CHATHAM — There are so many mussels that, at low tide, Scatteree looks like a black sand beach, which means shellfishermen could be in the black next year – if eiders don’t beat them to the largesse.

“You really have to see it; it’s amazing,” David Likos, chairman of the shellfish advisory committee, told selectmen about the stretch of mussels from Scatteree to the Chatham Lighthouse last week.

The bountiful set of mussels lies across much of Chatham Harbor, as are rafts of eider that nosh on them, and the advisory committee and the shellfish constable hope to keep the hungry ducks away from three areas.

Selectmen gave them approval to do that and deterrents ranging from a “scare crow cannon” to ultrasonic bird repellers and holographic bird foil tape, will be used throughout the winter. The cannon will be placed east of Strong Island while the other, silent tactics will be used near Minister’s Point and Tern Island.

Holy crap Chatham is at war with ducks. Piping Plovers get a VIP section and meanwhile ducks are getting cannon blasts, ultrasonic bird repellers and holographic bird foil tape. What the hell is holographic bird foil tape?

I think the real question here is where was this technology when we were in elementary school? Chatham has a better air defense system than Syria, but we had to play soccer at recess in a goose shit mine field. The worst was when they would aerate the field the day before and you couldn’t tell what was a tube of dirt and what was goose shit. Just absolute mayhem .

P.S. This is a perfect example of a situation where our proposed beer for work program would come in handy. Offer a bounty of a beer per duck and we’d have booze bags strangling eiders with their bare hands.

P.P.S. I’m no expert but I think trash dumps could also benefit from “ultrasonic bird repellers”.

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HYANNIS, Mass. (MyFoxBoston.com) — Police on Cape Cod are investigating a car apparently being hit by a bullet while traveling on Route 6.

Officials say the driver was heading to work in Hyannis late Tuesday night. While he was driving between exits 4 and 5, he heard a loud bang. The man assumed it was only a rock, but once he looked at the door he says he saw a hole created by a large-caliber bullet.

Like we don’t have enough on our plates to worry about? People are stealing our copper pipes, Piping Plovers are taking our best real estate, convenience stores are being robbed left and right, oysters are making us sick instead of horny and now we have to worry about randomly getting shot at on the highway?

You realize where we are headed right?

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So after this post about Piping Plovers we’ve been getting emails, site comments and Facebook comments from people  who are either in an inter species relationship with a Piping Plover or have mild case of Asperger’s. They are very pissed off that we would say such terrible things about these birds. Who are these people? Am I taking crazy pills? This dude went on a 375 word rant. The entire post was less words than that!

The hilarious thing is that not one of these Plover sympathizers even mentioned that we compared midgets to endangered species or that we said homeless people live in nests in the same post. To them it is much more severe of a crime to make fun of a bird than it is to make fun of midgets and homeless people. Makes sense right?

How do these people not see what we are doing here? Recently on this site we have said it is a good idea to rob banks, praised a man who stole money from disabled veterans, claimed to prove the existence of ghosts and UFO’s, warned that soon we would have to get the shocker to be allowed in convenience stores and suggested we give people vasectomies in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. Anyone see a pattern developing here?

I am genuinely worried about these people’s well being, if we can give hearing impaired people hearing aids and vision impaired people glasses, isn’t it time we give sense of humor impaired people sarcasm detectors? Get on that shit science before one of them shoots me on my porch.

P.S. Here come the emails from people who have a cousin with Asperger’s.

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MV Times – Police work in Martha’s Vineyard towns runs heavily to drug arrests, operating under, theft, and disorderly conduct rising occasionally to assault. The lag between the crime and an arrest is often short.

Sometimes though, successful investigations are built on inventive sleuthing techniques and the persistence of motivated police officers rooted in their communities.

That was the story last week when, following weeks of electronic surveillance, Edgartown Police detective Michael Snowden arrested a man he said is responsible for a series of late-night thefts of scrap copper wire

This article got me thinking about something. Isn’t it probably more work for less money to be a copper thief than it is to have a job? For instance we see reports of thieves cutting outside shower pipes off the sides of houses for scrap. With the amount of time and the tools it takes to do this couldn’t you make more money doing legal demolition? And bonus! You don’t have to work at 3 a.m. and you won’t go to jail.

I guess we can probably chalk this one up to drugs as well right? Well here is our Real Cape Public Service Announcement for today:

Remember kids, if you lay off the crack pipe, you won’t need to steal your neighbors copper pipe.

P.S. Did you know that a penny made before 1983 is worth 2 cents because it was actually made of copper? Next thing you know crackheads are going to be breaking in your house and going through your couch cushions.

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Once again the person that uploaded this pic nailed the description…

While shopping at my favorite store recently I came across this guy leaving. Nothing says Cape Cod in the winter like a bike, 30 pack of beer and nothing to do in the middle of the day but drink! Amen

The only thing they left out is what we think may be pertinent information. We sent this one to the Real Cape forensics labs (ms paint) to get a closer look…

JACKPOT! We’ve got a confirmed brand identification and it is Genesee! I haven’t seen good old Genny since doing funnels in basements in high school. Speaking of funnels does everyone know about using nose grease to get the foam to go down in a funnel? Or is that a local thing?

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FALMOUTH – Falmouth Firefighters Local 1397 and Bourne Firefighters Local 1717 will go “homeless for the holidays” next week to benefit a worthy local cause.

With the support of Pixy 103 FM andY101 FM, the firefighters will “camp out” at PAL of Cape Cod beginning Wednesday, December 11 at 8 a.m. through noon on Sunday, November 15.

During that 101-hour period, firefighters will be collecting new unwrapped toys, non-perishable food and cash donations to benefit the Falmouth Service Center.

This is the first year Falmouth firefighters will be hosting the annual holiday event, according to Michael Mueller of Falmouth Firefighters Local 1397. The event has been hosted by Bourne firefighters for the past ten years.

More information is available on the Local 1397 Facebook page here.

PAL of Cape Cod is at 279 Brick Kiln Road in East Falmouth.

And Bourne…

BOURNE – Bourne Firefighters are braving the cold for 103 hours to help out some local charities.

“We do it because it’s a great cause and it helps out our community,” said Brian Rooney, Firefighter.

They started Wednesday morning and will stay outside the Bay Motor Inn on Main Street in Bourne until Sunday afternoon.

The firefighters team up with radio station Pixy 103 for the fundraiser, which is called Homeless for the Holidays.  It has raised more than a hundred thousand dollars over the last 12 years.

The firefighters say the cold doesn’t even cross their minds.

“We have a couple of barrels of fire going,” said Rooney.

“It’s all about the layers,” said Matt Barry, Pixy 103.

People making donations are inspired by the firefighter’s efforts.

“They stand out here, it’s so cold, every year when I come it’s snowing, freezing.  It’s so cold and they stand here every year,” said Beth Snyder.

“God bless them, that’s all I got to say God bless them be with them keeping them going, coming back every year to help the little kids, help the families that need it,” said Gina Monteiro.

The firefighters say anyone is welcome to stop by no matter what time whether it’s 2 pm or 2 am.

No jokes, just good people doing good things.

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