In my 29 years on this planet, I’ve picked up a few life lessons I feel important to share. Take them as you will, since most of them are complete bullshit, and border line offensive, but whatevs, I do what I want.
1 – When laying out at the beach, pool or boat always set up shop next to someone bigger than you. Why? Well for starters they most likely don’t have many friends so why not be nice for once and two; you’ll look skinnier. You’re welcome.
2 – Despite what your mom, sisters, friends or the media says; don’t put makeup on or do your hair every day. I have literally LIVED by this rule my entire life. I would SO much rather look mediocre every day and get a “Oh my god you look BEAUTIFUL!” on the rare occasion I actually put effort in, then show up to work/life without being done up and receive the comments we all dread that consist of “you look tired” or “are you feeling okay?”
Low expectations = high return. Trust me.
3 – If you do decide to go the makeup route, ALWAYS wash your face before you go to bed even if you’re having a sleep over with a dude. No matter how good you think you look, I can promise you that when you roll over in the morning, homeboy is going to notice the black streaks bleeding from your eyes and the lipstick smeared all over your face.
4 – If you’re known for something, own it. Example: Over the years I’ve earned the reputation of being accident prone and well, border-line mentally challenged. Do I get mad and correct people and/or sit at home crying at night about my pathetic existence? Of course not! Instead, I start documenting that shit and blast it on the internet to launch myself into blogger stardom.
Sure, I almost died making a grilled cheese last year and was the first and only person in the history of Falmouth High School to use the “eye wash station” in Biology because I got a piece of frog caught in my eye – but if that shit didn’t happen then I’d have nothing to blog about!
5 – Figure out a way to spin every situation into a good one. You got dumped? Start a blog that reaches 10,000 followers in less than two months. Lose your job? Use your spare time to follow the dream you might not have had the guts or time to before; like stripping. Feeling down because all your friends are engaged/married and you’re living alone with nothing to keep you company but wine and Lifetime? Study sharks. You get the point – something shitty happens; hide the Venus razor and do something to cheer yourself up, psycho. Pizza usually helps.
6 – Read. A lot. And I just don’t mean The Glitter Ginger or the latest Nicholas Sparks (<–what are you, 9?) Read books, articles and magazines that aren’t necessarily in your comfort zone or of interest to you. I recently started getting into books about World War II and Seal Team 10 – sure, the closest I’ve come to war in real life is sleeping with a marine, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t educate myself on history. Education is the key to life – and if that key doesn’t open the door you’re trying to get through then at least be pretty and hopefully strong enough to kick that mother fucker down.
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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony
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