With Medical Marijuana Dispensaries gaining permit support from town governments in Martha’s Vineyard, Mashpee and Dennis recently, there is a major business opportunity opening up in these here parts folks.

Since we are all about helping the community here at The Real Cape, we went ahead and wrote a business plan for you:

Mission:

To take advantage of the massive increase in people who are craving snack foods on Cape Cod. Due to the nature of the source of these munchy cravings, this new clientele will be less apt to be able to make complicated decisions. To remedy this problem our proposed Munchy Mart will carry only items that adhere to the cravings of those stoned out of their gourds.

Keys To Success:

1. Strategic locations in the areas of pot dispensaries

2. Brightly colored psychedelic signage with bubble lettering and kaleidoscope swirls

3. Lush landscaping with lots of pretty flowers

4. Interior decorated with hanging 3-D “magic eye” art

5. Grateful Dead live concerts playing on a continuous loop on a state of the art sound system

Specialized Inventory:

1. Tons and tons of candy

2. One type of bottled water, remember decision making is not a strong suit of our target market

3. Scented oils, incense and hemp jewelry

4. Where a normal convenience store has Wiffle ball bats and squirt guns? Didgeridoos and Devil Sticks!

5. Any type of food that can be microwaved and zero types of foods that require actual cooking

6. Only organic juices

7. Snack foods only, chips, cookies, crackers, popcorn etc. DO NOT confuse the issue with things like bread and milk

8. 8,327 flavors of blunt wraps and 6,248 types of rolling papers

There you have it, we guarantee that if someone follows this business plan to a T they will gross 8 billion dollars a year.

P.S. No shirt, no shoes? Plenty of service!

 

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

 

HYANNIS — Police have arrested a homeless man and charged him with four arsons in April at homes on Pilgrim Lane and Baxter Road.

Matthew James Pungitore, 27, was arrested Sunday on outstanding warrants and confessed to being in at least two of the homes that were damaged in the fires, according to Barnstable District Court documents.

After being arrested Sunday, Pungitore told York he had a bad drinking problem and sometimes blacked out, according to a police narrative filed in court. He also said he was homeless and stayed with friends, in motels or in the woods, according to the narrative.

I’m not a genius by any stretch of the imagination, but bro I think there may be a connection between you being homeless and the fact that you KEEP BURNING DOWN ALL THE HO– USES YOU ARE IN.

Last week we had a homeless guy in P-Town crying about having nowhere to go and now this dipshit keeps burning down the houses he breaks into and then bitches about having to sleep in the woods? What the hell is the matter with this peninsula? Our bums don’t even know how to bum right.

It’s not that hard. There is a tried and true formula to being homeless on Cape Cod in the winter that has worked for generations of bums. Here I’ll spell it out for you.

1. Break into unoccupied vacation home

2. Get drunk

3. Don’t burn the house down

4. Get drunk

5. Since you have nowhere to go because you are a bum, either sit in the woods or loiter in a public area making the rest of us uncomfortable.

6. Get drunk

7. Go back to the house you broke into

8. DON’T BURN THE FUCKING HO– USE DOWN.

Rinse and repeat. You’re welcome.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CCT – On this day in 1905, five lepers arrived on Penikese Island in Buzzard’s Bay, the site of the first and only leprosarium in Massachusetts. Over the next 16 years, 36 victims of leprosy, or Hansen’s disease, lived on the isolated island, along with a handful of caregivers.

Dr. Frank Parker and his wife, Marion, went to great lengths to make the patients comfortable, providing good food, fresh air, exercise, entertainment, and nursing, but it was nearly impossible to overcome the stigma and social ostracism associated with leprosy.

Most of us know The Elizabeth Island of Penikese as the home of a school for troubled youth, but who knew that before that we used to have ourselves a bona fide leper colony here on Cape Cod?

Imagine the life of a leper in 1905. How sad it must have been, to be seen as a mutant and ostracized from society. Being gawked at whenever you are seen in public. Only having one place to go where you feel comfortable because you are among all the other freaks of society.

The Penikese leper colony closed after 16 years in 1921 and it took about another 80 years, but finally another was built nearby in Falmouth here on The Cape. This modern day leper colony is much more progressive. It gives the dregs of society a chance to actually interact with regular people.

It’s good to know that we have progressed here on The Cape to the point where we now intermingle with the modern day lepers of our society. It is a great sign of humanity that right here on Cape Cod we have a place where the vagrants can not only be among themselves but also feel like they are part of society. It is truly heart warming that we, the normals, now feel comfortable among the wretches. It may get a bad rap sometimes but I for one support Cape Cod’s modern day leper colony (pictured below).

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CapeCodToday – The Yarmouth Police Department together with the Yarmouth Police Relief Association will host the 4th Annual Yarmouth Police ‘Blue Ball Open’ Racquetball Tournament this weekend at the Cove at Yarmouth Resort located at 183 Route 28 in West Yarmouth.

The problem with tournaments like these is you always come so close. You get in a groove and you think that you really have a chance to win. Then after all the energy and effort you put in, just when you think you are about to get what you came for, something happens and you don’t end up with the trophy. That’s the way it always seems to go at the Blue Ball Tournament. So anti-climactic.

P.S. 4th annual? I mean blue balls once is bad enough, but to keep doing it again year after year?

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

We all have that neighbor that we can’t stand, the one we wave to on the street while muttering insults through our clenched teeth wrapped in a patronizing smile, but it never goes any further than making fun of them at the dinner table and maybe letting your dog piss in their bushes.

But today we have the story of Mary C. Dolencie, who went next level on her neighbors. Apparently she was at odds with them over the amount of cats that she owned (crazy cat lady alert!). Mary died in 1985 and she did NOT go gently into that good night.

Here is what Mary left on the other side of her tombstone:

 

May eternal damnation be
Upon those in Whaling Port.
Who, without knowing me,
Have maliciously vilified me.
May the curse of God
Be upon them and theirs.

 

Not one thing about any single aspect of her life, just eternal damnation and the curse of god for the people of Whaling Port. This is chiseled into stone. This is not a game, this bitch means BUSINESS! If you are from Whaling Port Village you have to live the rest of your life with your head on a swivel. Shutter the windows, lock the doors and load the shot gun folks, you guys are fucked.

And if you should ever meet anyone from Whaling Port Village… run. Run as fast as you can, you don’t want to be collateral damage when Mary strikes. Any minute they could be struck by lightning, engulfed in flames, shit Mary could send a sharknado and Ian Ziering might not be there with his chainsaw to cut you out of Jaws’ belly.

Who knows what Mary is capable of from beyond the grave, and I for one am steering clear of all things Whaling Port Village for fear of finding out.

P.S. If the over/under on how many cats Mary had is set at 47 do you take the over or the under?

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony