True Talk Tuesday – Texting Help

Today, we’ll discuss communication issues with the opposite sex, particularly texting. One reader asked:

I’m a girl so I clearly like talking. Which nowadays translates into texting: how do I deal w/ guys who take HOURS to respond!? Like I’m just trying to get together maybe have some drinks and have a drunk make out sesh?!

Dear Texting Tanya,

Tip #1: if all you’re looking for is a drunken make-out session then my advice is to put down the phone, head to Dairy Queen, order a chocolate oreo blizzard and offer a ride home to the first attractive teenager who orders a dilly bar. I mean shit, if you’re looking for a hook up you have GOT to do more than just send a couple of text messages.

I mean for fucks sake, in this day and age all a guy has to do is open an app on his phone, slide right (or left? I don’t know how that shit works) and his lobster roll is in your quahog* all before you’ve figured out which emoji best coincides with “What’s up”.

Second: if a guy doesn’t respond to your text within a couple of hours, there’s a reason. That reason is he’s either uninterested, with someone else or he died. If he has even the slightest intention of hooking up with you, homeboy will answer that shit faster than I’d finish that chocolate oreo blizzard. Which brings me to my third and final tip when texting for a hook up..

Never have less than 3 (but no more than 5), dudes in your texting rotation. A texting rotation should include at least one of the following:

1. The guy who will always answer but that you’d never actually hook up with. You should only text him when nobody else is answering and you need confirmation that you aren’t going to die alone or move back in with your parents at 37.
2. The bro you have amazing sex with, but would never actually want to be around sober, because he always finds a way to make you feel like a giant piece of shit. He hits on other girls in front of you, ignores you in public and has no problem telling you when you look fat. Nothing turns you on more than a guy who literally wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. Hot.
3. The genius who’s amazing in bed but literally too stupid to function. He’s the one that sends texts that make you shudder like, “i mite be their” or “wut u doin 2nite”. The stupidity is enough to make you want to kill yourself but you’re not it in for the vocab, sweetheart.
4. Anyone with a penis.

If none of the above help get the results you’re looking for just send a mass tit pic or I don’t know, meet me at Dairy Queen.

*analogy credit to Bart; the dumb mother-fucker who called me “iralevant” moments before using that gem of a pick up line which I now use whenever possible for both monetary and comedic profit 

All question submissions are kept anonymous and will be answered in a ridiculous fashion that will most likely have nothing to do with what you actually wanted an answer to.