Cape Cod Domino’s Delivery Drivers To Start Carrying Narcan

dominos –  In a highly controversial move, it was announced today that Domino’s delivery drivers on Cape Cod will start carrying the opiate reversal drug Narcan.

“We just felt that since these delivery drivers frequently interact with hungry people, and since people that use drugs, do in fact get hungry, this move would make sense.” said Marty McDouche, the head of the Cape Cod Council of Dunces. “Anything we can do in order to inhibit people from being able to do their actual job, we are going to do it.”

When asked about the new policy, Domino’s driver Ronny Itsnotmyjob said “Even though it is not even on the same planet as our job description, and we didn’t ever sign on to be medics, we think it is totally fair to burden us with the responsibility of saving peoples lives in a manner that totally contradicts the job we are trained to do.” He then added, “I hope I don’t forget it like I forget everyone’s soda every single freaking time.”

Every Domino’s employee interviewed for this story was all for the new policy when asked to speak on the record and in public. But, immediately after the recorders were turned off and they didn’t think anyone could hear them, they collectively muttered under their breath that the move was in fact “total bullshit.”

One can only hope that this trend will continue into other professions. One resident pointed out that drug users “go to the store sometimes so 7-Eleven clerks should definitely have it too”. Dan McDumdum of Orleans said that he thinks UPS drivers should also carry Narcan. “Hey, what if a drug user orders something from Amazon and it comes right when he just Od’d? We supposed to just let him die?” McDumdum said in what was originally thought to be a sarcastic manner, but was later revealed to actually be serious.

In related news, there will be a Cape wide meeting to determine whether or not guns and badges should be given to cab drivers because sometimes they see crimes happen when they are driving around and also because it seems that everyone wants to completely ignore job descriptions these days.

Dear Everyone,

This is a great idea, we totally agree with this.


The Real Cape

P.S. When you first read this headline and your immediate reaction was “That’s stupid, that makes no sense”? Yeah, think about that for a sec.


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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Comments 23

  1. Omg! This is ridiculous! Can't be true, you've got to have some training to administer narcan, a dominoes driver, really?? What's next – the drive thru at McDonald's? Pull up and get revived and chicken nuggets to boot!

  2. Omg! This is ridiculous – you must require some sort of training to administer narcan?? A dominoes driver, really?? What's next? The drive thru at McDonald's – get revived on the go,, would you like some fries with that????!!

  3. It sets an unnecessary precedent. Will cops have to carry defibrillators next? There is a medical alert system in place already for medical emergencies.

  4. If true…ya let's bash anyone that works outside of job description. Saving lives is an asshole move, now, fucking deush bag. Do something to contribute to something more than u , until you do, shut your ignorant hippie mouth

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