Capecodonline.com – BOURNE – A 48-year-old Buzzards Bay woman pleaded not guilty in Falmouth District Court on Tuesday to charges of assault and battery and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon after she allegedly smashed a mirror over a man’s head, according to court records.

Cynthia M. Murphy, of 101 Maple St., was arrested Monday by Bourne police after the man filed a complaint.

The man told police the dried blood coming from his ear was from being hit over the head with a mirror by Murphy at Jasper’s Too Motel, records say. The man told police Murphy was upset, in part, because he wouldn’t buy her more alcohol, records say.

I don’t condone violence on any level but sometimes you have to know your situation. If you are boozing it up with a Sea Hag at Jasper’s Too Motel in Buzzard’s Bay in the middle of the winter you can’t just cut off her flow of booze. Well you can but if you do it then you have to know that there is a 327% chance that she smashes a mirror over your head. That’s just the way the the game is played on Cape Cod in January.

P.S. Doesn’t matter what town you are from, that Google street view pic of Jasper’s could literally be in any town on The Cape.

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Capecodonline.com

Anyone know where P-Town gets its reputation? Doesn’t seem weird to me at all.

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Capecodonline.com – MASHPEE – A 32-year-old gas station manager was arraigned Friday on charges that he stole nearly $40,000 worth of scratch tickets from his store and cashed them in for lottery winnings at nearby supermarkets, according to court records.

Alexander J. Klopfer, of 60 Forest Drive, is charged with larceny by a single scheme and uttering or possessing false lottery tickets. He pleaded not guilty in Falmouth District Court.

The Mashpee police investigation began in early November and ended a month later with police issuing a criminal complaint, according to court documents

Klopfer allegedly was caught on surveillance video activating batches of scratch tickets at Alltown Mobil in Mashpee and then placing them under his jacket, the records show. Tickets ranged in price from $1 to $20.

Cape Cod criminals continue to amaze me with their ineptitude. Theft is theft, so if you are going to steal a scratch ticket, why steal a $1 scratch ticket? It’s not like stealing a $20 ticket carries a heftier charge and you’ve already crossed the deviant line into criminal activity so what’s the point? It would be like robbing a bank and asking for only small bills. You gotta go $20 every time in that situation.

The best part of this caper is that if you are the manager of a store, how do you get caught on the security cameras? You know exactly where they are. Did this guy convince himself that he is somehow invisible? Might as well shoot a documentary while your at it dumb ass. I’m surprised this genius wasn’t Instagramming pics of his winning tickets and checking into lottery headquarters on Foursquare.

I think it might be time to start up a Cape Cod criminal Hall of Fame, nobody’s criminals are more entertaining than ours.

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Martha’s Vineyard Sea Salt

Salt Collector

Do you love salt, the ocean and are fearless of undertow?

Have driver’s license and common sense? How about housing . . . because you need not apply if you do not have housing on Martha’s Vineyard and a vehicle to get you to our headquarters.

Send letters of inquiry. We’d love to hear from you.

Will I get my Cape card taken away if I say I that I don’t have the slightest clue what a salt collector does? I always figured sea salt was retrieved from the ocean by diverting water into holding tanks, evaporating the liquid and leaving the minerals behind. If that is the case then why would you need a collector and why would that person need to love the ocean and be fearless of undertow? Are those metaphors? Please tell me that Martha’s Vineyard Sea Salt has a way to get ocean water that doesn’t involve people walking into the ocean with pails.

That’s not really the point of this post though. The real reason for writing this is to point out how awesome job listings around here are in the winter. Where else do you need to list having common sense and a home as a pre-requisite in a job listing? Most places are worried about your education and work history but not here. On The Vineyard in the winter you are qualified for most jobs as long as you aren’t retarded and homeless.

This is why I don’t understand what a “salt collector” does. If it were really just walking into the ocean and scooping water out with pails then I would think retarded homeless people would be perfect candidates for the job.

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Capecodonline.com – PROVINCETOWN — Conwell Ace Hardware and Lumber staff will be heading to Buttonwood Park Zoo in New Bedford soon to deliver about 50 used Christmas trees donated for the entertainment of zoo animals including the two elephants, Emily and Ruth.

Not only have the repurposed Christmas trees found a good home — zoo animals enjoy tossing, perching on and even eating the old trees — Provincetown is also getting a chance to repay an old debt to Ruth, who in 1984 was a poorly treated petting zoo animal that marched in one of the first Provincetown Carnival parades.

“She had a horrible life and now we’re able to give her something in her later years,” Fingado said. “Elephants have a really good memory, but I hope she remembers us as the good guys and not the abusive ones.”

Let’s take a step back here shall we? Look there’s no doubt that this is a cool gesture by Conwell Ace Hardware but I think we need to dial it back a few notches on the hero angle. It’s not like they made some huge sacrifice to save this elephant’s life or something, they gave it some old dead Christmas trees. Oh wait I’m sorry, they “donated” some old dead Christmas trees.

Is there any single thing more unwanted on earth than a Christmas tree on December 26th? Hundreds of millions of people in unison wake up wondering what the hell they are going to do with the dead tree in their living room. People literally pay to have their trees taken away. So let’s not pretend these people gave up something that had any value whatsoever. Saying they “donated” these trees to Ruth the elephant is like saying I “donate” my trash to the town dump every Wednesday.

Now if you’ll excuse me I just drank a cup of coffee so I have to go make my mid morning charitable donation to my toilet.

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From Brock Bill – “A shot looking out onto vineyard sound from the South Cape Beach boardwalk in Mashpee. I am a photographer born and raised in Mashpee, MA named Brock Bill. I am currently living in Burlington, VT for school but miss The Cape everyday. I shoot everything from landscapes to boudoir.”

Check out more of Brock’s work at his website or his Facebook page. (Bonus, he takes some great photos of some very beautiful women)

If you have a photo that represents the Real Cape Cod please submit it below or use the link at the top of the page. From beautiful sunsets to drunken comedy and everything in between, we want to see what you see. (Author is optional)

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Editor’s note: We didn’t really want to post this because it’s hard to figure out where it actually came from and we try to give proper credit for everything we publish. There are a few instances of it on the internet that people customize to fit different parts of the country. This Cape Cod version is pretty accurate and it has been emailed to us by no less than eight thousand people so we figured we should post it. We take no credit for its authorship it is copied and pasted from THIS WEBSITE

Mattell toys recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Cape Cod market:

‘OSTERVILLE BARBIE’ This princess Barbie is sold only by appointment. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, an Afghan hound named Honey, and a fashionable ocean-view condo. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. (Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.)

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‘COTUIT BARBIE’ The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind Star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. (Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.)

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‘HYANNIS BARBIE’ This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash.

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‘WEST BARNSTABLE BARBIE’ This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW converti ble or Hummer H2.Her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership are included. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

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‘MASHPEE BARBIE’ This pale model comes dressed in her own Levi jeans (two sizes too small), a NASCAR jacket, and a Tweetie-bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud Light and an 80’s Hair Metal CD collection. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she’s drunk. (Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.)

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‘CENTERVILLE BARBIE’ This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie drinks cosmopolitans on the beach with her friends.Ex-husband Ken is optional. (Percocet prescription available, as well as 6-bdrm. house w/water view.)

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‘BOURNE BARBIE’ This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of her house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. (Also available with a mobile home.)

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‘WOODS HOLE BARBIE’ This doll is made of real tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup,and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you ca ll her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

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‘WEST DENNIS BARBIE’ This Barbie now comes with a stroller and additional infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

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‘MARSTONS MILLS BARBIE’ She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always playing golf.

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‘P-TOWN BARBIE/KEN‘ This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

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