GG’s Guide to Breaking Down a Cape Girl

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So I dug deep and gave everyone insight into the complex creature that is a Cape Guy..but what about us Cape girls!? As explained in GG’s Guide to Breaking Down a Cape Guy, we’re not all rainbows and butterflies, but I think we’re pretty fucking awesome. We’re also extremely odd and completely bat shit.

For starters, on most nights, regardless of time or venue, you can never really tell if we’ve just come off the boat, rolled out of bed or are about to head to the beach. But for some weird reason, we pull it off better than Baby Spice brought back pig tails.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not grubby or anything, it’s just that we mostly likely really did just come off the boat or from the beach and we learned at a very young age that the only makeup you need is a tan. We were taught how to carry a conversation and light up a room with our personality. Also, we don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of us because 9 times out of 10, anyone worth talking to we grew up with and already thinks of us as their sister. And in the off chance you meet someone new that’s worth talking to, he’s not going to care that you’re wearing jean shorts and a t-shirt instead of a skin tight mini dress and heels with a face full of makeup. In fact, you’d probably get punched in the throat if you wore a mini dress and heels anywhere on Cape Cod. Ever.

We’ll do anything for anyone. I learned that this sometimes scares guys off in the beginning of a relationship, because they don’t understand that we most likely spent our young adult lives helping our friends raise their children or babysitting for extra cash. We’re so used to taking care of everyone else that it seems wrong not to. Soo to the guy that gets “weirded out” that a Cape girl always remembers to have your favorite snacks on hand or texts you a “hope you have a nice day!”: die. Or date someone from, I dunno, Woburn – those bitches would slash your tires before they’d make you a home cooked meal.

We’re incredibly sweet and friendly but won’t hesitate to knock someone out if they disrespect those we love. On a normal day I’m refined, professional and painfully polite. I’ve literally had people ask me to stop saying “thank you”. But I hear you speak badly about a family member or get loud with one of my girlfriends? Hide yo kids and hide yo wife ’cause the Glitter Ginger is about to go buck wild on your ass. I am by no means tough, in fact most of us aren’t, but I refuse to sit back and watch you speak to someone I love with anything but respect. **Shout out to my paralegal 

Which brings me to my next point; we’re the most feminine tomboy’s you’ll ever meet. We demand to be treated like a lady but can go beer for beer, bait a hook and kick your ass in wiffle ball. We’re the girls that you call when you want to hang out and have effortless fun. We don’t care if you fart or burp in our presence as long as it’s not on us and hate being doted on. But you better open my damn door and at least attempt to leave the room or aim in the other direction when passing gas. That’s just plain respect, brotha. Which transitions to..

..A Cape Girl will literally give anybody a shot. This is a characteristic that none of my city friends understand. It’s not that they’re snobby or judgmental, it’s just that I guess they have a hard time seeing past the dirt, minor criminal record and potentially negative bank account balance when it comes to dating men. I’ve dated everything from carpenters to business professionals to mechanical engineers to landscapers and the straight up unemployed – anyone who makes me laugh and holds the door for me deserves a shot.

Every time I come home I’m reminded by the people around me that money isn’t everything and first impressions aren’t always what they seem. Chances are, the dirty guy at the end of the bar drinking a beer by himself most likely just got off his 12th day in a row of making someone’s house a home and building/creating things that I couldn’t even fathom. That, or he’s a heroin addict that will probs hit on you, call you a stuck up bitch when you ignore his passes and follow you home, but whatever. If he makes you laugh look past the track marks.

I’m kidding. Unless he’s good looking then at least let him buy you a beer before you call the Cops or tell your brother to save you.

So in closing, what I’m trying to say, is that you’re pretty damn lucky if you have a Cape Girl in your life. Whether she’s your girlfriend, wife, friend or just an acquaintance – I can guarantee she’ll always make you laugh, drop everything to be at your side in a moment of need and will always be in your corner. She’ll build you up when you’re down and make you feel like the most important and valued man in the world – all while looking adorable in your sweatpants, a pony tail, crushing a beer and laughing so hard that you forget why you were upset in the first place.

