Dear Dino:

Yesterday, Hippie unknowingly caused what turned out to be not only a life altering Glitter Ginger conspiracy theory via tweet, but a heated debate with a dude who originally, I thought had a crush on me, but the more I think about it, might actually hate my guts and would 100% beat me with my crutches if given the opportunity.

Hippie tweeted:


Okay. Seriously. Like, why the fuck have I never seen a baby seagull? They exist, right? I mean everything is a baby at some point, and I’ve seen my fair share of baby birds since most of my time is spent building forts and salamander hunting in the woods. I began to ponder..

..there’s literally no logical explanation for why we never see baby seagulls other than the fact that they’re robots strategically placed by the government. Think about it: they’re fucking everywhere. No other bird will just walk up to you while mid-bite and grab a bologna sandwich out of your hand. And when they dive bomb? NOBODY is that accurate. They’re fucking programmed trash bird machines sent to Cape Cod to collect information, find terrorists and tip the cops off when druggies steal shit out of summer homes.

I could seriously debate this for days, but that’s not the point. Once I really started thinking about this, I naturally chose a select few to text and bring together in a focus group in order to discuss said theory. One person, in particular, I apparently offended. He not only didn’t provide a theory of his own, but spit a three paragraph text about how he refused to answer because he was convinced I would take his words and make them my own for “likes and comments” on the Glitter Ginger blog.

Awka-scuse me?

Dear Dino,

We’ve known each other for quite some time now. I value your opinion, sometimes more than most, because you could literally give a shit about my feelings. If I look ugly; you will tell me. If I’m being conceited or a diva; you will sure as shit knock me down a few pegs.

That being said; fuck you! Anything I write on here is 100% Glitter Ginger original gold and I would never take credit for something I didn’t think of myself. That’s called plagiarism, pimpin.

When all is said and done, I think you’re mean to me because you’re intimidated by the fact that I can not only take your dickhead banter, but that I can give it back. Also, I’m pretty.

So, Dino, consider this letter an open invitation to not only continue with your asshole comments, dick-ish behavior and overall asshole attitude..but a confirmation that we would probs have the most amazing hate sex ever.

And seriously, have you ever seen a baby seagull?





Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Comments 1

  1. I hate to burst a bubble in your robot seagull theory because it was imaginative/hilarious but I think there may be a simpler explanation here: it is possible they just hide them well. Most baby animals defense towards being some monster’s afternoon snack is cuteness, ie. Big eyes, round face, pouty lips. Maybe baby seagulls are just so hideous they have to be hidden away until they are older. If it was exceptable to hide my human baby fr germy prodding fingers and unprovoked kissing until he was old enough to slap people I would have. As far as their boldness goes I hold one man entirely responsible for all food stolen in this side of the cape. He stands in the walmart parking lot with a trunk full of bk fries feeding hundreds of them. I have come out to my car multiple times with it covered in bird shit and him smiling. Message to whoever owns this old man please equip him with a squeegee next time he does his sea gull food pantry so he can clean my windshield of the mess he creates. Or maybe you are right and they are just reporting to their headquarters, the walmart parking lot. Also the headquarters of wanna be drug dealers and the ” look at the rims on my p.o.s. car club”. Wouldn’t be the first time the government has bent me over dry so I guess a poopy windshield is better than taking all my money…

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