Fuel Tanker Attempts To Murder Cape Cod Bushes At Bourne Rotary

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WCVB – The tanker carrying approximately 11,500 gallons of fuel tipped over at about 11 p.m. Tuesday near a topiary shaped into the words “Cape Cod.”

An estimated 5,000 gallons spilled, said Ed Coletta, a spokesman for the state Department of Environmental Protection.

Most of it appears to have soaked into the soil, but some of the gasoline and the foam got into the catch basins and made its way to the Cape Cod Canal, he said. What does not evaporate will be contained with booms and removed.

“We’ll dig out the soil in the rotary and replace it with clean fill, and the storm drains and catch basins will be flushed,” he said.

There was no immediate danger to area homes or businesses, he said.

An oily sheen has been spotted on the canal, according to Coast Guard Petty Officer 2nd Class LaNola Stone.

I’m sure everyone has heard about the fuel tanker that flipped over and spewed its contents all over the Bourne Rotary last night. Well, once again the mainstream media is completely ignoring the real story. Does anyone actually think it is coincidence that the Cape Cod bushes were covered in snow for 3 months, and just when they became visible again a tanker dumps 5,000 galloons of fuel on their root system and into the Canal?

I don’t want to be an alarmist but it’s fairly obvious what is going on here. We have known that bitch Mother Nature has had it in for us for months now, but last nights events seem to prove that she is conspiring with the oil companies in an elaborate plot against Cape Cod.

Why, you ask, would the oil companies join forces in this scheme against us? It’s simple really, oil companies are notoriously greedy, someone must have paid them to do this dastardly deed. But who? Who is capable of such a malicious attack against our peninsula? Well I don’t claim to have the answers, but I have compiled a list of suspects. It may be one of them, it may be none, but they all have one thing in common… motive.

Suspect #1 – Wareham – Long has the red headed stepchild wanted to be part of Cape Cod. For years Wareham has been claiming to be part of the most elite geographical club north of the equator. Kill the bushes and the tourists won’t know where Cape Cod officially begins. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if a Cape Cod sign made of stolen copper pops up on the northern Wareham border in the next few days.

Suspect #2 – The Fun Police – It is a widely known fact that The Fun Police don’t want anyone visiting Cape Cod and enjoying themselves. They thought they had it made when the bushes were covered in snow and as soon as it starting melting they panicked. They’ve been trying to murder our economy for years, would it really surprise you if they tried to murder our bushes?

Suspect #3 – God Himself – This theory is a little different than the others. We all know that god loves Cape Cod and its inhabitants, in fact on one drunken night he told Mrs. God that he loved us the most (he thought all of his children were sleeping but a few Texans overheard him). So why would god do this? Maybe he knows that Cape Codders are the closest he ever came to perfection. Maybe he created tourists so outsiders could visit and learn from us. Maybe he finally realized that the rest of humanity will never compare to his flagship creation and he decided to do what he can to reverse tourism. Maybe this is just the first of many acts meant to close the bridges and poison the canal in an attempt to isolate the chosen ones from the heathens…

P.S. The true lesson here is this, if anyone learns anything from this post, it should be to never write blogs when you are sick and just drank half a bottle of NyQuil. Now if you will excuse me, there is a purple iguana staring at me from my kitchen that I need to go deal with…

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Comments 18

  4. Maybe someone figured that heroin wasn't killing cape cod fast enough and decided to add to the scheme

  5. Maybe someone figured that heroin wasn't killing cape cod fast enough and decided to add to the scheme

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