WickedLocal.com – ORLEANS – The council on aging will feature a New Year’s Cabaret with a performance by Cowboy Sam on Wednesday, Jan. 15 at 11 a.m. The event is billed as a toe tappin’, hand clappin,’ rootin,’ tootin’ country music event and folks are invited to wear their favorite bandana or cowboy or cowgirl hat.

A four-cheese lasagna with meat and spinach lunch will be served afterward. The cost is $10 per person and must be purchased at the senior center on Rock Harbor Road in advance. The tickets can’t be reserved by phone and won’t be sold the day of show.

Listen I’m not going to question how hot of a ticket this must be. A Council on Aging Cowboy Cabaret complete with “toe tappin’, hand clappin,’ rootin,’ tootin’ country music” is enough to cause an absolute frenzy. Throw in a four-cheese lasagna with meat and spinach? Forget about it, now we are talking about the biggest show of the year at the Rock Harbor Road senior center. Shit, we are probably talking about the biggest show of the year in all of Orleans.

That said, is it necessary to be such Nazis about the ticket sales? No phone reservations? No tickets sold on the day of the show? Are you telling me that if Florence is in Florida until tomorrow and she shows up with no ticket you’re gonna turn her away? Jesus I thought Ticketmaster was ruthless. But I guess you can’t be too diligent in your efforts to keep tickets out of the hands of scalpers these days. Nobody wants Grampa to have to pay $375 on Stub Hub just to do a little toe tappin’ while mackin’ on some blue haired honeys at the senior center.

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Capecodonline.com – HYANNIS — Somebody’s marijuana-growing operation went up in smoke Monday evening after police found “10 small seedlings” in an apartment in Hyannis, according to Barnstable police Sgt. Kevin Tynan.

Around 7:30 p.m., police responded to the apartment after the Hyannis Fire Department notified them of the plants, Tynan said.

Barnstable police are conducting an investigation that is “not elaborate,” said Tynan.

Well you can forget about getting any weed on Cape Cod for a while, It looks like the kingpin has finally been taken down!

You have to wonder if the police pulled the fire department guys aside and told them not to bug them with crap like this. I mean you have to love Sgt. Tynan’s quote about how the investigation is “not elaborate”, which loosely translated to layman’s terms means, “we don’t give a shit, there are actual criminals out there”.

At this point I’m pretty sure when you rent an apartment in Hyannis it comes with ten complimentary seedlings. It’s a tough market out there, landlords have to go the extra mile to avoid vacancies.

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Capecodonline.com – Applicants for some Yarmouth business licenses might soon find themselves being fingerprinted by local police to see whether they are suitable.

A “civil fingerprinting” bylaw draft will be vetted for the first time at tonight’s meeting of selectmen, as part of the discussion of the upcoming April annual town meeting warrant. The meeting is set for 7 p.m. at Town Hall.

Based on the draft crafted by Police Chief Frank Frederickson, the fingerprinting requirement would apply to liquor license applicants; those applying for licenses as secondhand dealers, collectors, peddlers and door-to-door salesmen; ice cream truck vendors; and taxi and carriage drivers.

“We just picked certain ones,” Frederickson said. “They will be up for debate, and people will need to choose what they want to include.”

It’s happening, it’s really happening. How can people even discuss things like this let alone vote on them? Has nobody read 1984? The government can listen to our phone calls, watch us through our webcams, spy on us with drones and now they want to fingerprint anyone who is ambitious?

It makes no sense. If you are going to randomly violate peoples constitutional rights by fingerprinting them why should it be the business owners? How about people with green eyes? Fingerprint those sons of bitches, who do they think they are having green eyes? Oh and the people with outie belly buttons, those creeps shouldn’t just be fingerprinted, round them up and make them live in a colony on one of the Elizabeth Islands.

