articles and magazines that aren’t necessarily in your comfort zone or of interest to you. I recently started getting into books about World War II and Seal Team 10 – sure, the closest I’ve come to war in real life is sleeping with a marine, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t educate myself on history or show him respect by learning enough to have an intelligent conversation about something he’s dedicated his life to.

Education is the key to life – and if that key doesn’t open the door you’re trying to get through than at least be pretty enough to get a good looking man to open it for you.

One Love. -GG