Barnstable Patch – A new study concludes that immersing yourself in wall-to-wall coverage of trauma can be more stressful than witnessing the actual event.

People who watched six hours or more of media coverage in the week after the Marathon bombing were nine times more likely to show signs of acute stress than people with minimal exposure to the troubling news. And those who binged on media coverage even had higher levels of stress than people who had been directly exposed to the horrors of April 15, 2013.

Ding, ding, ding… we’ve got a winner in the contest for most asinine scientific “studies” in history. I don’t give a shit if you watched the most gruesome coverage of the bombings on a loop for twenty years straight, there is no way in hell that can compare to witnessing what happened there in person.

If anyone reading this ever encounters a human being that claims to have been through more stress watching this on TV than the people who saw it with their own eyes, do me a favor and punch them directly in the eyeball. Whoever conducted this “study” forgot to add one simple criteria. Common fucking sense.

By this logic someone could say that watching the TV coverage of the war in Afghanistan has been more taxing on them than the actual war has been to a soldier that was actually there, which is such a ridiculous thing to propose that my keyboard just reached up and slapped me in the face for typing it. So I propose that National Academy of Science takes this particular study and kindly shoves it directly up their ass.

You: big, tall man with go-tee, nice beer belly, wearing jeans, work boots, long- sleeve tee, and baseball cap. You were pondering the selection in the pasta aisle.

Some men at like spaghetti. They’re straight until you get it hot.

First things first, no I do not cruise the Craigslist Missed Connections M4M section. This was emailed to us by a reader. I did accidentally go on a date with a dude in San Francisco once but that is a story for another time.

Let’s look at this description again: big, tall, go-tee (phenomenal spelling BTW), nice beer belly, jeans, work boots, T-shirt and baseball cap. Literally the only thing on that list that could in any way discern this guy from every other guy on Cape Cod in December is that he is tall. There are short men here. Good luck finding this dude, you are searching for a needle in a haystack. A fat needle, but a needle nonetheless.

P.S. I assure you that most men that look like what you just described are not anything “like spaghetti”.

P.P.S. Not on the Falmouth end of The Cape anyway.

Bored stiff ? How about adding a little excitement to your life ?

I’m a photographer who lives in NY. How about if I drive to the Cape, you and I meet and you pose for some super sexy ( but not pornographic ) still, black and white photos. I pay you $100.00 cash for an hour’s modeling and then I get in my car and drive back to NY. You never see or hear from me again. Your photos never show up in any magazine, on any web site or anywhere else. I keep them for my personal collection only.

100 bucks cash, fun, exciting and no one ever knows ! NO ONE EVER KNOWS !

This one doesn’t seem sketchy at all. A guy in the largest city in the country, packed full of hot women who want to be models, wants to drive 6 hours to snap a few shots of you? I’m sure this is all on the up and up. At the very least it’s worth the risk for $100. That’s life altering money right there.

Let’s rewrite this ad with this guys true inentions:

I am a guy with a camera who lives in New Bedford. How about I drive to a place where nobody can identify me and pay you no money to kill you. Nobody ever sees or hears from me again. Your photo shows up on a milk carton and in Amber Alerts. I keep your hair for the wig I am making. The best part is no one ever knows ! NO ONE EVER KNOWS !

Once again whoever uploaded this hit the nail on the head with the caption. This photo is as Real Cape as it gets. Nothing fancy, just getting to where you need to go in order to have a good time. ‘Merica indeed.

If you have a photo that represents the Real Cape Cod please submit it below or use the link at the top of the page. From beautiful sunsets to drunken comedy and everything in between, we want to see what you see. (Author is optional)

WL – There were two reports of illness from food eaten at the festival but whether the illness was caused by vibrio, a bacterium sometimes found in shellfish, or overindulgence has not been determined, although the latter is suspected.

Hay said one individual who got sick ate 47 oysters, plus some shellfish and “other stuff.” There was not, he said, “a definite traceability back to vibrio.”

Harry Terkanian, town administrator, said another person ate 36 oysters, plus a lobster roll.

What got them sick “has not been determined”. I just puked reading that and I can determine exactly why. Because homeboy ate FORTY SEVEN OYSTERS. I don’t care if you are half sea turtle, that many oysters will make you sick 100% of the time. At least the other guy had the decency to throw a lobster roll in there.

More importantly it’s a miracle these guys didn’t get arrested for indecency. After 47 oysters I would be humping peoples legs like a Boston Terrier in heat. Poor guys wife was probably limping around for a week after the festival.

You know how if there is a long blackout there’s always a bunch of babies born nine months later? I wonder if Wellfleet’s birth rate jumps nine months after The Oyster Festival? I’d have to think there’s a healthy amount of fornication going on that weekend.