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Comments 25

  1. Within a month of the first time I ever set foot on Cape Cod, I met and was going out with the Cape Cod Girl I would eventually marry. Our first long conversation was at the 19th Hole and the first date I ever took her on was Mexican night at the Lighthouse in Wellfleet. So true about the growing up part. She shoveled poop at a petting zoo, hosed out marina bathrooms, and scooped ice cream growing up, all while taking care of her family. Best of all, she gave me a shot, despite my questionable choice of facial hair at the time and the chipped front tooth I was too broke to fix for a while. We live in Vermotn now, but get down to the Cape as often as possible and it’s the only place on earth I’d ever live again.

    1. Hey MattyB#2, your shock site link is a failure because the video doesn’t autoplay.
      It takes a certain breed of stupid to fail at trolling. You really are worthless.

  5. Lets not forget those wonderful cape girls who rob you to support their heroin addiction. They’ll give anyone a chance alright, especially if they have dope!

    2. my mother was a saint. She aint never robbed nobody and neither did lamar. she gets it for free when he comes over to fix the floors. Shes a saint on earth.

    3. Take it from someone who actually has to deal with heroin “Cape Girls” all the time: the majority are transplanted from off Cape. It’s an epidemic throughout the Cape and South Shore. Try not to be so ignorant next time you post.

  6. Wow, thanks for sharing how simple cape women are. Simple simple simple. Throw ’em some meat and a beer, and they’ll love you long time. God. Me want sucky. Me want sucky SO BAD.

  7. Lol. Cape Guys are scumbags and hill billies that don’t know how to be gentlemen, Cape Girls are the best kind of girl you’ll ever meet. This buzzfeed shit is such a yawn.

    1. This article couldn’t be further from the truth of how Cape Cod women are. Punched in the throat for wearing a mini dress and heels out? That has NEVER happened nor have I ever heard someone dogging on a girl for dressing nice at a bar.

  8. @realcapewoman lighten up. My guess is you are possibly only one generation removed from a
    Bostonian or Connecticut transplant with the inability to decipher “Cape Girl Exaggeration” but that will characteristic will surely be explained in a future post.

    “Punching” one in the throat is a figure of speech. And where on Cape Cod are heals and a mini dresses acceptable? I can’t recall the last time I rocked pumps on the cape. A sun dress with wedges, maybe. I think this description of real Cape Cod girl is pretty much on point. Many of us are college educated, have great careers, and have even used some of the above traits to work our way up the corporate ladder. The best part about a true Cape Cod girl is that we don’t take ourselves or each other too seriously.

    Life is short @realcapecodwoman, try to have a little fun!

    @GG love the article, keep’m coming!

  10. I’m a social worker on the Cape and I can tell you with evidence that there is a child trafficking network in each town on the island. There are only two investigators that handle the growing issue. Just let that roll around the next time you decide to bring your child here.

    2. Thank you Brendan for saying that as I have felt that for awhile and it’s sad that your line of work has such little support for people to not be so jaded in your career so to speak…. its sad to see the degradation of the morality of the world today…. most peopke see this as a beautiful sea faring haven but unfortunately that’s not so much the case anymore…. God bless us everyone….

  11. This is one of the most ignorant posts on the internet. I have grown up on the cape and I don’t even know one person to fit the requirements that you presume describe girls of the cape? What a slanderous dissippiointing way to be represented. It’s too funny that people like you actually make money or are employed to publish such garbage.

  12. Seriously, this is such nonsense. All your crappy blogs lumping cape girls or cape guys into one narrow minded view are ridiculous. I was born and raised on the cape and I know plenty of people who are nothing like this. Not one or two but MANY. Some of us are laid back, some high maintenance, some down right trash, some the best people you will ever meet. Fact is that’s how people are EVERYWHERE. Cape Cod people aren’t special.

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