Did The Glitter Ginger Call Me Out This Morning? Oh No She Dittent!

kayak shark

Today, on the 10th of September, in the year of our lord two thousand and fourteen, The Glitter Ginger made history with a landmark blog post in which she called me out and contradicted my stance on sharks. I am, for the sake of sanity, not going to point out the fact that I’ve labeled my fear “irrational”, and reached new levels of hyperbole on the subject as a tongue in cheek parody of the current media fueled frenzy. I am going to put on my rose colored glasses and assume that our readers understand and appreciate the satirical aspect of my position.

With that said, I am now going to defend my fictional stance with intense fervor! Nobody, and I mean nobody, questions my fake stance on a non issue on my own website!

I’m sorry to have to do this to you GG, but your argument, while quite possibly correct, was delivered with completely flawed logic that renders it moot. The thing about statistics is that 78% of them are wrong 89% of the time.

Fact: Statistics kill more people per year than atom bombs!

I’m going to break this right down to the lowest common denominator. It will be short and sweet, and it will dismantle this “less dangerous than” argument with impunity.

The Glitter Ginger uses three references in her argument. She states that the following things are more dangerous to humans than sharks;

  1. Coconuts
  2. Hot dogs
  3. Vending machines

That’s a random enough list to lead us to believe that SHE may have been hit in the head by a falling coconut while she was in California.

Here is the problem. Notice something that all three of those have in common? They are all on land. Where do humans live? Land. Where do sharks live? Water. Think about how skewed these comparisons are for a second. Of the 7 billion people on earth, how many minutes, collectively, do you think they spend in the water on a daily basis? How much time on land? Now multiply those two numbers by 365 days per year and we are talking about an ASTRONOMICAL difference in the time humans spend on land and the time they spend in water. Of course the percentages are WAY off.

Fact: Vending machines don’t have 5-7 rows of 50 teeth.

So, sorry to bring logic into the argument here, but saying that you have more of a chance of being killed by a vending machine than a shark is no different than saying you have a higher chance of choking on a sausage in Chicago than on the moon. No shit, but the latter statement means totally different things to you depending on whether you are Mike Ditka or an astronaut. I’m neither, but I do live on a peninsula surrounded by sharks.

Fact: Hot dogs can’t swim 25 miles per hour.

Thanks a lot Glitter Ginger, your post did nothing to quell my fear of sharks, but now I’m scared shitless of three new things that I used to think were my friends.

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