Herald – A Hyannis doctor has agreed to shut down his practice and now faces criminal charges from Attorney General Maura Healey, who said he doled out powerful and addictive painkillers to patients with histories of substance abuse and then ordered MRIs and other tests to create a paper trail to cover his “unlawful practices.”

A grand jury returned indictments Friday against Dr. Mohammad Nassery, 63, charging him with 11 counts of illegal prescribing, nine counts of making false Medicaid claims and one count of larceny over $250, according to Healey’s office.

The case is the first Healey has brought against a doctor after she vowed earlier this year to crack down on so-called “pill mills.” The Herald reported last month that the new AG has ordered several of her top lieutenants to cull through Medicaid databases, and chase tips of doctors and clinics dishing out powerful painkillers without discretion — an approach she called one prong of her plan to fight opiate abuse.

Hmmm… so Mohammad is getting ’em hooked on Cape Cod, and when they can’t afford the prescription stuff anymore they need to switch over to heroin, which is grown by some dude in Afghanistan probably named… Mohammad. Coincidence?

Yes. The answer is yes. It’s a coincidence. But nothing brightens up a rainy Tuesday afternoon like some mild racial profiling with a dash of conspiracy theory on the side.

P.S. In all seriousness though, is it really making a difference when we keep arresting people for selling something that it’s perfectly legal to manufacture? It’s simple supply and demand, but instead of focusing on the supply or the demand we keep focusing on the middle men. Just get to the actual source of the problem will ya?

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CapeCodTimes.com – Shortly before 5:10 p.m. Friday, a driver passing through the Bourne Rotary saw smoke rising from the former IHOP restaurant building and called state police.

Across four lanes of traffic leading up to the Bourne Bridge, troopers only needed to look out the windows of the state police barracks to see the smoke for themselves.

Within minutes, Bourne firefighters responded to find light smoke rising from the side of the building facing the rotary. But through the front door, Deputy Fire Chief David Pelonzi could see flames inside the building, which was under construction as part of Cape Cod Enterprises Inc.’s efforts to transform the site into its sixth Dunkin’ Donuts franchise in Bourne.

So we write a post about how awful of an idea the new Dunkin’ Donuts at The Bourne Rotary is and the very next day it’s engulfed in flames? I don’t know about you but… I SMELL A CONSPIRACY! Just like when the tanker tried to murder the Cape Cod bushes, we have compiled a list of suspects…

Suspect #1 – Our Mortal Enemies – Could it be somebody that hates The Real Cape burned it down to make us look like suspects? Maybe The Fun Police are tired of us calling them out? Maybe a gang of Piping Plovers did it because they are sick of us saying we want our beaches back? It might even have been some clairvoyant Sturgis person that knew I would write a few jokes about them that would make their heads explode? All I know is that it’s a good thing everyone here at The Real Cape has a rock solid alibi.

Suspect #2 – Wareham – I don’t even have a theory for this one, but Wareham is always a suspect… always.

Suspect #3 – Stan – Maybe we have a crazed fan like Stan in that Eminem song? He might be sending letters we aren’t returning and thinking this is the only way to get our attention? All I know is that my tea’s gone cold and I’m wondering why, I got out of bed at all…

Suspect #4 – The Wax Paper Company – They are probably pissed that Dunkin’ stopped giving out wax paper when you get a honey dipped, a coffee roll, or anything else sticky. Does Dunkin’ management not understand how awful it is to eat a sticky donut with paper napkins stuck all over it? I’ve had to resort to ripping up the bag and using it as wax paper like some kind of barbarian, JUST GIVE US THE WAX PAPER!

Suspect #5 – God Himself – This could just be another attempt to keep the heathens on the mainland away from his perfect creations on the chosen peninsula. This is just another step in his plan to isolate the center of the universe from the masses and create an advanced Utopian society on Cape Cod.

P.S. We probably shouldn’t rule out electrical fire quite yet either.

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CapeCodTimes.com – A school bus driver arrested Friday evening on a charge of driving under the influence of alcohol, second offense, with students on board the bus, was a recent hire but had passed a background check, according to the bus company president.

Bus driver Everett Redmond, Jr., 62, of Brewster, is also charged with child endangerment while driving under the influence of liquor, state police said. State police stopped the Cape Destinations bus at the Burger King and Mobil parking lot off Exit 6 of Route 6 after a student on the bus called her mother to report erratic driving and the mother then called the state police.

The students were on the way from Cape Cod Regional Technical High School in Harwich.

See what I mean about other Cape schools not being on a level playing field with Sturgis? While the charter school kids are on a CCRTA bus eating caviar off of their solid gold laptops on their way to their ten person classrooms, the tech kids are sitting on the yellow bus getting pelted by empty Fireball shots the boozebag driver is throwing over his shoulder every five minutes.

Let’s be honest though, can you really blame this guy? I’ve driven with two kids in the backseat and that’s enough to drive you to drink. I can’t even imagine a bus load of the little pricks. It’s a wonder that public school buses don’t come with a built in mini bar.

The whole reason school buses even exist is because none of us want to deal with getting our own little terrors back and forth from school, it shouldn’t be all that surprising when one of the drivers needs a few cocktails to get through the day. All I know is that if I had to drive 30 snot gobblers around all day I’d have an IV of Jack Daniels shooting whiskey straight into the veins in my eyeballs.

