Capenews.net A Scituate preschool teacher did some early holiday shopping at some of the toniest shops at Mashpee Commons earlier this week, but she did not pay for a thing. Simone Christenson, 44, of Scituate was arrested on Monday afternoon on six counts of shoplifting after allegedly stealing more than $1,100 worth of merchandise from six stores. According to police reports on file at Falmouth District Court, Ms. Christenson allegedly stole merchandise from Vineyard Vines, Williams-Sonoma, Talbots, Pottery Barn, Chico’s, and Village Trading Company.

Holy crap what a run. And Simone was NOT fucking around. She wen’t straight to the “toniest” stores around.

For the second time recently I’m not sure what a word means. This one I am going to use my own deduction instead of looking it up. The only other form of the root word Tony I know of is the award. Tony Awards are synonymous with the gays, gays are fabulous, fabulous is expensive and fancy. So I am deducing that she went to the expensive fancy stores.

Simone just went on a TEAR through the commons toniest stores. You almost have to respect the balls such a massive operation takes. This is like some Mission Impossible scene. Just nonchalantly walking store to store stuffing food processors into Vineyard Vine sweaters and shit.

Here is the problem though, are there not stores in Scituate? You are next to Cohasset and Hingham for christ sakes. You’ve got some of the most Toni Toni Toni (has done it again) towns in Mass. to choose from. What made you come down to our peninsula to get all Winona Ryder and start stuffing merchandise down your yoga pants?

In the court files, Ms. Christenson lists her occupation as a preschool teacher at the Owl’s Crossing Preschool in Scituate. Her photograph appears on the school’s website.

There’s no way this Simone Christensen possibly gets to keep that job at Owl’s Crossing Preschool right? I mean no way you can trust that this klepto won’t be hustling all the little girls out of their rings  in the 3 shell game. She’s definitely greasing up the kids arms during nap time to slide off their rainbow loom bracelets.

She’s probably got an entire fencing operation funneling all her goods up to Cohasset and Hingham like a reverse robin hood.

Simone Christensen, we of The Real Cape officially pull your visiting visa, you may never cross a bridge onto Cape Cod again. Our decision is final, and you may only appeal once (see below).

P.S. The ruling is based on the fact that you are a November on Cape 4. Maybe check back with us in a few months, depending on the weather you could be a February Cape 6. It’s tough to tell by that picture, but you can definitely forget about May to October.

Shitty day + holiday tomorrow + drinking to do = Post a video

It’s a good one though, it’ll take you right back to summer and make you proud of your peninsula at the same time.

And that is exactly what is going down at the Quahog Republic Dive Bar tonight at 8 p.m. We will be there with a video camera to document the action. If you are there and you see us, do something hysterical for the camera, funny doesn’t grow on trees.

Who might the defending champion of this hog off be you ask? That would be our music guy Insane Tony. Will he be able to defend his title? Will there be a new champ? Just how many hogs can Tony take back to back in 90 seconds?

For the answers come down and see for yourself. And don’t forget to buy a beer for anyone walking around with a camera or a microphone.

It’s rare for a Cape town to make national news and it’s even more rare for it to be about something other than murder, drugs, a Kennedy, or a drugged up Kennedy murdering someone. It’s always interesting to see how The Cape is portrayed by the outside media. That said, Falmouth has managed to make it to the big stage with this gem:

No doubt “Wind Turbine Syndrome” is a little out of left field. Bordering on silly one might say, but the article written by Susan Donaldson James that accompanies that video is a bit condescending. You can read the full story here, but here is an excerpt:

A misplaced New Yorker, I had no idea there were two such roads with the same name in this twee Cape Cod town known for its shingled charm and ferry access to the islands.

“Take a right, then another right on Thomas Flanders Road, past the town dump and you can’t miss them,” said the kind man who directed me back down the hill.

“All the nuts live over they-ah — by the wind turbines,” he said in a flat, New England accent.

The “nuts” are about 45 residents who live near three 400-feet tall, 1.63 megawatt, utility-scale wind turbines that they say are causing a mysterious illness: complaints include pressure in the ears, a thumping sensation that causes fluttering heartbeats, migraine headaches and more.

Twee? I had to look that one up. This is what I found:

“Something that is sweet, almost to the point of being sickeningly so. As a derogatory descriptive, it means something that is affectedly dainty or quaint, or is way too sentimental”.

Who the hell does this bitch think she is? Twee? I’ve never heard something so insulting in my life. Cape Cod is twee? Leave it to a New Yorker to be disturbed by sweetness and judgmental of sentimental quaintness. Also, you are from New York, you have zero business making fun of accents.

Ya maybe we make fun of that stuff, but we can, we are from here. You aren’t, so screw you and screw New York.

I don’t give a shit if we are making up diseases down here, that gives you no right to shit on us on a public stage.

And I begin to wonder if the man I encountered on the first Blacksmith Shop Road might be right. Are they “nuts”? Or is that a slight pressure I feel in my sinuses? Maybe it’s time to go.

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out sweetheart. Like you’re some prize?

WL BREWSTER — The Brewster Recreation Department will hold their annual Polar Plunge at Breakwater Beach at 1:30 p.m. Dec. 7.

I went swimming in the freezing cold once, not for a plunge, just did it for no reason and I will never make that mistake again. It is a-w-f-u-l. I say this because I can obviously see why you would do it once. To say you did, but some people do it every year until they are like 98 years old, and I can’t for the life of me think of a reason.

I need answers here. Why do people do this? It literally takes no discerning talent or preparation whatsoever. Like none. So there is no gratification of achievement. Yet so many people seem to do it. Every town seems to have a polar plunge of some sort. What am I missing?

Doing a polar plunge is no different than punching yourself in the nuts as hard as you can. It doesn’t feel good, you walk funny afterwards and there’s a good chance it lowers your chances of ever having kids.

There has to be some logical explanation that I am missing, can you get high from this shit or something? Anyone?

P.S. And don’t say for charity, just donate if it’s really out of the goodness of your heart. Needy people don’t give a shit if you make a spectacle of yourself.