CapeCodOnline.com – Police are searching for a person who stabbed a cab driver with a screwdriver and stole his bag at Cromwell Court this morning.

A Town Taxi driver picked up a male party and was told to drive to the apartment complex on Barnstable Road, Barnstable Police Officer Christopher Kelsey said.

“When he pulled in, the male party started stabbing the driver from the back seat with what he believes to be a screwdriver,” Kelsey said.

The armed robbery was reported shortly before 10:40 a.m., Kelsey said.

The passenger than took the driver’s backpack and ran around one of the buildings, Kelsey said.

The driver suffered only superficial cuts and was not seriously injured, Kelsey said, adding that he was checked out by rescue personnel but was not taken to the hospital.

This is so embarrassing. I am absolutely sick and tired of these lunatics giving Cape Cod a bad name. I mean seriously, come on… a screwdriver. Have our once illustrious criminals fallen on such hard times that they can’t even afford knives? Has the crazy Cape criminal game sunk to such a low that they can’t even stab a cab driver right?

Let’s go crazy Cape criminals, you’re better than this. This is Cape Cod for god’s sake, stabbing a cab driver with a screwdriver is poor people shit. Remember the glory days of the Cape, when our cab driver stabbers brandished the finest switch blades available? Is there a more definite sign that Cape Cod has lost its luster than when our own criminals are resorting to stabbing people with a phillips head? It’s a crying shame what’s happened to this peninsula.

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CapeCodOnline.com – Many birds fly south for the winter — but in a plane?

That’s the first-class treatment received by a male osprey that had been rehabbing at the Cape Wildlife Center in Barnstable Village. The bird had fractured a wing when a summer storm blew down its nest.

Although the osprey is just about ready for release, it still needs a little time for some feathers to grow in, said Brittany Griffin Morse, wildlife rehabilitator at the center, which is operated by The Fund for Animals and the Humane Society of the United States.

By the time the raptor would be ready to return to the wild, it would likely be challengingly chilly on Cape Cod, so Morse started searching for ways to get the bird to the South Florida Wildlife Center in Fort Lauderdale.

A Cape Wildlife volunteer connected Morse with New Hampshire pilot Drew Gillett and his wife, Barbara, who were headed down to the Fort Lauderdale area for a little rest and relaxation. The Gilletts had room in their plane and agreed to make a pit stop in Hyannis on their way to the Sunshine State.

On Monday morning at Barnstable Municipal Airport, Morse handed Drew Gillett a crate containing the osprey and he stowed it aboard his plane.

“I’m hopeful that he will just relax and enjoy the flight,” Gillett said.

If all goes well, Morse expects the bird to be released in Florida within a couple of months. And when the time is right, the osprey should return to our shores.

“He’s a Cape Cod bird,” Morse said. “He would head back up this way next year.”

Hey I have an idea. Maybe the Gilletts have room for a few more? I’m sure there’s a couple of homeless dudes in Hyannis with injured wings that would jump at the chance to get to Florida for the winter. If all goes well, and when the time is right, maybe they will return to our shores.

“He’s a Cape Cod homeless guy, he would head back up this way next year.”

P.S. Relax, I’m totally kidding, we all know that we don’t go nearly as far out of our way for homeless people as we do for birds on Cape Cod these days.

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CCT – As of January 1, 2015, there will be no more lighting up at Cape Cod or Falmouth Hospital or any of Cape Cod Healthcare’s (CCHC) other facilities. In a statement Tuesday, CCHC announced that all facilities on Cape Cod will be tobacco free come the first of the year.

CCHC President & CEO Michael Lauf called the reason for the new policy simple. “We are a healthcare system and our mission is to treat and heal illness and disease, which means we must not only provide the best care possible, but we must also lead by example,” Lauf said.

Ok, once again I’ll have to be the voice of reason around here. I understand this ban, as a matter of fact I would have assumed it was put into effect a long time ago. Here’s the problem though…

What about the time honored tradition of a guy having a cigar with his buddies after having a baby? What will become of the ceremony of triumph in which a man celebrates his ability to stand around and do nothing while his wife labors for hours to bring the miracle of a new life into the world?

We might need to start a petition to get a designated new father cigar area built somewhere on hospital grounds. I don’t think Cape Cod Healthcare understands the importance of the very first time a man disappears with his buddies leaving his wife with the kid to do all the work.

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HyannisNews.com – A 2-year-old baby miraculously was not in bed when a car suddenly crashed through the bedroom wall.

A friend of the family was next door, heard the crash and immediately went running to help because, as she told Hyannis News, the baby’s bed was located right up against the wall that had just been struck by a speeding motor vehicle.

Another witness felt fortunate to be unharmed and in one piece after he saw the vehicle go airborne right in front of him. He said he luckily had been driving slow enough to avoid a serious collision.

At about 12:28 am, Yarmouth Rescue and Police rushed to 314 Winslow Gray Road after a single car crashed into the side of the home.

The baby’s bedroom wall was caved in and the home appeared to have structural damage. So much so, the Yarmouth building inspector was summoned to take a careful look at the scene.