Unless of course it was 30 Sturgis kids. Apparently they blow rainbows out of their asses and shoot kindness out of their well adjusted ears because they go to a “public” school that you have to WIN A LOTTERY to get into.

P.S. If you are one of those people that comment that The Real Cape is shoddy “reporting” or bad “journalism” then you should probably just kill yourself now. If you can’t tell the difference between actual journalism and the crap we churn out then you aren’t gonna do anyone any good… ever.

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Globe – A Cape Cod charter school is the best place to get a public high school education in Massachusetts, according to the latest rankings from US News and World Report.

The publication released its findings this week, placing Sturgis Charter Public School in Hyannis atop the list for the state. Sturgis ranked 32d nationally.

US News and World Report’s findings are based on student proficiency in English and mathematics, as well as college readiness. Student-teacher ratios for each school are also factored into the findings.

What the hell is going on around here? A high school on Main St. in Hyannis is the best in Massachusetts? A street that is so infamous that they had to create a curfew because of it?

I have to profess that I know nothing about Sturgis. I did some quick research to find out why this school is running circles around every other Cape school and it seems there are two HUGE factors. First off, there are more kids on the waiting list to get into Sturgis than there are students enrolled. When you have that pool to pick from and less than 50% make it in, that seems like a slight advantage.

Second, there is a 10-1 student to teacher ratio. That is way above public school averages and even beats private school averages. Of course the school is thriving, they only accept less than half the applicants and then put them in ten person classes, plus they don’t have to worry about getting stuffed into lockers by the “average” kids.

I’m not knocking it, good for Sturgis and good for its students, it just seems like if we can do this for these kids, we should be able to do it for all of them. Kids shouldn’t be punished with giant classrooms just because they like sports, or girls, or not going to Main St. in Hyannis.

So my point is this, if your kid is in another public school on the Cape and you’re pissed at the school for not making this list, don’t be. Just remember that a school that lets less than half of the applicants in shouldn’t really be classified as “public”. Your kids high school would rank pretty high if they just chopped the bottom half of the students right out of it too. Seems to me that Sturgis should be atop the list of “exclusive” high schools in the state instead of the “public” list. As far as I’m concerned if not everyone can use it, you can’t call it “public”.

Again, not knocking Sturgis, sounds like it’s a great school, we just think if we can provide such a great education for those kids, we should be able to do it for all of them.

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What better way to celebrate throwback Thursday than with a Brazen Belles burlesque show? It’s not just any burlesque show either, it’s a variety show with all kinds of special guests, contests, prizes and other assorted shenanigans.

It is being hailed as a fabulous evening of Comedy and Tease. Hosted by our own Insane Tony and featuring the many talents of The Brazen Balls, Yummy Hearts, Hung So-low, Doc T. Pepper and many more.

It’s all going down at The Beach House tonight at 8 pm. You can order tickets in advance by CLICKING HERE

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Wicked Local Bourne has said that a “well known coffee franchise” has been looking into the old IHOP building at the Bourne Rotary, and now there is this article saying that there is work being done to the building and they think it is going to be a Dunkin’ Donuts.

If this is true I will puke on my own tits.

There has been perpetual traffic at both bridges for years now, it’s bad in the winter, it’s unbearable in the summer. Could you imagine throwing a few thousand Massholes that haven’t had their coffee yet into the mix? This has to be stopped before someone is inevitably murdered with an oversized ice coffee straw.

I know we have a history of being pro business on this site, but we are also pro common sense. Adding a high volume, high turnover business to that rotary would be like building the Hoover Dam on the river of traffic flowing to and from Cape Cod. This could be the single biggest perpetration that Dunkin’ Donuts has pulled on the people of Massachusetts since they started putting rosemary in their hash browns.

P.S. Hey Dunkins’. Stop making me ask for wax paper, just give it to me if I order something sticky.

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Bloodsucking parasites beware, the TickBot is in town. Researchers tested a tick-killing robot at Nickerson State Park in Brewster Tuesday and demonstrated it at the Cape Cod Cooperative Extension Service. It resembles a remote-control car and moves like a Zamboni through tick habitat.

The TickBot drags a cloth treated with the pesticide permethrin along a guide wire and tubing that emits carbon dioxide. Ticks are attracted to the CO2 and are wiped out when the TickBot moves over them. The wheeled-robot was developed at the Virginia Military Institute and several collaborators have been working to determine its usefulness in battling ticks, which can carry Lyme and other diseases.

Hell yes! I don’t even care that it’s not really a robot but more of a remote control car dragging a pesticide soaked Swiffer behind it. I’m not even going to bring up the fact that it would take 137 million of them 238 billion years to actually cover any significant ground. There is nothing cooler than asserting our dominance over other creatures by building mechanical equipment designed specifically to kill the shit out of them.

I’m thinking we should cut to the chase and just start filling up Zamboni’s with poison and driving them all over the countryside. Why even stop there? Let’s start putting pesticides into all the fossil fuels we burn so that it releases into the atmosphere and rains down upon us from the clouds.

The human race ladies and gentlemen, the only known species that uses advanced technology to more efficiently poison the very thing responsible for giving and sustaining life. You know what they say about intelligent life forms… it would be nice if a few existed.

P.S. This blog has raised two unrelated questions I need answers to.

1. Why can’t we Frontline humans?

2. What the hell ever happened to acid rain? Remember how scary acid rain was? People were expecting the paint to sizzle right off of their cars when it rained for a while there..

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