Hyannis – Shortly after 6:30pm Patrolman Downs and Patrolman Donovan of the Barnstable Police responded to the Village Green Apartments at 357 Main Street for a domestic disturbance where things were being broken…

Officers spoke with a female victim and learned her door had been kicked in…

They also encountered the male suspect still on scene…

The suspect was very animated and vocal as he was being escorted out of the building.

The man appeared highly agitated as he began to violently bang his head against the door while seated inside one of the squad cars.

See this is why it is so important to have alternative news sources like The Real Cape in the world today. Hyannisnews.com just glossed right over the absolute most important part of this video. Did you hear the bomb that guy drops at the 27 second mark?

“Hey hey! Green Lotus? Green Lotus next door? Green Lotus. Orgy parties at night.”

Hello! Taxi! Green Lotus on Main please!

Hey Green Lotus you might want to add some staff this weekend if this video gets around. This could be the biggest boost a Cape Cod business has gotten from a video since Oprah featured Centerville Pie Company, they would be crazy to not capitalize on this.

The Green Lotus, come for the vegan specialties. Stay for the orgy party!

HYANNIS — Gov. Deval Patrick has signed a bill that allows the town of Barnstable to lease the National Guard Armory on South Street, which will become a pirate museum.

The bill, which was sponsored by state Rep. Brian Mannal, D-Barnstable, is one of the last remaining hurdles before developers can move forward with plans for a museum there. Patrick signed the bill Tuesday, Mannal said.

There’s two ways they could go with this. An awesome way, and a terrible way. The terrible way is to make it all serious with grainy photos and history books about Captain Kidd and crap like that. Which is most likely the way they will do it.

How absolutely awesome would it be if they went theme park with it though? Big huge pirate ship with a bar inside of it. Captain Sparrow makes you walk the plank right into a heated pool. Wenches walking around everywhere selling shots of rum. It could be like a pirate version of King Richard’s Faire but replace the giant turkey legs with… wait, what the hell did pirates eat? Fish?

Anyway, the entire thing could be sponsored by Captain Morgan and it would probably make a fortune for the town of Barnstable. I’m sure it will end up being some tourist trap that collects dust though. No chance anyone involved is nearly cool enough to actually propose the idea of a drunken paradise full of booty.

HARWICH – The Harwich Police Department will host a Narcan Education and Training program on Saturday, December 7 at 10 a.m. at the Harwich Police Station.

“The Harwich Police Department recognizes the opiate epidemic occurring within the region and our community and the impact that it has on crime and the quality of life our our residents,” said Sgt. Bob Brackett in a release.

Opioid overdose, including heroin, is a leading cause of death in Massachusetts, the release said. Narcan is a nasal naloxene that can reverse an opioid overdose.

Attendees of the Harwich training at the police station on Sisson Road will receive a free Narcan kit.

Holy shit people must be doing a ton of heroin in Harwich if the police decided they needed to start arming citizens with kits to reverse overdoses.

Isn’t this kind of like giving people a get out of jail free card though? Is it a good idea to take away one of the repercussions of an action like this? Just like fear of jail keeps people from breaking the law, fear of death is one of the big reasons people don’t do heroin. Now we just need a kit to nullify it’s addictive properties and we can all start hitting the smack.

The way it stands now, if I ever decide to start doing heroin, I’m going to Harwich to get high. I’ll lay around high as fuck in a nice target shirt like this…

That way if I OD chances are someone that passes by will be able to Pulp Fiction me in the chest Uma style. Harwich, feel free to overdose on heroin here, someone will reverse it!

Truro – All children up to and including sixth grade are invited to welcome Santa as he arrives by helicopter at Highland Lighthouse at 9:45 a.m. Saturday, Dec. 14. Pre-registration is required by Dec. 3; sign up online at www.activityreg.com. There is a fee of $5. The event is organized by the Truro Recreation Dept. For more information visit www.truro-ma.gov/recreation or call (508) 487-1632, ext. 22 or 23.

Who says nothing cool happens on The Cape in the winter? You don’t see Santa getting choppered around Boston do you? Where do I sign up?

Hold up, what is the deal with kids only in sixth grade and below? Hey Truro Recreation department, way to crush my dreams.

Seriously though if I was in 7th grade in Truro I would be PISSED. I can’t imagine the list of things to do for a kid in Truro on December 14th is very long. Little Timmy will be sitting around reading Tolstoy by candlelight while, only because he was born a year later, his little brother is re enacting A-Team scenes with Santa Claus.

I feel you Timmy, kick your brother’s ass when he gets home and blame it on your local government.

WELLFLEET — After months of trying to find a small property on which to produce the salt they bottle and sell, Hope Schwartz-Leeper and Zachary Fagiano, the 22-year old founders of the Wellfleet Sea Salt Company, have found the ideal spot — a small parcel of land owned by Lyle Butts of Bay Sails Marine at 35 Designer’s Row. But once again, the young couple who hope to be able to run their company in Wellfleet have met with another obstacle.

The above is just an excerpt, I highly suggest you read the entire article because it encompasses everything that is wrong with Cape Cod.

The story of Wellfleet Salt Company completely reinforces the stereotype that Cape Cod is not a place for young people with ambition and great ideas. If you live in Wellfleet you should seriously consider going to your towns December 5th meeting of the Zoning Board of Appeals and booing the shit out of anyone who votes against Hope and Zachary.

The rest of us should go to their website and buy some of their salt, show them they are wanted.

No we do not know these two and have never spoken to them, we just tend to like young, ambitious Cape residents with cool local business ideas that result in jobs, use no electricity, no water, and cause zero pollution. Too bad most of the people in charge don’t agree.

Patch – The Animal Rescue League of Boston’s (ARL) Spay Waggin’ will make a stop at Cape Maid Farms on Route 28 in Hyannis on Tuesday, December 10.  The mobile spay/neuter unit performs affordable surgeries and other preventive healthcare for dog and cat owners in financial need on the Cape and South Shore.

Most people reading this have probably come by a few humans in Hyannis they wouldn’t mind getting a visit from the Spay Waggin’.

Kind of a great idea when you think about it. A mobile vasectomy wagon could pull right up to all the places it is really needed the most. Oh you just spent 3 hours in Wal-Mart because you couldn’t pass by the mini Subway without getting a Footlong? Come on out to the parking lot, you just won a Flat Screen for being the 20,000th shopper. It’s right in there, yup right in the back of that big truck over there…