Will This Be The Story Of Cape Cod?

clark haddad

SANDWICH — Talk about mixed messages.

Six years ago, voters at town meeting rejected a proposal to give the Board of Selectmen permission to sell the vacant Clark-Haddad Memorial Building. On Monday night, given an opportunity to put their money where their hearts were, voters rejected a proposal to spend $1.1 million in community preservation funds to renovate the building and create a community center.

“It’s an enigma. It’s a contradiction. It’s baffling,” said Frank Pannorfi, chairman of the Board of Selectmen, a day after the vote.

Welcome to Cape Cod, where progress is frowned upon and grumpy old people who fear change rule the roost.

“Hey look at that cool old historic building, don’t you dare tear that down! But don’t you dare create a community center that could help drive young families to the area either, leave it alone!”

“Hey look at those beautiful beaches that millions of people would love to come and enjoy! We better make a set of rules longer than the Declaration of Independence to ensure no fun is had on them and nobody comes from afar to enjoy them!”

“Hey look at all the people having a great time at that local watering hole! We better take away their entertainment license so the noise doesn’t bother Jebediah Crustington III. He lives less than two miles down the street!”

“Hey look at all this wonderful waterfront property! We better change the zoning laws so nobody can build any type of commercial operation that could inject millions of dollars into our local economy!”

And on and on and on it goes, nothing changes, nobody is proactive about the future of Cape Cod, everybody gets old, we tear down night clubs and hotels, replace them with retirement homes and Cape Cod sinks into the Atlantic.

It’s a sad story, but unless something changes soon, it will be the story of Cape Cod.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Jar Of Farts For Sale On Cape Cod Virtual Yard Sale

jar of farts

It’s long been known that many people use Cape Cod Virtual Yard Sale as a place to try to sell their useless crap to other people, so I guess it was just a matter of time until someone tried to sell their useless crap jarred up in the form of a gas to other people.

My big question is how can it be a jar of farts? Won’t the first fart escape when you take off the lid to add more farts? Isn’t it most likely a jar of fart? Seems like it might be false advertising to me. At least the price was reasonable I guess?

P.S. Maybe that next person will let Kim sell her jar of farts at their gigantic 2-day indoor yard sale?

thanks to Sarah for the tip

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

4 Year Old Cape Cod Kid Saves His Mother’s Life Like A Boss

matthew fontaine

FOX – A 4-year-old Massachusetts boy is being hailed as a hero after saving his mother’s life when she suffered a massive seizure.

When Matthew Fontaine’s mother, Ashley, who suffers from regular seizures, had a seizure so bad she fell and hit her head, the boy sprung into action, using his mom’s cellphone to call 911 and waiting on the line until help arrived, Fox25 reported.

“I remember thinking to myself, oh my God, this is it, this is the seizure that’s going to kill me,” Ashley, of Harwich, Massachusetts, told Fox25.

Matthew had been taught how to help if he was alone and his mother, Ashley, suffered a seizure. Now, he wants to be a rescue worker when he grows up.

“They said I’m a hero,” Matthew told FOX25.

No biggie, just a regular Cape Cod 4 year old running around saving lives. That’s how we raise ’em around here. Just another Wednesday on the peninsula.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Eighth Grader In Texas Nearly Arrested For Using A $2 Bill For Lunch

zachary's 2

HOUSTON, TX — There are some people who’ve never seen a $2 bill, including, it would seem police, school officials and cafeteria workers in Houston who were convinced an eighth-grader was using counterfeit money to buy chicken nuggets during lunch.

But the $2 bill is a real thing — a legal denomination of U.S. currency first issued in the early part of the 20th century, produced until 1966 and then reissued ten years later. It’s got a picture of Thomas Jefferson on the front and a reproduction of The Declaration of Independence by John Trumbull on the reverse side.

Yet when student Danesiah Neal tried to pay for her chicken nuggets with such a bill, the purchase was flagged. Police were called.

According to media reports, the scene of the “crime” was Fort Bend Independent School District’s Christa McAuliffe Middle School, just outside Houston proper.

“I went to the lunch line, and they said my $2 bill was fake,” the eighth-grader told KTRK-TV. “They gave it to the police. Then they sent me to the police office. A police officer said I could be in big trouble.”

Well I guess there’s another reason why it pays to grow up on Cape Cod. We all know the $2 bill is real and we know it well. How many poor Dunkin’ Donuts girls have been handed a $2 bill still stinking of stripper sweat as a tip for a medium regular from a plumber with bloodshot eyes?

How many wives have quickly asked their husbands for a couple bucks in line at the store only to be handed the surest sign of a recent visit to Zachary’s. And how many men have slept on the couch that night because of it.

Here on Cape Cod we learn to respect the $2 bill. Whenever a $2 bill changes hands on Cape Cod, looks of guilt, silent camaraderie, shame and sometimes laughter come with it. In Houston the police are called if someone tries to use a $2 bill. On Cape Cod each policeman has at least 3 of them in their wallet right now.

The $2 bill on Cape Cod is the great equalizer, one man could be down on his luck wearing rags, while a man with a $5,000 suit sits next to him, but that $2 bill, at that moment in time, while Whitesnake plays over the loudspeakers? That $2 bill makes them equals in the eyes of Roxxxy, and just for a moment, for that one sliver of time, we are all equal men… men who like boobies.

thanks MattyB

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Caitlyn Jenner Is Coming To Cape Cod In June – Which Leads To A Serious Question

caitlin decathlon

CCT – Caitlyn Jenner, the transgender woman who, as Bruce Jenner, was an Olympic athlete and reality-TV star, will appear June 30 in Provincetown as special guest speaker for “A Benefit for Camp Lightbulb.”

Jenner, who brought world attention to transgender issues a year ago when she revealed she is a transgender woman, will join host singer/songwriter Zoe Lewis and performers Well-Strung and Varla Jean Merman at the Provincetown Town Hall event.

In 1976, Jenner broke the world record in the decathlon at the Olympic Games in Montreal, earning the title of “World’s Greatest Athlete.” Her reality-TV shows have included “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” as Bruce, and “I Am Cait.”

OK I’ve got a serious question for the guys out there. Say you were a decent high school athlete, could you beat Caitlyn Jenner in the decathlon today, like right now. Don’t forget that she was once the single greatest male athlete in the world, gold medals everywhere, the whole nine yards.

On the other hand she’s pumped full of estrogen and 66 years old. I think I’m pretty sure I could beat her, the boobies must get in the way of the shot put, although the high heels would help in the pole vault. Na, I still think I can beat her.

Now if she was still Bruce? He kicks my ass all over the field, 66 or not.

P.S. What a great idea for a reality show, have average Joe’s compete with Cait in the decathlon. Talk about ratings, you’d have every demographic covered, men, women, women who used to be men, the Kardashian crowd, athletes, athletes who are secretly attracted to women who used to be men… the list goes on forever. You’re welcome to whichever network reads this and puts that show on the air. Pure gold.

P.P.S. Big advantage in the no ballsack department for Cait on the 110 meter hurtles.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony