WEST HARWICH – A Harwich man was arrested Sunday night after allegedly slashing the tires of a vehicle parked in an ex-girlfriend’s driveway. According to a Harwich police release, dispatchers at both the Harwich and Dennis Police Department received calls about a man slashing tires at a Division Street address Sunday.

This story is about a month old, but we have a good reason to bring it up now. The term “slashed tires” has always bugged the shit out of me. Nobody “slashes” tires. The very term conjures up these images of Zorro slashing a Z into the rubber with a broad sword. Unless that guy up there is a samurai there is no way he “slashed” anyone’s tires. The reality is he poked some holes in someone’s tires.

Poking is not just a much more accurate term here, it also conjures up a much more realistic visualization of the act.

“Slashing” someone’s tires is a total pussy move. Dealing with anger by sneaking around and stabbing inanimate objects does not deserve a word as bad ass as “slash”. I propose that from now on when some tool does this we make a note to describe them not as a “tire slasher”, but as a “tire poker”.

“I wouldn’t fuck with that guy, he might poke your tires”. See how well that works? If you say that sentence everyone knows you are talking about a chump. For that added oomph you can add the little poking with a stick motion with your hand and the Beeker frown to really emphasize the sarcasm.

P.S. If I got just one person to actually make the Beeker face and stick poking motion then my day has been worthwhile.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Patch – Yarmouth Police report that the suspect in an armed robbery in Hyannis has been captured on Camp Street in West Yarmouth.

One source reports the armed robbery was of the Tedeschi’s at 696 Yarmouth Road in Hyannis, but that hasn’t been confirmed with police.

Forget about crab fisherman in Alaska, convenience store clerk on Cape Cod is officially the most dangerous job in the world. It seems like we have a new armed robbery in the news every day now. They all seem to get caught too, hasn’t anyone told these guys about how easy it is to get away with a bank robbery?

Anyway, we need to do something about this pretty soon or we’ll need to hire armed mercenaries from Halliburton to man our convenience store cash registers. We’ll be forced to go through TSA level screening and a colonoscopy just to get into 7-Eleven. I don’t know about you but I certainly don’t feel like getting the shocker every time I want some Ben and Jerry’s and a Slim Jim.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

The person who submitted this photo didn’t leave their name, just the caption. Thank you , whoever you are, I laughed for six minutes when I opened this file. Somebody put some serious time and effort into tying that license plate frame on there. If only they would put that much effort into not smoking crack.

If you have a photo that represent the Real Cape Cod you can submit it below. From beautiful sunsets to drunken comedy, we want to see what you see.

Submit a new post

Title

Post content or file description

Your Media Files

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

(HYANNIS) _ The former president of the Cape Cod Chapter of the Disabled American Veterans has been indicted for stealing $125,000 from the organization.

Attorney General Martha Coakely alleges Richard Trott, 62, of East Sandwich stole the money between 2009 and 2011.
Indictments were handed down on Friday by a Barnstable County Grand Jury.

Coakley says the alleged theft by Trott deprived disabled veterans and their families of thousands of dollars in needed help.
He’s accused of transferring DAV money to personal accounts – and setting up sham organizations to deceive donors.
The Cape chapter of the DAV was founded in 1932.

Great move by Richard Trott here. This is like stealing from drug dealers, it’s a victimless crime. Who cares about a guy stealing from disabled veterans? No way a grand jury indicts him for this. Everybody knows the Disabled American Veterans are the most overrated charity out there.

What the hell did those guys ever do to deserve that money any more than Richard Trott does? Boo Hoo, so you risked your life fighting terrorists halfway across the world in some shithole desert to make us all safer. Richard Trott went through the trouble of setting up sham organizations to deceive donors, the man deserves that money, he stole it fair and square.

P.S. It’s really just astonishing that there are people evil enough to steal from disabled veterans. This is next level evil stuff right here.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Tony called in Insane today so for lunch we have a POV video of flights over The Vineyard. If you immediately know what POV stands for you should be ashamed of yourself. Enjoy the videos while you can because you will probably go blind soon.

Flying over Martha’s Vineyard. from Bill Brine on Vimeo.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CCT – Two 30-year-old Cape Cod men must now pay back the victims of their nighttime break-ins, a year after Bourne police said they stole from boats moored in Buttermilk Bay.

In July 2012, Bourne police received reports of stolen property on boats moored in Buttermilk Bay. While investigating the first reported robbery, police found feces in the boat’s toilet — and a black cellphone left behind in the bathroom.

Using the downloaded Facebook app, police traced the cellphone to Gratis, who said he had lost the phone and denied any involvement in the reported thefts. While speaking with Gratis at his Buzzards Bay residence, police said they witnessed Higney running through woods behind the Kayajan Avenue residence.

Higney was found hiding behind a shed with a case of beer, Bourne police said. He later admitted to taking a boat from shore with Gratis and rowing out to the boats, where the two stole prescription drugs, DVDs, jewelry and a leather cowboy hat, among other items.

Gratis eventually told police that he might have done something that July night, though he was too drunk at the time to remember.

It’s a story as old as time itself. One minute you’re on top of the world, blackout drunk, high on prescription drugs running around the woods with a case of beer wearing your newly acquired leather cowboy hat. The next minute you’re cuffed and stuffed just because you forgot your phone in the bathroom after dropping a deuce on the boat you broke into earlier. Could happen to anyone really.

Let this be a lesson to the rest of us. No checking Facebook while you’re shitting in the boat you broke into, if you leave your phone behind the police might not fall for the old “I might have done something, but I was too drunk to remember” excuse.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

PROVINCETOWN – The third annual Provincetown Fitness and Food Challenge this year won’t just incorporate gym classes, personal trainers and healthy menus at local restaurants.

This year, the exercise extravaganza that tempts the whole town with free gym days, nutrition classes and local business discounts will include dogs.

Man’s BFFs will get one-on-one consultations with a veterinarian at the beginning of the challenge, said Sadie Hutchings, a veterinarian at the Herring Cove Animal Hospital and Fido Fitness organizer…

Canines can look forward to weekly weigh-ins and a discount on weight-loss dog food, Hutchings added…

“A lot of people don’t recognize that their pets are overweight,” Hutchings said.

Chubby has become the new normal, she said. But a truly healthy animal is lean…

Perhaps only in Provincetown would a pet fitness program run alongside a human one, said Denise Gaylord, a personal trainer, life coach and founder of the Provincetown Fitness and Food Challenge.

But her fitness challenge idea has sprouted all kinds of creative offshoots.

For example, one local restaurant, Fanizzi’s, now offers a winter fitness menu. And Toys of Eros, an adult shop, is offering discounts to fitness challenge participants.

Some people might think personal trainers, nutrition classes and one on one consultations are a bit over the top for dogs, but I am 100% on board with this. These are aren’t just any dogs, these are Provincetown dogs. These dogs have a reputation to uphold, a P-Town dog is refined, modern and fit while being social, sophisticated and fashionable. A P-Town dog should be fabulous.

We can’t let these dogs fall into this “chubby is the new normal” mindset. It’s time we shame these canines into weekly public weigh ins and low fat dog foods. Being a Provincetown dog is not just calling yourself one Fido, it’s a lifestyle god damn it!

P.S. On a separate note, how about that last sentence?

Toys of Eros, an adult shop, is offering discounts to fitness challenge participants.

Only in P-Town would entering your dog in a fitness challenge get you a discount on whips and vibrators.

P.P.S. If this were one of those sophomoric websites with no class we would probably make a joke about a Provincetown life coach named Denise Gaylord, but since we are much too classy for that we won’t even mention it.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony