Break-Ups Are Better Than Weight Watchers

Getting dumped is the fucking worst. I don’t care what you look like, how much money you make or how “pimp” you think you may be – at one point in time in your life, you have been dumped.

The pain of a broken heart is equivalent to that of being punched in the throat by a pack of knife wielding ninja’s who want to cut off your air supply and watch you gasp on the ground like a fat kid attempting to exercise. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Initially, when you get dumped, you’re extremely sad and depressed. There’s nothing worse than the realization that you are in fact not wanted, (other than tights, I fucking hate tights) and when someone first ends a relationship with you, you’re devastated.

This produces a lot of tears, endless phone calls and late night chats to your girlfriends and maybe even a lot of alone time wallowing in what you’re sure to be are the last moments of your pathetic existence.

Sure, maybe you’re sitting in your South Shore studio apartment having consumed nothing but wine and coffee for an entire week and yes, you’re fairly confident you will in fact die alone in yoga pants (I know I can’t be the only one..) but this is also the time in which you can, and should, use this new found depression to your advantage.

Typically, this sudden fit of depression leads to lack of appetite. Which leads to weight loss. Which leads to being skinny. Which leads to ‘fuck you I’m hot now and sucks to suck because you dated me when I was chubby’ should you run into said ex sometime in the near future or someone muploads a picture which you know he’ll see.

This obviously won’t work if you’re one of those people that eats her feelings, which is a completely separate issue and you should probs talk to someone about that..otherwise, break ups are literally better than Weight Watchers.

Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly large I’ll get myself into a dead-end relationship just to be let down so I can lose a few pounds. Okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration but I’m not going to pretend like I haven’t done it. Sometimes I need the motivation and exercise is for poor people who don’t have plans after work.

Sooo take your heart break for what it’s worth: be ano for a short period of time and BOOM you’re one good stomach flu/ heart break away from your goal weight.

I should seriously go into motivational speaking. Or perhaps some sort of treatment facility.


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