And that is exactly what is going down at the Quahog Republic Dive Bar tonight at 8 p.m. We will be there with a video camera to document the action. If you are there and you see us, do something hysterical for the camera, funny doesn’t grow on trees.

Who might the defending champion of this hog off be you ask? That would be our music guy Insane Tony. Will he be able to defend his title? Will there be a new champ? Just how many hogs can Tony take back to back in 90 seconds?

For the answers come down and see for yourself. And don’t forget to buy a beer for anyone walking around with a camera or a microphone.

It’s rare for a Cape town to make national news and it’s even more rare for it to be about something other than murder, drugs, a Kennedy, or a drugged up Kennedy murdering someone. It’s always interesting to see how The Cape is portrayed by the outside media. That said, Falmouth has managed to make it to the big stage with this gem:

No doubt “Wind Turbine Syndrome” is a little out of left field. Bordering on silly one might say, but the article written by Susan Donaldson James that accompanies that video is a bit condescending. You can read the full story here, but here is an excerpt:

A misplaced New Yorker, I had no idea there were two such roads with the same name in this twee Cape Cod town known for its shingled charm and ferry access to the islands.

“Take a right, then another right on Thomas Flanders Road, past the town dump and you can’t miss them,” said the kind man who directed me back down the hill.

“All the nuts live over they-ah — by the wind turbines,” he said in a flat, New England accent.

The “nuts” are about 45 residents who live near three 400-feet tall, 1.63 megawatt, utility-scale wind turbines that they say are causing a mysterious illness: complaints include pressure in the ears, a thumping sensation that causes fluttering heartbeats, migraine headaches and more.

Twee? I had to look that one up. This is what I found:

“Something that is sweet, almost to the point of being sickeningly so. As a derogatory descriptive, it means something that is affectedly dainty or quaint, or is way too sentimental”.

Who the hell does this bitch think she is? Twee? I’ve never heard something so insulting in my life. Cape Cod is twee? Leave it to a New Yorker to be disturbed by sweetness and judgmental of sentimental quaintness. Also, you are from New York, you have zero business making fun of accents.

Ya maybe we make fun of that stuff, but we can, we are from here. You aren’t, so screw you and screw New York.

I don’t give a shit if we are making up diseases down here, that gives you no right to shit on us on a public stage.

And I begin to wonder if the man I encountered on the first Blacksmith Shop Road might be right. Are they “nuts”? Or is that a slight pressure I feel in my sinuses? Maybe it’s time to go.

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out sweetheart. Like you’re some prize?

WL BREWSTER — The Brewster Recreation Department will hold their annual Polar Plunge at Breakwater Beach at 1:30 p.m. Dec. 7.

I went swimming in the freezing cold once, not for a plunge, just did it for no reason and I will never make that mistake again. It is a-w-f-u-l. I say this because I can obviously see why you would do it once. To say you did, but some people do it every year until they are like 98 years old, and I can’t for the life of me think of a reason.

I need answers here. Why do people do this? It literally takes no discerning talent or preparation whatsoever. Like none. So there is no gratification of achievement. Yet so many people seem to do it. Every town seems to have a polar plunge of some sort. What am I missing?

Doing a polar plunge is no different than punching yourself in the nuts as hard as you can. It doesn’t feel good, you walk funny afterwards and there’s a good chance it lowers your chances of ever having kids.

There has to be some logical explanation that I am missing, can you get high from this shit or something? Anyone?

P.S. And don’t say for charity, just donate if it’s really out of the goodness of your heart. Needy people don’t give a shit if you make a spectacle of yourself.

Boreas (Greek: Βορέας, Boréas) was the Greek god of the cold north wind and the bringer of winter. His name meant “North Wind” or “Devouring One”. Boreas is depicted as being very strong, with a violent temper to match.

Can’t get any more dramatic than that when you name a storm can you? There goes the sneaky storm theory. According to the Weather Channel if you are trying to get from anywhere to anywhere in forever and ever you are totally screwed.

If you are literally the devil incarnate and you are worried about the storm’s impact on retail shopping, then this guy is your huckleberry:

Winter storm #Boreas could spare retailers http://t.co/dbh29WoTQQ CNBC’s @CourtReagan and I break down the impact of #Boreas on retailers

— Paul Walsh (@PaulEWalsh) November 27, 2013

I’m pretty sure that Tweet is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

Cape Air, Steamship and Hy-line service are all cancelled so you are not coming from or going to The Islands. If you are worried about Joe Biden good news! He made it safe and sound to Nantucket last night before Boreas lowered his wrath.

Thanksgiving just wouldn’t be the same on Nantucket without a visit from the vice president.

CCT – Joe Biden arrived at Nantucket Memorial Airport on Air Force Two just after 7 p.m. this evening to spend the holiday with his family, just as he has for the past 36 years.

Remember, only click that link above if you are willing to waste a CCT premium content credit.

Seeing as today is one of the least productive work days of the year anyway, the official Real Cape advice is to call in to work, go back to bed and let Boreas do his thing.

NStar to activate emergency crews ahead of storm – Utility officials say they are preparing in advance for a fierce storm expected to lash Cape Cod with wind gusts up to 50 mph Wednesday.

“We have made the decision to activate our emergency response plan as of midnight tonight,” NStar spokesman Michael Durand said today. “That will remain in effect for as long as necessary.”

It seems like every time there is a weeks warning for a storm and everybody freaks the fuck out nothing happens. These sneaky “Oh by the way we are expecting 50 mile an hour winds tomorrow” storms are the ones that screw us over and leave us without power for three weeks.

It’s like how a night that you plan for months always ends up sucking. Then it’s always some random night you didn’t even want to go out that you end up raging your face off, hooking up with a 10 and having the best time you’ve had in years.