OL.com – Lake Oswego Police are searching for a man suspected of masturbating near and peering in the windows of homes in the Lake Grove neighborhood.

Police say the owner of a home on the 3000 block of Douglas Circle reportedly chased a masturbating man out of the driveway at 2:45 a.m. on Thursday. The man ran down Twin Fir Road near Upper Drive, police said.

Police later learned of a security video showing a man in the backyard of another home on Douglas Circle. Still photos from the video appear to show the man wearing a “Cape Cod” T-shirt.

In the video, the man briefly leaves the camera view but returns with no clothes on. He appears to peer into windows of the house and masturbate, police said. The man can also be seen drinking what appears to be a beer and smoking.

C’mon man! Like we don’t have enough problems with our image from outsiders. People already think we are a bunch of alcoholic heroin addicts that inbreed in the winter time, now we have to deal with this? Please, if anyone reading this is planning on heading off Cape anytime soon to spray some shingles with baby batter, do us a favor and wear a Wareham shirt will ya?

P.S. I almost convinced myself that this guy was a former tourist and not a real Cape Codder, but then I read about his multi tasking skills. Homeboy was smoking a butt and drinking a beer while he was masturbating? Yep, there’s only one place to learn that juggling act. This dude is a Cape Codder alright.

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CCT – With some good investigative work and an eagle-eyed detective, Barnstable police captured a Malden woman, wanted in Massachusetts and New Hampshire. According to a Barnstable police release, officers responded to a past larceny call at Best Buy in the Cape Cod Mall on Tuesday.

Store employees told police a woman had approached a Best Buy associate and said she worked for a non-profit organization and that she was interested in purchasing two Microsoft tablets with a combined value of $2,600. The woman reportedly took the tablets to the front end cashier and said due to her tax-exempt status, she had paid for the items at the customer service desk.

Not long after she left the store, employees realized she had stolen the tablets and contacted Barnstable police. Detective Valerie Hemmila identified the suspect on store video as 39-year-old Danielle Scrima of Malden. Malden had reportedly used the same story to steal 3 iPod Touches from the Hyannis Toys R Us in November 2013, police said.

Ah, the old “I already paid for it” scam. It’s as elaborate as the day is long. I can’t say I’m surprised though, this was bound to happen sooner or later. Have you ever asked an “associate” at Best Buy a question? I did. Once. In 2007, and it went something like this…

Hippie: “I have a huge bay window in my living room so it’s very bright during the day, would you recommend a plasma or an LCD television for my situation?”

Best Buy Guy: “I love lamp.”

Ever since then I keep my eyes down and mind my own business, there’s nothing more depressing than asking someone a question, looking in their eyes, and seeing the back of their skull.

So, as harsh as we are with criminals on this site, this time you kinda have to blame the stores. If you hire coat racks as employees eventually someone is going to pull the wool over their eyes with a less than Mission Impossible level scam.

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CL – Do you have want it takes to be a SIGN SPINNER? $12 CALL NOW! (Hyannis)

compensation: $12hr

**** We are still hiring if you are reading this ad!****

Leading outdoor sign company is looking to employ new team members in your area. Positions available as soon as tomorrow.

Can you attract attention by spinning a and waving a sign?

Its a MUST.

I would quickly like to take this opportunity to ask anyone that does not have what it takes to be a sign spinner,to kindly kill yourself. Thank you, that is all.

P.S. Amputees and paraplegics get a pass.

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Ack.net– Beginning next spring, if you hear sirens sounding throughout the island, it could be an alert to a fire, impending storm or another emergency event.

The town’s new Emergency Warning System is comprised of three sirens which will be installed over the winter or spring. One will be in Madaket, one in Sconset and one at the town-owned 2 Fairgrounds Road property. The Madaket and Sconset sirens will be installed at the remote fire stations, town emergency management coordinator Dave Fronzuto said.

 “This isn’t new technology, this is kind of the basics for public- notice systems,” said police chief Bill Pittman, who proposed the idea after talking about it with town officials for years.

So let me get this straight, if you hear the sirens it means that there is a fire… or a storm coming… or another emergency event? Um… What year is this? How do you know which emergency to prepare for? What’s to keep me from hurricane taping the windows of a building that’s actually on fire?

It seems a little confusing to use such antiquated technology in the 21st century. Hey Nantucket, instead of having people running around all confused, putting on rain coats and galoshes to prepare for a missile attack, why don’t you just open a Twitter account? It can be tough to get all the details out in 140 characters or less, but not nearly as tough as getting all the details out when you are using a fucking siren.

P.S. How about that last paragraph? Even chief Pittman is like… “This shit is old as dirt”.

