Real Cape Problems

Everyone has problems, regardless of where you grew up. “Real Cape Problems”, however, have an entirely unique, sometimes ridiculous, but totally valid nature that only a Cape native would both understand and sympathize with.

#RealCapeProblem 1 – Beach food envy

I eat more in the summer, while wearing a bathing suit, than I do any other time. I will crush an entire Italian sub, bag of chips and 7 Corona’s while rolling around in my two-piece, yet eat nothing but salad during the week while fully clothed. Know why? Because there is nothing worse than food envy while at the beach.

No one wants to be that asshole, sitting in their beach chair nibbling on lettuce, while the group next to them is passing around Doritos and delicious meaty sandwiches. No one. The one thing worse than beach food envy, is being the person who forgot to bring snacks alltogether which results in you mooching off of everyone else. I call this person the “human seagull”.


#RealCapeProblem 2 – Drinking on a moving sea vessel

Drinking on a boat sounds simple, but it actually takes some thought to execute and capitalize on correctly – I’m proud to say I’ve perfected it. For starters, if you bring glass on a boat you WILL get cut. If not by pieces of broken glass when it inevitabley hits the deck and breaks everywhere, than by me and the knife I always carry because only assholes and summer kids bring glass on boats.

Second, if you’re drinking out of a can – you need to strategically plan and time your sips between waves. Why? Because otherwise the aluminum rim will smash into your face and SURPRISE – instead of ingesting cold, sweet alcohol filled nectar you’re now guzzling blood. Disgusting.

#RealCapeProblem 3 – Tan lines

Some will argue that this isn’t a problem – these are usually the same people that look like they have sunglasses on after they’ve taken them off or who rock a farmers tan for all it’s worth. So basically landscapers. While I 100% commend their hard work and recognize the fact that they slave outside all day in the sun and need to wear shirts and sunglasses for protection and professional courtesy; I don’t.

Avoiding tan lines is fucking hard. I’m in two weddings this summer, both of which I’m wearing a strapless dress in, which means I’m now forced to wear a strapless bathing suit all summer. Do you have ANY idea how stressful that is?! A strapless top limits the amount of aquatic activities I can do without flashing the entire beach and for some reason, just knowing straps aren’t an option immediately makes me wish I could be wearing them.

I am literally forced to squint all day, resulting in headaches every Sunday Funday, for fear of getting a sunglass line and looking like a giant tool in wedding pictures.

Honestly, tan lines are a minor form of slavery in a way because it’s like the sun owns me and I’m at its mercy in order to not look like a landscaper.


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