I don’t really know if we are headed for 1984 or a self imposed Truman Show, but I do know that every time I read a news story like this I get one step closer to burying a shipping container and stocking it with bamboo toilet paper. I’m not smart enough to know what the hell is going on but I’m paranoid enough to think it stinks.

P.S. How about this quote? “We just picked certain ones,” Frederickson said. “They will be up for debate, and people will need to choose what they want to include.” The fucking Chief of Police just admitting he’s throwing darts to choose who to fingerprint, way to instill confidence in your process Frank.

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HERCULES from Soul Kontroller on Vimeo. 

Hey Bonzai Pipeline, consider yourself put on notice. Just another example of The Cape dominating everything. Any asshole can go surfing in their cute little board shorts when its 80 degrees out. Real men put on a dry suit and get after it in sub zero temps.

Not me of course, I haven’t left my house since we were attacked by the Polar Vortex, but these guys in the video seem pretty bad ass. By the way, did anyone else think Polar Vortex was an 80’s hair metal band from Canada when they first heard it?

P.S. Thanks to Andrew Jacob of SoulKontroll for the video.

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Well there’s a headline I didn’t see coming. Umm… there is a company that makes baby wipes out of bamboo? On Cape Cod? File this under S for shit we should have known about by now. I mean I can see why they would fly under my radar making baby wipes since I don’t have any kids, but this…

…is something that I should not be stumbling upon now. This may be the most intriguing news coming out of Cape Cod since JWOWW was at Pufferbellies. I have so many questions. Is it soft? Does it rip easily? How does this radical of a change in ass wiping technology just go completely un-noticed by the masses?

I read in my horoscope the other day that I was going to come across something that will change my life. Do you think this could be it? I take wiping my butt very serious so this really could be big for me. I mean it’s not often that a company comes out of nowhere right in your backyard and makes you rethink something you’ve been doing your whole life.

I guess we just have to add Bum Boosa to our list of products we need to get our hands on. We owe it to our readers to provide a detailed review on this toilet paper and dammit we will provide it one way or another. Until then let’s support a local company win this cribsie contest by clicking here.

P.S. I don’t know what a Cribsie is nor do I know if Bum Boosa baby wipes are the worst baby wipes in existence. None of this matters, they are from Mashpee. Cape Cod. So they get our vote.

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DVidshub.net – The Coast Guard medically evacuated a fisherman 60 miles east of Chatham, Mass., at approximately 7 a.m., Monday. At approximately 3:15 a.m. Monday, watch standers at Coast Guard Sector Southeastern New England received a report from the crew of the fishing vessel Bulldog, home ported in New Bedford, Mass., that a 51-year-old crew member had partially severed a finger while conducting a repair of the vessel and was requesting assistance.

Bad ass. It’s nice knowing that if I ever sever my finger 60 miles out to sea, some guys I don’t even know will hop into a helicopter and give me a ride to the hospital. Most friends will bitch and moan about driving you to the airport, never mind having to dangle out of a Jayhawk helicopter and pull you up in a basket.

I guarantee if I called ten friends right now, told them I severed my finger and I need a ride to the hospital, eight of them would tell me to man up and the other two would make a John Bobbitt joke. Thank god none of them are Coasties.

 

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A young Basking #Shark just beached itself in #Menemsha. Still alive. @WHOImedia @MVineyardPatch #MarthasVineyard pic.twitter.com/S97TUUrWaa

— Jeremy Mayhew (@oceanscape) January 12, 2014

I’ve just about had it with sharks. It’s one thing when they are in the news because they are tagged or even if they bite someone out in the ocean. It’s another thing entirely when they start trying to come up on land. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the beginning of the invasion I warned everyone about.

Three words… Swimming. Pools. Only.

Yeah yeah I know what you are going to say. “It’s a Basking Shark, they feed on plankton.” Yeah well how do you know they don’t eat people when there’s no cameras around? I don’t give a shit what The Discovery Channel shows us during shark week, there is no way you will convince me it’s perfectly safe to swim with this…

 

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