The Nissan Versa had heavy front end damage. Airbags had deployed. Its rear bumper was located about 100 feet away on the ground next to damaged traffic island shrubbery. Police were still uncertain as to why the baby was not in her bed this particular evening

That’s it, if I have kids I’m raising them in seclusion in a giant steel cage. Like there’s not enough crap to worry about when you’re bringing a kid into the world these days, now we have to add Nissan Versas crashing through their bedroom walls in the middle of the night to the list?

Good thing that baby went out to smoke a butt right when this happened or this could have been much worse.

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CCCC – Ever wanted to be in a Disney movie? You may have the opportunity when the Disney-produced film “The Finest Hours” films scenes here in December.

There will be an open casting call for extras from Chatham and the Cape for the feature film on Saturday, Nov. 1, from 1 to 3 p.m. at the Monomoy Middle School gymnasium at 425 Crowell Rd. According to the announcement by Boston Casting, those attending the casting call should bring a headshot or photo of themselvesas well as a resume. Be prepared to fill out an information sheet upon arrival.

The casting agency is looking for extras who are available Dec. 5 through 13, who can work 12-plus hours day and/or nights in Chatham. Based on information provided to the board of selectmen by the production company a few weeks ago, scenes will be filmed here at Stage Harbor, the lighthouse and Coast Guard Station, and downtown near Sears Park.

Bust out the headshot and dust off the resume! You heard it here, so if any of you land a role just promise us that you’ll send us the hot phone pics of Casey Affleck picking his nose, we are opening up a Real Cape TMZ division soon.

Hey if nothing else, it is an $85M production so there’s bound to be donuts.

P.S. How many of you have a headshot and a resume handy? 8, 9 maybe?

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Vineyard Gazette – An uncommon visitor turned up in Edgartown harbor this weekend: a juvenile African pompano, an iridescent tropical fish that likely drifted north from waters off the southern United States.

The sighting was reported this weekend by longtime squid fisherman Janet Messineo, who spotted the fish swimming in Edgartown harbor before it was caught. What she thought was a weed sped off through the harbor.

Later, she got a better look at what she describes as “a beautiful tropical-looking fish with tendrils.” It was her first encounter with the species.

Ms. Messineo was there at around 10 p.m. Saturday when a local squid fisherman caught a squid on a jig. As the squid was being pulled onto Memorial Dock, it grabbed the African pompano.

After the squid and the fish were on the dock, Ms. Messineo held the juvenile fish briefly in her hand before letting it go.

NOOOO! Don’t throw the Ebola fish back! Quarantine the damn thing in an Outbreak tent! What the hell is wrong with this lady?

More importantly why are we still letting fish from Africa anywhere near the United States? Ebola has killed more people in this country than we’ve sent to Jupiter in a Buick! How many people have to die before we take this threat seriously? Two? CLOSE THE BORDERS!

You thought Katharine the shark was scary, she’s nothing compared to a fish that will turn your organs into a soup that comes out of your eyeballs. First Ebola Nurse up in Maine is galavanting around on her mountain bike and now this lady is just tossing Ebola Fish around like she’s playing freaking Bocce. When will people start realizing that 1 out of every 316,100,000 Americans die of Ebola? Oh the humanity!

P.S. I still can’t believe the CDC hasn’t contacted me about the cure I discovered for Ebola weeks ago.

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CapeCodOnline.com – One of the chief complaints voiced by opponents of NStar’s annual herbicide treatment on land beneath its power lines is that members of the public are not told specifically when their areas will be treated.

That lack of information was evident Wednesday when a group of protesters gathered outside NStar’s service center on Willow Street to demonstrate against the use of herbicide applications, which they believed had just recently gotten underway on the Cape.

A spokesman from NStar told the Times just hours after the rally that the treatments are in fact nearly finished, and crews should be out of the area by the end of this week.

Residents in Bourne, Chatham, Dennis, Falmouth, Harwich, Sandwich, Truro, Yarmouth and Wellfleet had been notified in late summer that the utility company would be spraying in their towns and that work could continue until Dec. 31.

But work will instead wrap up by NStar’s target date of Oct. 31.

“It’s been going quite well, and we’ve done everything,” NStar spokesman Michael Durand said.

We’ve written about NStar poisoning us before, but I may need to switch sides on this issue if they keep this up. At this point they are just getting so cocky you almost have to respect it. Not giving a fuck is one of our favorite things here at The Real Cape and NStar is reinventing the “not giving a fuck” game right now. Someone asked NStar about when their highly controversial herbicide campaign on Cape Cod might end and their spokesman’s response was just like…

“Oh we’re pretty much done, yeah, the poisoning is going so well that we’re actually way ahead of schedule. You saw the size of that big truck sprayer right? That thing is awesome. We’ve poisoned almost everything already, the ground, the water, the trees, yeah it’s been a GREAT year for poisoning people, it’s almost as if the poison has spread itself. Yup, if all goes to plan we should be done poisoning you guys any day now”

Such an amazingly cool, calm, and collected yet simultaneously evil response. I think they pulled a Jedi mind trick on me and now I’m actually proud of how efficiently they are able to contaminate our entire peninsula. NStar is kind of like Walter White from Breaking Bad or Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy now. They are evil, I know they are evil, they do evil things, but I find myself rooting for them for some reason.

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