(Yes, we know that’s not him, but it popped up after a “scooter no helmet” search, and it’s glorious)

CapeCodTimes.com – David Fournier, 25, of Provincetown pleaded not guilty Monday to several charges after being arrested Saturday for riding a moped after his license had been revoked, according to court documents.

After his arrest he cut himself and scrawled swastikas on the glass of a police cruiser, according to police. Truro Police Sgt. Carrie DeAngelo stopped Fournier on Commercial Street in Provincetown at 12:47 pm Saturday because he was not wearing a helmet while riding a scooter, according to a police report. Fournier told her he didn’t need a helmet because the scooter was electric and didn’t go over 20 mph, according to the report.

I’d never condone this guys actions, but he didn’t really have a choice here, he had to do something insane after his arrest. You can’t just waltz into the clink and tell your fellow inmates that you’re in for not wearing a helmet on an electric scooter that only goes 20 mph. Not if you don’t want to immediately become someone’s bitch you can’t.

This dude knew he had to spice up his story or he’d be giving his mashed potatoes and a reach around to every inmate on cell block 4. When you paint yourself into a corner with a scooter helmet violation you’d damn well better slice yourself open and start finger painting some good old fashioned Nazi symbols. That’s crazy Cape Cod criminal 101.

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(interactive map below)

This month the state will be stocking ponds with about half a million trout. Below is a map of the ponds that will be stocked this year. Gotta love being on the top of the food chain. We grow ’em just to catch’em, what a country!

The list below is updated every Friday on the Mass Fisheries Website.

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CapeNews.net – The fourth largest town on Cape Cod, Sandwich is considering a $72.7 million operating budget for the pending fiscal year, with a major school closure in the wings and a $30 million public facilities proposal on the horizon this fall.

So what financial question gets Sandwich stirred up?

The town hall piano.

The piano that, selectman R. Patrick Ellis said, has sat in town hall for just over a century, has been the subject of extended discussion by boards including the community preservation committee, the capital improvement planning committee, the board of selectmen and the finance committee.

At issue is the estimated $16,000 needed to recondition the inner workings of the piano to keep it in tune after it has been played for any length of time.

Bureaucracy at its finest ladies and gentlemen! I highly suggest you click the link and read the original article in its entirety. You will not believe how much time has been wasted on this piano, you’d think Sandwich was arguing over an offshore wind turbine made out Piping Plover beaks.

Sometimes the problem with a government of the people is that there are people involved. A handful of oldies remember some dude in the ’30’s playing ragtime on the town hall piano and now they think it’s the dead sea scrolls and is somehow deserving of $16,000 of taxpayer money and the precious time of 387 committee members.

Is history cool? Yes, I love history, but it’s also nowhere near as important as the education of a child or paying for a thousand year storm’s worth of snow removal. $16,000 buys a bunch of laptops or pays for a lot of unexpected plowing.

To the people looking to repair this relic, I say kudos to you for your efforts, your goal is admirable, but your methods are severely misguided. Money for old pianos should come from galas with bow ties, wine, cheese and pretension, not a taxpayer funded budget. Please go plan a fundraiser and leave the selectmen and committees alone to fix real fiscal problems, I’m pretty sure they have plenty keeping them busy these days.

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CapeCodTimes.com – With 14.1 acres of Sandy Neck beach property up for sale, the question becomes: What can be done with it? The land was listed with Premier Commercial in Hyannis for $295,000 on March 19.

In Premier owner John Ciluzzi’s opinion, the asking price is low compared with other Cape Cod beach land parcels because of the due diligence a potential buyer would need to do to find out its potential uses. The land is on the north side of Sandy Neck, fronting Cape Cod Bay. The other three sides of the rectangular parcel are surrounded by town-owned land, Ciluzzi explained.

“I don’t think you would find 14 acres of beach property in the region available for that price, but that being said, there are conservation issues and regulations that come into play with a property like this,” he said. “While it’s a breathtaking piece of property, potential owners would need to research buildability possibilities, access restrictions, and other issues that go into purchasing a property on Sandy Neck.”

Is it just me or does $295,000 seem like a bargain for this land? Don’t get me wrong, there is zero chance I would ever buy a piece of property that you can’t build on or really ever do anything with and probably has a Piping Plover blocking vehicle access. But, if I were a gazillionaire? I’d scoop it up in a heartbeat and figure out a use later. Maybe have my dog brought there by helicopter a few times a day to take what would be the most idyllic Cape Cod dumps of all time.

