BARNSTABLE — A South Yarmouth man who allegedly robbed a convenience store on Old Town House Road on Nov. 4 returned two days later as a paying customer, according to court documents.

Matthew Robert Tierney, 22, of 46 Nautical Lane, was a regular customer at Town House News, according to witness statements.

When a man wearing blue jeans, a hooded blue sweatshirt, a black mask and gloves entered the store at about 11 p.m. and pointed a gun at the cashier she recognized his eyes and voice, according to court documents.

The man took $120 in cash and a pack of cigarettes, according to police.

Police found a silver and gray BB gun wrapped in a Cape Cod Regional Technical High School sweatshirt in a Dumpster near the store, according to the documents.

The man came into the store again Nov. 6 and the owner called police with a license plate number from the car he was in which they tracked down to Tierney, who lives nearby, according to the documents.

During questioning at Yarmouth police headquarters on Friday, Tierney admitted to robbing the store and said he was a heroin addict who needed help, according to the documents.

Another story of Cape crime at it’s finest. I get it bro, you need your heroin and robbing a store seems like a legit way to make a little quick cash. I’m not here to judge, I’m here to give you some advice. If there is a store that you visit so frequently that the clerk can recognize you only by seeing your eyeballs and hearing your voice, maybe that’s not the store to knock over with a bb gun?

How about you take a little road trip a mile down the street and hold up a place that has less than a 300% chance of recognizing you? But I’m not here to berate you, maybe you had your reasons for breaking the #1 rule in life of not shitting where you eat. Maybe you have an excuse for robbing the store you visit daily, but dude, there is just no excuse for coming back two days later for a pack of smokes and whistling Dixie like nothing ever happened.

You are like the guy who gets kicked out of a bar and then takes off his sweatshirt and hat and tries to nonchalantly walk in the back door like nothing happen. Ah yeah we know who you are bro, take a hike.

P.S. While I’m sure it is a great career you may want to think about changing it up because you suck at being a heroin addicted robber.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

HYANNIS – A 20-year-old Hyannis man was arrested Monday night after allegedly stealing a pair of Nike LeBron sneakers in a Craigslist deal gone bad.

Conner Tynan allegedly contacted a teen who put the sneakers up for sale on the Internet shopping site and asked him to meet on Denver Street, Barnstable Police Sgt. Michael Riley said.

After the teen’s father drove him to the site, the teen got out and showed the sneakers to Tynan, who allegedly shoved him, grabbed the sneakers and ran, Riley said.

A police K-9 unit tracked Tynan to a house on Hamden Circle, where Tynan was arrested on a charge of unarmed robbery, Riley said.

The sneakers – along with Tynan’s outer garments – were recovered near Connemara Circle, Riley said.

Earlier today we added having your face eaten to the list of things you need to worry about in Hyannis. Now we find out the glory days of selling used sneakers on Craigslist has come to an end as well. Is nothing sacred anymore? In all fairness this dude was kind of asking to get jacked though.

Here are some words of wisdom for the teen and his father that agreed to meet a random person from Craigslist on a random street. You are lucky you were only the victim of an unarmed robbery. Meeting a rando from CL on the street ends up with you in pieces in a dumpster behind a Dunkin’ Donuts 87% of the time. Fact.

P.S. “The sneakers – along with Tynan’s outer garments – were recovered near Connemara Circle” – Wait… what? Are they saying this dude got nekkid after the robbery?

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Cape Cod Today – HYANNIS – An investigation into the sale of bath salts, which included controlled buys, has resulted in distribution charges for a Weymouth shop keeper. According to a Barnstable police release, Det. Brian Guiney began an investigation into the sale of bath salts at the Corner Food Mart at 640 Main Street in Hyannis several months ago.

During the investigation, controlled purchases of the illegal drug were made at the store. Bath salts, a synthetic drug with troubling affects including panic attacks and hallucinations, was added to the Massachusetts Class C schedule of substances in January 2013.

On Sunday detectives executed the search warrant at the store during business hours. During the raid, Det. Guiney reportedly seized six glass vials containing bath salts, police said…

Muhammad A. Abid, 34, of Weymouth, was placed under arrest and transported to the Barnstable Police Station where he was booked and charged with possession of a Class C substance (bath salts) with intent to distribute.

It is a good indication of just how screwed up Cape Cod is when a guy commutes from Weymouth to Hyannis to sell his bath salts. Think about that. A bath salt dealer can’t establish a clientele in a suburb of the biggest metropolitan area in the state, so he drives 60 miles to Cape Cod to peddle his synthetic drugs that cause people TO EAT OTHER PEOPLES FACES.

I don’t know, maybe it’s time to lift that fascist curfew in Hyannis? Give people a healthier way to spend their time other than bath salt induced panic attacks?

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Happy Trinkyi! It's the Inuit word for "first snow of the season." And cars are already spinning out; drive carefully.

— Cape Cod Chronicle (@CCCNewsroom) November 12, 2013

Cape weather: Oh no, maybe snow!: It may be too early to break out the snowblower, but there is a small chance… http://t.co/5mLm1zOHxv

— Cape Cod Daily News (@CapeCodDaily) November 12, 2013

❄ Happy Snow Everyone! Perfect weather to shop around with a hot cocoa.. ❄ #StayWarm

— Mashpee Commons (@MashpeeCommons) November 12, 2013

We're starting to get some snow!! ❄ #Snow Yay!

— HOT IN HYANNIS™ (@giselessecret) November 12, 2013

Forecast calls for maybe some snowflakes floating to the ground today on #CapeCod http://t.co/eWvlr4TOQa

— Cape Cod Times (@capecodtimes) November 12, 2013

We're watching the #snow in Chatham. We haven't readied the skis or sled, but it's coming down 🙂 #CapeCod

— Cape Cod Daily Deal (@ccdailydeal) November 12, 2013

Hey, Cape Codders, is that SNOW out there? Looks like it in Dennis! #capecod #snow #tooearlytosnow

— CapeCodToday (@CapeCodToday) November 12, 2013

Breaking news! It snows in New England in the winter! I really thought this would be the first year since the beginning of time that summer just kept going indefinitely. Alas we were foiled again, and it is a good thing we have Twitter and Facebook so that 8,327 people can let us know that it is in fact snowing. How else could we possibly know? I wish there were transparent panes of glass embedded in my walls so I could see outside, but you can’t have everything.

We decided to get into the breaking news game on Twitter as well, here is our first exclusive report…

Breaking news.. The sun came up today and it became light out, be sure to shut off the lights in your house, you won't need them for a while

— The Real Cape (@TheRealCape) November 12, 2013

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Click here for the full story – BOURNE – On the heels of last month’s rejection of a yearlong moratorium, Bourne has its first suitor for a medical marijuana dispensary.

The Kingsbury Group, a nonprofit based on the Cape and Martha’s Vineyard, has approached the town about turning the Cartwheels 2 family fun center into one of the first licensed dispensaries in the state.

The 340 MacArthur Blvd. facility, which claims to have the largest go-kart track on Cape Cod, is owned by Brewster resident J. Bruce MacGregor, a member of the Kingsbury Group.

Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy Shit! Fuck yes! Oh Please, pretty please! Let this happen! Please put a dispensary at Carwheels 2!

Her first thought went to MacArthur Boulevard, a main artery already occupied with industry. The only potential obstacle she foresaw was Cartwheels 2, where she was concerned that crowds of children would be drawn too close to medical marijuana if a dispensary moved in down the street.

“I guess it couldn’t be a go-kart property anymore, because you can’t have a dispensary next to kids,” Moore said.

“If they no longer have that use there, I can’t think of anything that would be around it off the top of my head that would prevent a dispensary from being there,” Moore said.

Noooooooooooooooo……. Damn it. I guess we had to know that was coming.

Why can’t we live in a country that would allow this to happen? Imagine for a moment a marijuana dispensary attached to an arcade and surrounded by mini golf, batting cages, bumper boats and go-karts. It’s just too perfect. It would literally be the most fun place in the Universe. It would immediately put Cape Cod back on the map as a global destination. Screw Disney and forget Six Flags we have an amusement park where the kids can play AND THE ADULTS CAN GET HIGH AND PLAY WITH THEM!

Everyone would be on the same level, smoke some sour diesel and suddenly you and your 8 year old are going hit for hit in the batting cages on low speed. Vaporize a little AK-47 and mini golf is actually competitive with your 4 year old. Do a bong rip of some bubble hash and get lapped sixteen times by your 12 year old on the go-kart track because you are doing 3 miles per hour!

But no, we have to live in a stupid no fun country that won’t even let us put our weed stores inside children’s parks. So lame.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

No, it’s not what you think. Apparently some Ukranian DJ prog rocker named himself “Cape Cod”. You can read the full interview with this “Cape Cod” here, (proceed with caution, possible Eurotrash overload) but this is all you really need to read…

Hi Cape Cod, thanks for taking the time out to allow the DFD chefs to pick your brain.

Thanks for support, appreciate it! And hello from Kiev.

Firstly, Cape Cod is an awesome name! Tell us how you came up with it. Is there any special meaning behind it?

Cape Cod is one of the quietest places on Earth. Originally it was a project with my friend from St. Petersburg – guitarist of post-metal band Euglena, which had to be something at the junction of the freak-folk and post-rock. You know, I’m a former black metal fan (laughs) (before I played bass guitar in a mathcore\hardcore band +\- (plus\minus)

Cape Cod is one of the quietest places on Earth? What about the uninhabited areas of the Earth? I have a sneaking suspicion “Cape Cod” has never been to Cape Cod. I also have a sneaking suspicion that I speak for all of Cape Cod when I say that we’d like to keep it that way.

This guy makes the hipsters in Brooklyn look like Old Navy catalog models. Polka dots. Polka. Dots.

While his shirt may be bad, the absolute defining factor in his flawless douche rating has to be his music genre descriptions. I’ll even gloss right over terms like “post-metal” and “post-rock”, because even though they make zero sense, they pale in comparison to the pretentious hipster douchiness of the other two.

1. Freak-Folk – Wikipedia defines it as acoustic avant garde, baroque pop. In other words it can only be defined by using even douchier words with even more obscure meanings than the original words. Like pigs in a blanket but the pigs are made of crap and the blanket is made of shit.

2. Mathcore/Hardcore – Ding! We have a winner, this is the douchiest description of a music genre in the history of everything. I’m not even going to look this one up. I would rather just imagine “Cape Cod” on stage doing Bad Brains’ taxes after which the lead singer smashes an abacus over his head.

In conclusion I would like to formally ask “Cape Cod” to please stop using our peninsula as your douchy hipster DJ name. Thank you.

P.S. The name of your Mathcore band was +/-? You are the douchiest douche that ever douched… douche.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony