CCT – In less than a month it will be time to don the green for this year’sCape Cod St. Patrick’s Parade in Yarmouth. This year the parade–now in its 10th year–will step off at 11 a.m. on Route 28 in South Yarmouth. On Tuesday it was announced that WCVB’s Cindy Fitzgibbon will be the grand marshal.

Fitzgibbon, a native New Englander, is NewsCenter 5’s EyeOpener meteorologist. Nominated for three Emmy awards, Fitzgibbon has been a well-known and well-liked Boston news personality for more than 10 years.

What’s the story here? Were all the other people with last names that start with Fitz already booked? Are all the Fitzgerald’s and Fitzpatrick’s bound by Celtic law to attend the Southie parade or something? This is like that time Jerry and Elaine had to get cinnamon babka, Cape Cod is getting a lesser Fitzy.

This is why people should really consult with The Real Cape before making these types of decisions. If you can’t get an A list Fitzy and you are leaning towards booking a local meteorologist, there is one choice and one choice only…

Boom. Harvey “mother truckin'” Leonard. Sure, Cindy may look better in a pair of hooker boots but Harvey is a living legend. You book Harvey for this parade and the turnout triples immediately. You know that game where you can have dinner with three people from history dead or alive? My list would go like this…

1. Harvey Leonard
2. Harvey Leonard’s hair
3. Harvey Leonard’s bald spot

P.S. Patriots running back Jonas Gray is this year’s honorary member. I guess he’s a descendant of the Gray’s of County Cork?

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CapeCodOnline.com – The state Department of Transportation has submitted the first draft of a plan to replant trees and other vegetation that were mistakenly cleared from the median of a stretch of Route 6 in Sandwich last fall.

Landscape drawings indicate that approximately 350 deciduous, flowering or evergreen trees will be planted in the 1.2-mile overcut area that stretches between exits 2 and 4 along the highway.

Department spokesman Michael Verseckes said via email that the replanting project was expected to be completed by Memorial Day weekend.

I don’t know about this, 350 seems like a small number. For those of you that don’t travel Route 6 and haven’t seen the level of destruction, take a look at this video…

See what I’m saying now, I didn’t count but 350 seems a little low to me. That is some straight up Brazilian rainforest level clear cutting. People that live along the highway’s corridor have been having trouble breathing due to the lack of oxygen in the air. It’s that bad. They better not be planning on replacing our nice thick afro with wiry little hairplugs, and they damn well better get it done before Memorial Day.

We can’t have all the tourists arriving and seeing the Cape like this. It’s embarrassing. The entire state will be whispering about how Cape Cod went batty and cut all its trees down. Remember when Britney Spears chopped all of her hair off? Everyone said she should be institutionalized. Next thing you know the Cape will be wandering around barefoot in the ladies bathroom at a rest stop and driving around with infants in its lap.

The last thing we need is to show up to what we think is a birthday party and see the North Shore, Western Mass and the South Shore sitting in a circle of folding chairs with handwritten letters in their hands and  a psychiatrist. Mass DOT better hurry up, Cape Cod doesn’t need an intervention because of your screw up.

P.S. If Mass DOT says it will we done by Memorial Day then we have no reason whatsoever to not believe that they will finish it by Memorial Day… 2016 that is.

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CCT – While the immediate situation may require cancelation of religious holidays, professional development days for teachers or even April vacation, Education Commissioner Mitchell Chester has urged superintendents to also think about the future.

In a memo from his office, Chester encouraged school officials in cities and towns to consider schedules that can accommodate more severe winters and either start before Labor Day, if they don’t already, or consolidate February and April vacations into one week in March.

Chester late last week put out an advisory for school administrators, informing them that they should not expect a blanket waiver from the state on the 180-day requirement for schools, which also requires 900 hours for elementary schools and 990 hours in secondary schools.

“Although the commissioner has the authority to reduce the student learning time requirements in extraordinary circumstances, that has always been a last resort,” Chester wrote in his last weekly update. “Districts should be making a good faith effort to adjust school calendars for the balance of the year.”

So let me get this straight. The Education Commissioner has the power to adjust the required days for school under “extraordinary circumstances”, but instead of doing that his answer is to recommend starting school before Labor Day? You can’t get any more irrationally reactionary than that. We’ve been over this.

What, pray tell, would constitute “extraordinary circumstances” if getting more snow in a two week period than we have ever gotten in the history of recorded civilization doesn’t? Sending students back to school before Labor Day isn’t just a morally bankrupt thing to do, it also screws up Cape Cod’s most important industry. People hightailing it off of Cape Cod to get their kids back to school eliminates one of the biggest weeks of the year for us.

