So a few days ago we told you folks on Facebook that we were putting together an FAQ section on the website. We opened it up to questions from you, our readers knowing that we were most likely opening a can of worms. Well, we were right, not one serious question was asked. What an amazing coincidence that a bunch of snarky, sarcastic, witty, douchebags read The Real Cape, whodathunkit?!?

Well, we did our best to answer them anyway so here are the answers to your questions…

Who exactly is your real mom?

I am the son of a motherless goat.

I want a Burrit02536. Will u make me one?

The Burrito2536, like the hula hoop, had its time and place. It will forever define a bygone era.

If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu what would you get?

Insane Tony. No wait… a Shitbull? A Tsudoggie? I give up…

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

No, that’s what you are supposed to do with cats.

Don’t you hate pants?

Everything is better without pants.

Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn’t it be called an inlet?

The same science is behind this… I have an “innie” belly button, and lint comes out of it, yet nothing  comes out of “outie” belly buttons.

Is it wrong to still be wearing flip flops in the winter on cape cod?

I have to make a confession, I don’t wear flip flops. I feel like I can never fully relax my toes in them. There, I said it.

What are you wearing?

Not pants.

Where can I buy a pass for the tunnel?

Shhh…

Have you ever seen a baby seagull?

We currently have a standing reward of a free t-shirt, and a pair of concert tix to anyone who takes a photo of a baby seagull with a current time stamp. I am convinced they don’t exist, seagulls are government drones.

What are the chances of the burrito place coming back to cape cod?

The Burrito Place never left Cape Cod. You are The Burrito Place… and you, and you and you.

Is the “Fake Cape” headquarters in Onset?

Onset gets a lifetime pass and will never be talked bad about on this website. Any place that can produce a pizza that is far and away the best pizza within 50 miles of Cape Cod is OK in our book. Marc Anthony’s reign as Southeastern Massachusetts’ king of pizza is beyond question.

What is your true definition of “The Fun Police?” and did you all buy your The Real Cape” T shirts that my son designed? Come on assholes, he needs a beer fund for college in the fall!

Fun Police: n. People who have nothing better to do with their lives than worry about what other people do with theirs.

Yeah assholes, buy a shirt!

Sorry Adam Hamwey i dont like ham

How can you not like Ham?

Will The Real Cape sponsor a fight to the death for a date with The Glitter Ginger?

I’m not sure what would be more dangerous, the fight or the date.

Is it true that there is not one person on cape cod who does not adore ham…… a: in fact everyone on cape cod loves and wants to be ham.

See! Ham is so adorable that he doesn’t even know how Q and A’s work.

Corner store in Chatham has killer burritos. they do buffalo chicken as a special sometimes realcape.

The Corner Store in Chatham is fantastic and was a huge inspiration for Burrito2536.

How much poop can your poopchute shoot if your poopchute can shoot poop?

Depends on how many burritos you ate.

What happened to the Burrito spot and the Burrito truck??

Not unlike life itself, some beautiful things must come to an end.

Well…Who the hell is this “Hippie” journalist …And is he a “Real Hippie”?

Ah, now we get down to business. First, calling Hippie a journalist is like calling Tom Hanks an astronaut. The only thing Hippie and journalists have in common is that they both write words.

As for if he is a real Hippie, this may come as a surprise, but yes he is. The problem is that the word “Hippie” is probably the most misused word in the English language. Somehow hippie has come to mean things like liberal, pacifist, politically correct, smelly, socialist, etc. etc. In fact, the definition of a true hippie is more defined by things like personal freedom, accountability, questioning authority, individuality etc. etc. Real hippies are everywhere, fake hippies are white girls with dreadlocks and trust funds playing hackey sack at an anti GMO rally.

Penis sizes?

3 mm, 4 in. , 6 in. and 11 in.

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can’t go that fast on Cape Cod?

Chill bro, take the beach road.

Q: Is Hippie Hams real father…. A: Yes infact Hippie is Hams real father.

If Hippie was Hams real father, I’m pretty sure Ham would have learned how Q and A’s work by now.

Do you have any beer?

Yes.

Is it cool that I live in Vermont but follow u guys? It’s a little piece of home in every post:)

Yup, in fact the “Don’t Jersey The Cape” slogan is the little brother of a similar one started in Vt. years ago.

Now I want a burrito and a gun.

Sounds like a Mexican country song.

Where does the Cape start? Had to “ask”?Happy Summer fellow Cape Codders

In the left ventricle.

After reading all the comments I feel I must say The Corner store in Chatham does have the #1 Burritos on Cape.

Well, if you must.

When is the tunnel for locals under the canal opening? And what exit do I take to get on the bridge to Martha’s Vineyard?

