Don’t Be Alarmed Cape Cod, But There Is A Chance We Will Drown In Our Own Feces

capewater – From the perspective of a peninsula jutting into the North Atlantic, predictions about sea-level rise and increasing storm severity from climate change mean serious consequences, and policymakers on Cape Cod have been raising concerns about issues from coastal erosion to salt-marsh retreat to rising insurance rates. Problems that will manifest themselves in visible changes to infrastructure, landscapes and wallets.

But a new study is bringing attention to an equally urgent problem that is perhaps more easily overlooked: The impact of sea-level rise on groundwater systems.

“Not only do we have a climate challenge on Cape Cod, we have a wastewater challenge,” said Ed DeWitt, director of the Association to Preserve Cape Cod (APCC). “This is one of the areas where they intersect.” READ MORE

The original article above is long but a good read if you like science and hate it when your kids drown in shit. Since the average attention span these days is exactly eight seconds I will give you the Cliff Notes. Basically global warming and the melting of the ice caps is raising our sea levels. If you don’t believe in global warming then stop reading now, head to Four C’s and sign yourself up for the most entry level science class available, get at least a C-, then come back and keep reading…

Essentially what is going to happen is that as sea levels rise, they push the fresh water table below ground up as well. There are thousands of septic tanks and leaching fields on Cape Cod that were built just above that fresh water table. As the water table rises it flushes the crap into our fresh water supply and floods low lying areas with a delightful cocktail of sewage.

Not to worry though, I am currently working on getting funding to construct Hippie’s Cape Cod Arc. I will only have room for two of each Cape species so get your application in now. Two carpenters, two landscapers, two crackheads, two Tedeschi clerks from some country that used to be part of Russia, two white rappers, two trustafarians, two P-Town gays, two hot soccer moms from Osterville etc. etc. It will pretty much be like Carnival Cruise Lines on acid.

P.S. There are a few things I’m on the fence about including on the Arc. Seagulls I could go either way on. Piping Plovers are out and I’m thinking of keeping two of the fun police just to see how badly they get hazed.

P.P.S. All applications for the two P-Town gay spots must come with an approved adoption app. (for obvious reasons)

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