You can’t just go changing shit like this in reaction to the worst snowfall in history. If it happens to rain more than usual this summer should we start school later to make up for it? No, shit happens, there’s no need to get all frantic. Mitchell Chester needs to remember that a quarter of a million people down here on Cape Cod rely on school starting after Labor Day.

Labor Day weekend is sacred to us for a ton of reasons Mr. Commissioner, maybe you should consider your entire state before coming up with these knee jerk reactions to a once in a lifetime event. I guess using the power to shorten the school year under “extraordinary circumstances” just makes too much sense. We wouldn’t want you to make a rational decision in accordance with an already developed policy, that would just be way too much to ask from a government official.

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CapeCodToday.com – While incomes are higher in Massachusetts compared to other states, so are spending rates. Boston-area households spent an average of 28 percent more in 2011-2012 than the average level for the typical U.S. household, according to new government statistics.

Boston area households also spent more on alcohol, $813, nearly double the national average of $454.

This is a prime example of one of those “no shit Sherlock” situations when it comes to government studies. They could have saved a ton of time and money if they had just spent five minutes around here instead of compiling statistics.

The most impressive part of these numbers is that we are doing this in a place that has some of the strictest booze laws in the country. Can you imagine what the numbers would be if we had laws more like Vegas or Fort Lauderdale?

If Massholes could walk down the street with happy hour priced fishbowls full of booze it would be game over. I once spent a week in Fort Lauderdale for Insane Tony’s wedding. By the time I got home I was flat broke, my girlfriend at the time hated my guts and I had a wine glass stem lodged in my foot because I stuck my flip flop in the mashed potatoes at the reception.

I think it’s safe to say that if our hometown had those same booze laws we’d also have a life expectancy of about 23 years. So instead of taking this study as a sign of geographic alcohol problems, we should look on the bright side and realize that while we are almost doubling the national booze average, it could be much worse. We could all live in Florida and wake up dead on our 23rd birthday.

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Man, everything was so much cooler in the 60’s/70’s on the Cape. People hanging ten everywhere, going to Grateful Dead Shows at the Coliseum, and most importantly no Fun Police. Ever feel like you were born too late?

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CapeCod.com – A local army veteran says his rights were violated after he was asked to leave a Verizon store in South Carolina for having his service dog with him.

Curtis Frye of Falmouth, a 20-year army veteran who saw time in Iraq and Kosovo, was travelling to Florida when he stopped at a Verizon Store in Florence, South Carolina.

Frye said a manager asked him to leave the store because he had his dog Nick with him, despite a sign at the store saying they allowed service dogs. Frye said he objected but eventually left the store.

“I had all these eyes just staring at me. It’s not a comfortable situation for any veteran just in general, but especially with PTSD and depression and anxiety and all the things I deal with. It was overwhelming,” Frye said, who also called the experiencing humiliating and difficult.

How can someone be this stupid in the year 2015? Hey Verizon manager, how have you made it this far in life without hearing about veterans of war having service dogs? How have you made it to the level of manager of the store and never noticed the sign that says you allow them… on the freakin’ store that you manage? How is it that even if you haven’t heard of anything, ever, that you don’t immediately change your mind when the guy tells you he’s a war veteran and needs the dog with him? Do you hear that noise? That’s reason, you should listen to it sometime.

Also, it’s a Verizon store, it’s not a HEPA filtered biology lab. Chill out, I’m pretty sure the dog isn’t going to open the glass case and lick the iPhones. Verizon needs to fire this manager immediately, and not even for any political or moral reasons. He should be fired solely because he’s too stupid to realize the backlash that will result from treating a guy who fought for his country like a crackhead. Being a dick is one thing, but being a total moron is inexcusable.

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Well she kinda won I think. She won Best of Opposite Sex, so I guess that’s second? Unless all the boy dogs were ahead of her or something? I don’t know anything about dog shows because I don’t have a Queen Elizabeth skirt suit and a pair of comfortable flats. Looking at the result codes it looks like everyone might get a ribbon for something though…

Either way we’ll take it. Cape Cod dogs dominating the world isn’t really surprising. #1 Billboard hits, Major League pitchers, world champion windsurfers and Westminster champion bitches is just what Cape Cod does.

P.S. When will the dog world just call it a day with the whole calling the females bitches thing? Think about how much power they are wielding, change that name and the word bitch in reference to a woman is immediately disarmed. They could just pull an NStar, just change the name and pretend nothing bad ever happened.

thanks to Rhonda for the tip

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