P.P.S. If you are on Nantucket, and it is possible for you to be taken by surprise by a storm that is strong enough to warrant a siren, in the year 2014? Then you need to re asses your life.

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CCT – In 1975 the National Park Service, professing concern about preserving a fragile world of dune and wave, beach plum and seashell, has come up with a novel solution: It is proposing to ban nudity within the boundaries of the Cape Cod National Seashore. The government proposed fines of up to $500 and jail terms up to six months.

The situation at Bush Hollow Beach in Truro reached the breaking point one day the previous August when a park ranger counted 1,200 “nudists” which he estimated were 60 male, 40% female and 15-20 fully-clothed observers, 6 photographers and 20 “homosexuals.”

The news stories of the day did not explain how the ranger knew that the six were “homosexuals.”

I would do anything to go back in time to Cape Cod in the ’70’s. Imagine a place so tolerant that there were 1,200 naked people just living it up on federal beaches. I bet I can figure out how the ranger knew which people were homosexuals. Everybody was probably having sex all over the place and those six were doing it with the same sex. I’d be willing to bet there wasn’t a hollow bush in sight at Hollow Bush Beach in the ’70’s if you know what I mean.

P.S. I have a sneaking suspicion that the ranger’s estimate of 6 homosexuals out of 1,200 naked people at a Truro beach in 1975 may have been a little low.

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Time – Massachusetts: Massachusetts is well-known for its many colleges and universities, but the state’s laws seemed aimed at preventing these students from having very much fun. Out of state drivers licenses aren’t acceptable proofs of age under state law, meaning that out-of-state visitors can get turned away from bars. Bars are also prohibited from  allowing drinking games on their premises, and perhaps worst of all, happy hours are banned state wide.

Well would you look at that? Even Time Magazine, one of the most respected publications in the country, hates the Fun Police.

Let’s get real though. How is it remotely possible that Massachusetts is a worse place to drink than 48 other states?  Massachusetts has won every major sports championship in the 21st century, that’s an automatic bid to the top ten. There are states that don’t even have a single professional sports team, and they rank ahead of us?

We may not have drinking games in bars or happy hours, but have you ever been to Wyoming? There is NOTHING in Wyoming. I would venture to guess that there are more bars in Hyannis than there are in all of Wyoming. There are still gas stations that only sell diesel gas in Wyoming.

Or how about North Dakota? How could drinking in a place like North Dakota be better than drinking in MA? How could ANYTHING in North Dakota be better than in MA? I’d rather get oral sex from a piranha in MA than go drinking in North Dakota.

I agree we have some stupid drinking laws in this state, but there is just no possible chance that you are ever going to convince me that all the states in the middle of the country, all the ones that smell exactly like the Barnstable County Fair, are better places to drink than Massachusetts.

Sorry Time Magazine, but I think you forgot to factor something into your rankings…

 

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CCT – The Friends of the Cape Cod National Seashore (FCCNS) recently reported that gray seals–and a lot of them–have found their way to Eastham. According to FCCNS, August saw the establishment of a new seal haul out at Coast Guard Beach on the Cape Cod National Seashore (CCNS).

The haul out is south of the lifeguard-monitored section of Coast Guard Beach, according to FCCNS.

Most seal haul outs along the Cape Cod National Seashore have been in more remote areas, but this latest haul out is quite close to the busy beach.

Seals on land may look odd, but it is a perfectly normal practice. When seals pull themselves out of the water, or “haul out”, they are doing so to rest and warm up in the sun.

Although fun to watch, visitors are reminded to keep their distance–at least 150 feet away from the seals. Seals are protected under the Marine Mammal Protection Act and those who approach or disturb seals may face fines and jail time.

We live in a strange time in the world folks. Somehow as humans we have decided that if a bunch of seals show up on our peninsula, we need to break out the red carpet and accommodate them to the best of our ability. To the point where if you are caught disturbing them you can GO TO JAIL. Yet, when faced with the possibility of human Hispanic orphan children coming to The Cape, we have protesters lining up with signs that say “No way Jose” and “Send them back”.

Piping Plovers? Fence them off a few hundred acres and build them shelters! Seals? Don’t go within 150 yards! Humans? Get those fuckers out of here, they don’t belong here! I’m sorry but that is a weird ass policy. It’s like we’ve decided that all animals have the same right to the earth as we do, except for our fellow humans. In fact, it seems like many of us have decided that animals have MORE of a right to the earth than non-Americans. It’s pretty crazy if you think about it.

There are definitely immigrants eating all of our food, attracting a dangerous crowd, stinking up our streets and taking over our nice pretty peninsula, but they aren’t children from South America. Where are all the Wal-Martians with their fanny packs and “No deal stupid seal” signs protesting their arrival?

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