capecodonline.com – Joint Base Cape Cod was selected by the Federal Aviation Administration as one of six test sites across the country to integrate drones into the nation’s airspace for commercial use, Michael Huerta, the agency’s top administrator said today in a conference call with reporters.

The highly anticipated decision could mean upwards of 1,000 new jobs in Massachusetts, many of them here on Cape Cod, and an annual economic impact of $385 million, officials told the Times earlier this month.

First things first. Otis is now called Joint Base Cape Cod? I didn’t get the memo on this and frankly I’m not too sure I’m on board with the name change. It sounds like one of Delahunt’s proposed marijuana dispensaries to me. Anyway, that’s not really the point, let’s get to the real meat of this story.

I don’t give a shit what “commercial use” they say these drones are for, I am calling for a preemptive strike. This is for all you hunters out there. When you see a drone flying above The Cape, shoot it. Shoot it dead and bury it in concrete. Drones are for use in dangerous airspace over Pakistan, not fighting sea gulls for airspace over the dunes of The Cape. We’ve all seen the Terminator series so why would we even go there.

Humans have a nice comfortable spot at the top of the food chain. I enjoy walking down the street without fear of being mauled to death by a predator don’t you? Why on earth would we build things that can potentially remove us from the top spot? You know why we don’t live in the ocean? Or the Serengeti? Because it lessens our chances of instant unsolicited death. But now we want to add the possibility of autonomous death lasers shooting out of the sky while we are food shopping and banking and shit? No thanks, I’ll stick to the occasional black ice as my most feared mortal enemy.

 

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capecodtoday.com – The Committee to Elect Randy Hunt will host LOL with Randy at the Cape Codder Resort in Hyannis on Saturday, January 25, 2014. The fundraiser, once called LMAO with Randy, but deemed too racy by some, will feature two Boston comedians: Ira Proctor and Mike Whitman. State Representative Randy Hunt (R-Sandwich), represents the 5th Barnstable District. Hunt will be running for re-election in 2014.

Say what you will about Republicans but don’t ever say they don’t bow to political pressure. Unless of course it comes to the use of adolescent acronyms. In that case LMAO was just too racy and LOL was really the only way to go. I was personally all set to go to this event until I realized the change. I am just not content to Laugh Out Loud. If I am paying money for a show you can bet I am looking to Laugh My Ass Off.

I was all set to say that any other political leaders looking to get laughs and votes should team up with The Real Cape. Then I realized that if LMAO is too racy for politicians then they probably shouldn’t get within five miles of our asses. Although our plan to let all the Piping Plovers die so we could have a more direct path from our beach chairs to the snack bar seemed kinda popular.

 

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capecodtoday.com – On this day in 1932, state and local police conducted a widespread search for gunmen suspected of killing one man and critically wounding another outside an empty garage in Hyannis.

“State police laid the slaying at the door of rum runners they believed had been using the garage as a storage place for liquor-laden trucks,” the Sun reported. “The structure stands about 100 yards from the main highway in a rather isolated section a mile west of Hyannis.”

Within a year of the incident, one of many such violent episodes fueled by the illegal sale of alcohol, the 18th Amendment that began Prohibition was repealed with ratification of the 21st Amendment on Dec. 5, 1933.

Can you imagine what the middle of winter on Cape Cod in 1933 was like with no booze? Right now I am typing on a laptop, checking Twitter on my phone, flicking through channels on my T.V., wondering what type of food to have delivered to my house and I’m still so bored that I may start drinking soon.

Now let’s go back to 1933 when there was no computer, phone, T.V. etc. Literally NOTHING to do and then Uncle Sam decides to take away booze. You just had a shitty week at work, it’s Friday and you just got paid but you can’t go have a drink? What is there to do? Keep in mind it’s winter, 1933. Bare knuckle boxing to the death is really the only activity that comes to mind.

So do me a favor, go to your kitchen right now and grab a beer, a bottle, or any kind of booze and hold it close to your bosom for just a moment. Caress it and thank it for existing because remember, in 1933, on this day in Cape Cod history, it didn’t.

 

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Are you one of those people who is always late? Are you running out of excuses to tell your boss? Well worry no more! This guy in Hyannis has the perfect solution to all your problems. Buy his broken GPS and you can pretend you got lost for hours.