I just hope some ass hat doesn’t buy this and put up fences or something. Maybe we should launch a GoFundMe and start a Real Cape readers collective to buy it ourselves. We could throw some pretty bad ass parties on 14 acres of beach. We could make it a no Fun Police zone and get down to some serious business out there. Can you say music festival in the sand? Who’s in?

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photo credit: Robert Bastille

HyannisNews.com – Massachusetts State Police Bomb Squads and a Hazmat team were called in yesterday to deal with a suspicious propane tank reportedly containing anhydrous ammonia.

Anhydrous ammonia is a volatile pungent gas often used in the illicit production of methamphetamines, such as “crystal meth…”

Propane tanks used in meth manufacturing are often emptied and used to transport anhydrous ammonia.  The tanks become hazardous and dangerous to reuse because the ammonia chemical compound, which is often stored under high pressure in liquid form, reacts with certain metals and weakens the  structure. The tanks become an explosion hazard. Anhydrous ammonia also presents potentially lethal health complications if inhaled, or even when it comes in contact with the skin… The severity of the adverse effects depends on the level of exposure…

Perfect timing! Has the snow melting in your yard exposed empty packs of Newports and discarded nips of Fireball? Is the thought of the massive spring cleanup left you completely overwhelmed? Not to worry! New from Blue Rhino is the Cape Cod crystal meth starter kit tank for your grill.

All you need to do is invite all of your friends over for a Memorial Day barbecue and have plenty of rakes on hand. Fire up the grill and watch your friends start pacing the yard in circles. Hand each one of them a rake and voila! Next thing you know the hypodermics and dog poop left behind by the melting snow are cleaned up, ready for disposal, your lawn is clean enough to eat off of, and your friends have started re siding the house.

The beauty is you don’t even need to have any food on hand because nobody ever gets hungry at a Cape Cod crystal meth barbecue! They do, however, last 3-5 days around the clock, so make sure to have plenty of activities lined up… oh, and be prepared to replace all of your copper pipes after your guests finally leave.

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Wait, hold up a second. Hip Hop? On Cape Cod? In April? At The Beach House? Handmade glass from Green Side Up Gallery?

Yes. And not just any Hip Hop. Viva La Hop is coming down from Beantown with horns, strings, drums, etc. etc. to throw down some of that organic shhh… check it out…

Cape Cod’s own Mighty Ceej will be performing his own unique blend of positive poetry as well…

We are also pleased to tell you that tonight is also The Bulife‘s triumphant return to the Upper Cape. Provincetown’s finest Hip Hop collective, The Bulife are artists in every sense of the word…

Throw in the fact the Green Side Up Gallery will be there displaying some of their funkiest glass and we’ve got ourselves a mini festival brewing this evening. Every Cape Codder needs a glass chillum lure…

All of this madness will be hosted by The Real Cape’s own Insane Tony. Why do the same old shit when you can see true artists of many mediums and hear some original music? Expand your horizons and get down to The Beach House tonight, you will not regret it… that’s a certified organic, free range, hormone free, Hippie guarantee.

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ABC – A treasure hunter’s effort to salvage what he calls $3 billion in platinum from a World War II shipwreck off Cape Cod has been ended by a federal judge.

Greg Brooks’ company Sea Hunters LP is no longer allowed to salvage additional items from the S.S. Port Nicholson, which was sunk by a Nazi U-boat in 1942, U.S. District Judge George Singal ruled on Wednesday.

Brooks said he believed the Port Nicholson carried platinum bars from the Soviet Union that were payment to the U.S. for war supplies. His treasure hunt had led to a criminal investigation and legal action by investors who paid him millions of dollars.

Tha-tha-tha three, ba-ba-ba billion, da-da-da dollars? If anyone needs me I’ll be in the shed digging out a mask and snorkel. Even if there is only 1% of the platinum he thinks there is, that’s ten, million, dollars. Three billion is an unfathomable number. (The elusive triple pun! That’s three simultaneous contextual meanings for those of you keeping score at home)

If I read the article correctly, this guy knows exactly where this ship is. The judge said he can’t salvage additional items from it. That means he has salvaged some items already right? Ummm… hey Brooksy can we have a private chat in the next paragraph please?

Dude! Why didn’t you grab the $3 billion in platinum when you were there the first time? What’s that saying about it being easier to ask forgiveness than permission? I realize a bronze propeller can fetch a pretty penny but that’s copper pipes for crack type shit compared to the platinum. You left Oprah’s net worth lying on the ocean floor.

I’ll tell you what Jacques Cousteau, email us the longitude and latitude of the S.S. Port Nicholson and we’ll give you 10% of the platinum we recover, we’ll be Oprah and you can be Gayle.

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