So after this post about Piping Plovers we’ve been getting emails, site comments and Facebook comments from people  who are either in an inter species relationship with a Piping Plover or have mild case of Asperger’s. They are very pissed off that we would say such terrible things about these birds. Who are these people? Am I taking crazy pills? This dude went on a 375 word rant. The entire post was less words than that!

The hilarious thing is that not one of these Plover sympathizers even mentioned that we compared midgets to endangered species or that we said homeless people live in nests in the same post. To them it is much more severe of a crime to make fun of a bird than it is to make fun of midgets and homeless people. Makes sense right?

How do these people not see what we are doing here? Recently on this site we have said it is a good idea to rob banks, praised a man who stole money from disabled veterans, claimed to prove the existence of ghosts and UFO’s, warned that soon we would have to get the shocker to be allowed in convenience stores and suggested we give people vasectomies in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. Anyone see a pattern developing here?

I am genuinely worried about these people’s well being, if we can give hearing impaired people hearing aids and vision impaired people glasses, isn’t it time we give sense of humor impaired people sarcasm detectors? Get on that shit science before one of them shoots me on my porch.

P.S. Here come the emails from people who have a cousin with Asperger’s.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

MV Times – Police work in Martha’s Vineyard towns runs heavily to drug arrests, operating under, theft, and disorderly conduct rising occasionally to assault. The lag between the crime and an arrest is often short.

Sometimes though, successful investigations are built on inventive sleuthing techniques and the persistence of motivated police officers rooted in their communities.

That was the story last week when, following weeks of electronic surveillance, Edgartown Police detective Michael Snowden arrested a man he said is responsible for a series of late-night thefts of scrap copper wire

This article got me thinking about something. Isn’t it probably more work for less money to be a copper thief than it is to have a job? For instance we see reports of thieves cutting outside shower pipes off the sides of houses for scrap. With the amount of time and the tools it takes to do this couldn’t you make more money doing legal demolition? And bonus! You don’t have to work at 3 a.m. and you won’t go to jail.

I guess we can probably chalk this one up to drugs as well right? Well here is our Real Cape Public Service Announcement for today:

Remember kids, if you lay off the crack pipe, you won’t need to steal your neighbors copper pipe.

P.S. Did you know that a penny made before 1983 is worth 2 cents because it was actually made of copper? Next thing you know crackheads are going to be breaking in your house and going through your couch cushions.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Once again the person that uploaded this pic nailed the description…

While shopping at my favorite store recently I came across this guy leaving. Nothing says Cape Cod in the winter like a bike, 30 pack of beer and nothing to do in the middle of the day but drink! Amen

The only thing they left out is what we think may be pertinent information. We sent this one to the Real Cape forensics labs (ms paint) to get a closer look…

JACKPOT! We’ve got a confirmed brand identification and it is Genesee! I haven’t seen good old Genny since doing funnels in basements in high school. Speaking of funnels does everyone know about using nose grease to get the foam to go down in a funnel? Or is that a local thing?

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FALMOUTH – Falmouth Firefighters Local 1397 and Bourne Firefighters Local 1717 will go “homeless for the holidays” next week to benefit a worthy local cause.

With the support of Pixy 103 FM andY101 FM, the firefighters will “camp out” at PAL of Cape Cod beginning Wednesday, December 11 at 8 a.m. through noon on Sunday, November 15.

During that 101-hour period, firefighters will be collecting new unwrapped toys, non-perishable food and cash donations to benefit the Falmouth Service Center.

This is the first year Falmouth firefighters will be hosting the annual holiday event, according to Michael Mueller of Falmouth Firefighters Local 1397. The event has been hosted by Bourne firefighters for the past ten years.

More information is available on the Local 1397 Facebook page here.

PAL of Cape Cod is at 279 Brick Kiln Road in East Falmouth.

And Bourne…

BOURNE – Bourne Firefighters are braving the cold for 103 hours to help out some local charities.

“We do it because it’s a great cause and it helps out our community,” said Brian Rooney, Firefighter.

They started Wednesday morning and will stay outside the Bay Motor Inn on Main Street in Bourne until Sunday afternoon.

The firefighters team up with radio station Pixy 103 for the fundraiser, which is called Homeless for the Holidays.  It has raised more than a hundred thousand dollars over the last 12 years.

The firefighters say the cold doesn’t even cross their minds.

“We have a couple of barrels of fire going,” said Rooney.

“It’s all about the layers,” said Matt Barry, Pixy 103.

People making donations are inspired by the firefighter’s efforts.

“They stand out here, it’s so cold, every year when I come it’s snowing, freezing.  It’s so cold and they stand here every year,” said Beth Snyder.

“God bless them, that’s all I got to say God bless them be with them keeping them going, coming back every year to help the little kids, help the families that need it,” said Gina Monteiro.

The firefighters say anyone is welcome to stop by no matter what time whether it’s 2 pm or 2 am.

No jokes, just good people doing good things.

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Barnstable Patch – A new study concludes that immersing yourself in wall-to-wall coverage of trauma can be more stressful than witnessing the actual event.

People who watched six hours or more of media coverage in the week after the Marathon bombing were nine times more likely to show signs of acute stress than people with minimal exposure to the troubling news. And those who binged on media coverage even had higher levels of stress than people who had been directly exposed to the horrors of April 15, 2013.

Ding, ding, ding… we’ve got a winner in the contest for most asinine scientific “studies” in history. I don’t give a shit if you watched the most gruesome coverage of the bombings on a loop for twenty years straight, there is no way in hell that can compare to witnessing what happened there in person.

If anyone reading this ever encounters a human being that claims to have been through more stress watching this on TV than the people who saw it with their own eyes, do me a favor and punch them directly in the eyeball. Whoever conducted this “study” forgot to add one simple criteria. Common fucking sense.

By this logic someone could say that watching the TV coverage of the war in Afghanistan has been more taxing on them than the actual war has been to a soldier that was actually there, which is such a ridiculous thing to propose that my keyboard just reached up and slapped me in the face for typing it. So I propose that National Academy of Science takes this particular study and kindly shoves it directly up their ass.

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You: big, tall man with go-tee, nice beer belly, wearing jeans, work boots, long- sleeve tee, and baseball cap. You were pondering the selection in the pasta aisle.

Some men at like spaghetti. They’re straight until you get it hot.

First things first, no I do not cruise the Craigslist Missed Connections M4M section. This was emailed to us by a reader. I did accidentally go on a date with a dude in San Francisco once but that is a story for another time.

Let’s look at this description again: big, tall, go-tee (phenomenal spelling BTW), nice beer belly, jeans, work boots, T-shirt and baseball cap. Literally the only thing on that list that could in any way discern this guy from every other guy on Cape Cod in December is that he is tall. There are short men here. Good luck finding this dude, you are searching for a needle in a haystack. A fat needle, but a needle nonetheless.

P.S. I assure you that most men that look like what you just described are not anything “like spaghetti”.

P.P.S. Not on the Falmouth end of The Cape anyway.

 

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