First things first… There’s a Cape Cod Yard Sale For Men on Facebook? Yes there is. I just checked it out and it is EXACTLY what you would think it is. Old, piece of shit motorcycles, lawn mowers, video games and boat trailers all over the place, and they are all over priced. Why? Because guys get attached to things, they keep them until their wives make them get rid of them, and then they think their piece of crap is worth a million dollars because they used to clean it 12 times a week to get away from the wife that is making them sell it.

As for The Gimp up there selling the dungeon straps, when you’re done with Bruce Willis and Marsellus Wallace you might contemplate taking that ad down. The Cape Cod Yard Sale For Men Facebook page isn’t like Vegas, it’s a public forum that thousands of people can see. Not because there’s any shame in tying up a lady friend, there isn’t. More because this ad says two things about you. You don’t follow through with promises, you’re dumb, and you’re poor.

If you did what you said you were going to do, you’d have Anastasia Steele in your basement right now. Instead you are selling your restraints on Facebook for $25 because you are obviously way more poor than you are discreet. Nothing like bearing your soul on social media, this ad says more than any ghetto status possibly could. Clean it up bro.

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CapeCodTimes.com – At least 400 cormorants sit on the power lines across Cedar Pond each day in the late summer and early fall. As the birds release guano they contribute significant and damaging amounts of organic matter and nutrients into the water, including phosphorus and bacteria, town officials and consultants say.

Eversource Energy has agreed to prepare a cost estimate for burying the power lines across the pond, after talks Tuesday with town, county and state officials and consultants.

“I think Eversource finally understands the depth of our interest in cleaning up this pond, and that they need to invest the time and effort to do that,” Carolyn Kennedy of the Orleans Marine and Fresh Water Quality Task Force said.

It’s a bit surprising that we are actually asking Eversource to run these wires underground to stop the Cormorants from pooping in the pond. The way we usually coddle wildlife these days you’d think they’d go the other direction and try to make them as comfortable as possible while they defecate all over us.

We close entire beaches and build condos for nesting Plovers but we pull the porcelain right out from under the Cormorants asses while they’re trying to drop a deuce? That doesn’t seem fair, why not make Eversource install some Venetian blinds for privacy, add little padding on the wires for comfort, put in a few magazine racks and provide them with WiFi so they can check their Plenty of Fish apps?

All I know is that I hope they plan on installing 50 or so Porta Potties on the banks of Cedar Pond. Everyone knows you can’t just go around disturbing birds on Cape Cod, they have a right to poop just as much as any of us. Cormorants are people too for crying out loud.

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Calling all Deadheads. We just wanted to let you know that over the weekend The Beach House will be streaming all three nights of the Fare The Well concerts at Soldier Field in Chicago.

The video will be shown on a ten foot projection screen with the music playing through a custom sound system complete with the most handsome sound guy this side of the Rockies.

Starting at 8 p.m. Friday, Saturday and Sunday, come watch the final Grateful Dead shows in style. We will be doing everything just like we were there in Chicago. Which basically means partying our faces off, cringing when Phil sings, peeing during Drums>Space and wrongly yet adamantly guessing second set openers.

Come on down and end the long strange trip with some fellow heads.

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HP – When New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) headed to Havana on a historic trade mission in April, he returned with the promise of an important commodity: a Cuban-developed lung cancer vaccine.

The vaccine, called CimaVax, has been researched in Cuba for 25 years and became available for free to the Cuban public in 2011. The country’s Center for Molecular Immunology signed an agreement last month with Roswell Park Cancer Institute in Buffalo, New York to import CimaVax and begin clinical trials in the United States.

“We’re still at the very early stages of assessing the promise of this vaccine, but the evidence so far from clinical trials in Cuba and Europe has been striking,” Dr. Kelvin Lee, Jacobs Family Chair in Immunology and co-leader of the Tumor Immunology and Immunotherapy Program at Roswell Park, told The Huffington Post.

When President Obama loosened the United State’s 55-year long trade embargo against the island nation in December, he allowed for such joint research deals to be finalized. Similar programs might have been impossible just a few years ago.

Well if this doesn’t make you lose faith in the American medical industry I don’t know what will. Cubans have to duct tape like 90 Duracell D batteries together just to start their 1954 Buicks, but they figured out a vaccine for lung cancer and give it away for free?

Meanwhile in the U.S. Where we can start our cars from the toilet with a remote control, we’ve got 90 year old dudes are walking around with 12 hour boners, chicks are sewing water balloons into their tits and bald dudes are injecting Rogaine into their dome pieces, but still no lung cancer vaccine?