Seriously though, what kind of mental problem must you have to post something like this? It’s as if this person has no ability to discern the difference between things with value and trash. Is there a name for that? How about “trashidence”? Yeah that’s what I’m going with from know on when someone thinks something has value when it clearly doesn’t.

Whoever wrote this ad clearly had a bad case of over trashidence.

 

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Capecodonline.com – The job market cooled in November, with the Cape and Islands’ jobless rate higher than the same month last year.

The unemployment rate increased to 7.6 percent last month, compared with 7.2 percent in November 2012, according to the latest data posted by the state Department of Labor and Workforce Investment.

“It’s not a great increase, but certainly we will want to watch,” said David Augustinho, executive director of the Cape and Islands Workforce Investment Board.

Nothing too alarming here, 7.6 to 7.2 is not a huge change. So why am I writing about it? Well let’s go down to the end of the article shall we? This little tidbit is nonchalantly thrown in at the very end…

The Cape town with the lowest jobless rate was Brewster, at 6.0 percent. Provincetown was highest, at 29.9 percent.

What in the fuck? Provincetown has a THIRTY PERCENT unemployment rate? Do you think there’s any chance that number could somehow be linked to them having the highest crime rates as well? Holy shit does P-Town have the rest of us fooled. Every time we come across a new list of worsts it’s always P-Town #1.

To put this in perspective P-Town has a higher unemployment rate than 170 of the 196 countries in the world. It would sit neck and neck with Afghanistan and Yemen on the list. Provincetown is literally a third world country at this point. Nike should be moving factories there to take advantage of these destitute people. Although a Kathy Lee Gifford sweat shop would probably better utilize the existing skills in the community.

P.S. When a community in a world class vacation spot has a higher unemployment rate that Honduras… Honduras! it’s time to think about legalizing bum fight death matches to chip away slowly at the problem.

P.P.S. THIRTY PERCENT!

 

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Capenews.net – Geoff Spillane – In September, Windchime residents presented the board with a petition signed by 50 residents requesting that The Lanes Bowl & Bistro at Mashpee Commons move its musical entertainment indoors. Residents complained that the music from the establishment’s outdoor patio drifted into their neighborhood, keeping them awake three nights per week until the wee hours of the morning. Windchime is on Great Neck Road South, approximately a half-mile east of The Lanes.

It’s Friday, we are all tired from the Holidays and I don’t know if I even have the energy to point out how ridiculous it is to complain about music emanating from a giant outdoor congregation of commercial property. I am too tired to say that people like this are ruining Cape Cod, not just for us, but for future generations as well. It’s too exhausting to even mention how if younger people don’t have fun here they will never develop the memories or attachments that will keep them coming here in the future and The Cape will just get older and die.

That said, I will never be too tired to point out the irony of a bunch of people who live in a place called Windchime, one of the most notoriously annoying outdoor noisemakers in existence, complaining about outdoor noise. Shit like that puts a bounce in my step.

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Capecodtoday.com – A Hyannis woman spent Christmas in jail after being accused of stealing Toys for Tots donations meant for her neighbors’ children. According to a Barnstable police release, officers were called to Hinckley Road around 9:15 p.m. on Christmas Eve where two people told them their neighbor, 49-year-old Janice Tully, stole presents intended for their children.

According to police, the pair said Tully gave them a ride to the Barnstable Police Station, then Independence House, to pick up toys for their five children. The officers were told that after putting the toys in her trunk, Tully abruptly left Independence House alone, telling her two neighbors that she would catch up with them later.

I had to triple check this story to make sure it wasn’t the same one we already posted. I guess this is a thing now? People go and get toys donated for kids on Christmas and then sell them? Seems legit.

So this is the opposite situation from the previous post. If you are a 0, and you add a willingness to steal toys from needy children on Christmas, then what does that make you? A -37? Did Janice Tully just set a record? I think she did right?

Mark it down, on 12/27/13, Janice Tully was declared to have set a Real Cape record when she was rated a -37. Remember this day folks, this record could stand a long, long time. You may have just witnessed the Wilt Chamberlain 100 pt. game of nasty Cape bitches.

 

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