These are not the droids you’re looking for.

Summer people, some are not what?

People.

I agree with all the Burrito questions , the things i would do for a Buffalo chicken burrito?

Do tell, we still have the recipe.

What is “Ok” short for? Hmmm?

Oh Kay?

Is insane tony a diddler?

Loopy Lucy is the only thing Tony diddles, unfortunately for her.

Where are you located ?

I am currently laying on my lawn in my front yard with no pants on.

Is that my cousin?

Not sure, is this your aunt? Is the other thing your nephew?

These comments are all hilarious

Yes, yes they are. This is our audience.

Ladies and gentleman (terms used loosely) of Cape Cod, in our quest to keep you informed of the best happenings on the peninsula we bring you news from The Improper Bostonian in Dennis Port. Big things are afoot down there that you should be aware of, they are putting together a lineup that is one of the best we’ve seen on The Cape in a long, long time.

The place has been completely remodeled both literally and figuratively. The entire joint has been updated both inside and out, and there is a new manager/talent buyer running the show. Prior to coming to The Cape to bring us bad ass bands and run The Improper Bostonian, Tracy Evans was the GM/Promotions Director/Event Coordinator/Wearer of Many Hats for the Crooked I in Erie, PA. She owns Rubber Tramp Live, a booking agency, and also helps produce The Gathering at Chaffee’s Music Festival in Girard, PA. Needless to say her resume is impressive. She has already booked a slew of fantastic bands for the spring and summer seasons and we are really excited about the direction that she is taking the Improper in.

As many you may have noticed there is now a schedule of events for The Improper Bostonian in our sidebar. We will be keeping that updated and current as well as keeping you updated here on the blog every once in a while. Make sure to keep checking them out through the season because they are doing some very cool events. The Improper is right in line with our mission to take back Cape Cod and bring the cool back to the peninsula. The Cape renaissance is happening folks, get on the bus or get left in the dust!

Improper Bostonian website CLICK HERE

Improper Bostonian on Facebook CLICK HERE

Improper Bostonian no Twitter CLICK HERE

CapeCodToday.com – A Wellfleet man has been arrested, accused of breaking into the Sick Day Surf Shop on Main Street in February. According to Lt. Michael Hurley, Wellfleet police, with the assistance of Eastham and Truro officers, executed a search warrant at the home of 37-year-old Daniel Morton on Wednesday.

Morton is alleged to have broken into the Main Street shop and stolen cash and merchandise. After searching Morton’s home, police reportedly confiscated sunglasses, watches, baseball caps and cash taken from the store.

Wellfleet police were granted the search warrant based on evidence discovered during an extensive investigation.

Remember when we said that stealing oysters on Cape Cod should result in a scarlet letter? Well I think we found another crime deserving of such a punishment. Surf shops are Cape institutions. Board shorts, bikinis, sunglasses, flip flops… we need our surf shops as much they need us, it is a perfect symbiotic relationship between the beach bum and the surf shop. This guy fucked with that relationship.

Not to mention what did the SICKDAY Surf Shop people ever do to anyone? Their biggest crime is maybe closing a little early to catch a swell. This Morton guy is definitely getting his Bro Card taken away for life, no cool man… not cool.

CapeCodOnline.com – rented out the barn in the summers of 1959 and 1960, according to a passage in Peter Manso’s book “Ptown: Art, Sex, and Money on the Outer Cape.”

A passage from the book describing Mailer’s tenure reads, “This was the writer’s ‘existential’ phase, when he was experimenting with orgy and the so-called transcendental powers of marijuana. Mailer’s guests often found themselves making their way up and down the hillside through clumps of writhing bodies.”

When Mailer rented out the barn, it was a “lot about the naked as opposed to the dead,” said Prager, referencing one of the writer’s books. The barn also might be responsible for the existence of Oscar-winning actor Robert De Niro, whose parents met as art students in the building, said Prager. “Lots and lots of different things went on here,” he said.

For more information about events at the Hawthorne Barn and to purchase tickets, visit 20summers.org.

Art, sex, and money on the Outer Cape? Sign me up! Do you have any idea how much money I would pay to get drunk with Jackson Pollock and dance with Tennessee Williams?

I’m pretty sure this is a common thought for people like us, but I was born way too late. Shit just used to be so much cooler than it is now. (Yes I said people like us, like it or not, if you are reading this then we are alike)

Oh yeah and this…

Dear World,

You’re welcome for Robert De Niro. If it weren’t for us you wouldn’t have Raging Bull, Goodfellas, and Meet The Fockers. We are cooler than you.

Love, Cape Cod