What I want to know is why didn’t some Cuban smuggle this shit into Miami and become a bazillionaire? Yeah it would probably go bad on a wooden raft for 37 days, but that doesn’t explain why some baseball player didn’t stuff it in his jockstrap. We pay hundreds of millions of dollars for 3, 4 and 5 tool players, imagine what we’d pay for a 6 tool player if the sixth tool was a cancer vaccine? How much would Luiz Pasteuriguez be worth? A trillion dollars?

P.S. Smoke ’em if you got ’em!

P.P.S. There’s a zero percent chance this vaccine actually works. If it did the tobacco companies would have bought Cuba and everything in it the second it hit the street.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

WL – The odds of seeing a bear in southeastern Massachusetts, let alone shooting one, are remote, but it’s now legal to hunt them here.

With the bear population expanding east, the state Division of Fish and Wildlife has decided to allow the animals to be hunted statewide. They may also be hunted during the shotgun deer season.

This is turning into an animal website at this point, but what are we supposed to do? Seals are eating all of our fish, Sharks are snacking on people like chicken nuggets, Turkey’s are attacking moving vehicles, Plover’s are occupying our beaches, it’s like some kind of animal uprising out there. I keep half expecting a coyote to steal my girlfriend.

And now. Now they tell us the bears are coming? The bears are expanding so rapidly that it’s now OK to shoot and kill them? Forget all that crap about the right to take up arms and form a militia, maybe the 2nd amendment is there to protect us from Yogi and Fozzie.

On the plus side, we may get more timeless photos like this one of the last Cape Cod Bear…

 

If that doesn’t make you smile you should probably check your pulse.

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CC – The latest person bitten by a shark off the North Carolina coast has been identified as a Wareham man.
Andrew Costello, 68, was bitten several times while in waist-deep water near the Outer Banks. He’s in fair condition at a North Carolina hospital.

Witnesses say he was pulled under by a shark about 7 feet long. It’s the 7th shark attack in North Carolina.
Shark experts have a not-so-reassuring explanation for a recent spate of attacks along the coast of the Carolinas: it’s mainly because so many people are getting in the water.

That’s more attacks than North Carolina has recorded in any single year dating to 2000.
But George Burgess, director of the Florida Program for Shark Research, says it’s all a matter of perspective. He notes there have already been 11 attacks in Florida, and there were 28 last year.

Oh hell no. I’ve been saying all along that all these shark attacks in North Carolina are happening because the sharks are warming up for a big summer on the Cape. Now they’ve singled out a Wareham guy. Coincidence? I think not. Obviously they are trying to get a feel for what our Yankee asses are gonna taste like up here above the Mason-Dixon.

This might actually be a good thing though. Maybe the shark that bit this dude will tell his buddies he tasted like shit and they’ll think that’s what Cape Codders taste like. Stupid sharks don’t know the difference between Wareham and Cape Cod, they don’t realize Wareham people are like grape juice and we are like a fine wine. This could work out in our favor.

P.S. How about George Burgess? He’s like “Hey at least you aren’t Florida”. No shit George, we all thank our lucky stars every day.

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Brookfeild Patch – Wendy Ann Mitchell – Slip Cup – You’re playing beer pong in your friend’s garage when you miss the shot and the ping pong ball rolls into a dirty, dusty corner. When you retrieve the ball it’s covered in who knows what. Do you want ”who knows what” going into your drink?

Enter in a revolutionary new product five Brookfield brothers have invented to make your beer pong game safer and cleaner. It’s called the ”Slip Cup” and provides a way to play cleaner by shielding the player’s drink with an insert so the ball never comes into contact with your drink.

I’m not sure if I hate this invention because I didn’t come up with it, or because I’m a beer pong purist. I guess it’s better than playing with water cups? If you’re playing Beer Pong with water cups you might as well turn in your Cape Cod card. I suppose you people like to play Asshole with O’Doul’s as well?

I just don’t understand why we need to mess with everything. If you aren’t man enough to drink some beer just because it’s had a filthy Ping Pong ball in it then maybe you aren’t a man at all. Maybe it’s time you go outside and get a little dirty, build up that immune system and stop acting like Michael Jackson on a Chinese subway.

The bottom line is this; Beer Pong is fine the way it is, there’s no need to reinvent the wheel. Everybody needs to just stop being such wusses… Oh yeah, and this invention is genius, I wish I thought of it, these guys are gonna be millionaires and I hate them. That is all.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony