MVTimes.com – This week, the Massachusetts Air National Guard announced that five F-15 fighter jets from Barnes Air National Guard Base in Westfield would fly over areas of eastern and southeastern Massachusetts at low altitudes — between 1,000 and 5,000 feet — early Thursday morning as part of a pre-planned media event. It was announced that the flight path would include Bedford, Salem, Boston, Norwood, Foxboro, Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard. The fighter jets were expected to pass over the Vineyard at 8:47 am at an altitude of 5,000 feet, according to a press release.

But the F-15s never showed, much to the disappointment of Islanders waiting, watching and looking skyward. Lt. Colonel Sean Halbrook told The Times that the F-15s only flew as far as Cape Cod due to time and fuel constraints. The jets took off late and were unable to rendezvous with a tanker, he said.

So, first they postponed this thing from Wednesday until Thursday, then they take off late and don’t have enough gas to finish the trip? What the hell is the department of defense doing? Is that yearly 526 billion dollar budget all spent up already? You’re spending over $10 million an hour in Afghanistan and we can’t finish one stinkin’ flyover without running out of gas on our own side of the pond?

This is America not North Korea god damn it, let’s act like it! We don’t schedule big dick waving displays with our bad ass weaponry and not follow through with them. Especially after you tell the taxpayers they’re gonna get some jet fuel to the face. Remember who paid for the gas in those jets in the first place there Uncle Sam. If you promise us F-15 fighter jets at 8 a.m. then we want those F-15’s on time and served with coffee and a side of hash brow… I mean freedom fries! ‘Merica!

P.S. The F-15 has been around since 1972. Shouldn’t we be on like the F-327 by now? Are we due for an upgrade yet? When’s our contract up?

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Not too shabby, he got pretty weird there for a minute trying to shove the bag into an old Atari. Then he got dow… WAIT! Is that? Can it be? Yes! It’s him…

It’s over, the battle is over before it started! Ladies and gentlemen, hailing from Bethesda Maryland and reviewing Cape Cod Chips Back Bay Crab Seasoning Chips, it’s the undisputed champion of the snack review world. ROBERT DYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

“Hi everybody, Robert Dyer and welcome… WELCOME!”

We’ve said this before but we’ll say it again. Appreciate what you are witnessing here kids. Seeing Robert Dyer do reviews in his prime is like getting to see Babe Ruth set the home run record. Greatness like this only comes along once every few generations. Soak it in.

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Boston.com – There may be no town in Massachusetts as gay-friendly as Provincetown. From the bars to the leather shops on Commercial Street to the nude beaches, the town at the tip of Cape Cod is out and proud. If it did have competition for gay-friendliest town in the state, it would probably be Northampton, which arguably has more lesbian couples per capita than any other community in the nation.

But, according to the Human Rights Campaign, these two towns, along with Northampton’s ultraliberal neighbor Amherst, pale in comparison to cities such as Worcester and Boston when it comes to protecting the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender residents. If you assumed the opposite, well, that’s just part of the problem.

So according to some study with lots of numbers and charts Worcester is more gay friendly than Provincetown? Ummm… I’m going to have to go ahead and beg to differ. There is absolutely zero chance that the people who did this study, nor the author of this boston.com article, have spent any time in either P-Town or Wormtown. I can prove this study is 100% wrong by using a super sensitive and detailed algorithm known as OPENING YOUR EYES AND LOOKING AROUND.

What are they basing this proclamation on you ask? Well, there’s this…

Provincetown does not have an LGBT liaison to the city executive or a human rights commission to represent and advocate on behalf of the town’s LGBT citizens. Perhaps at the center of these gaps in equality efforts, the municipality also received no points for city leadership on pro-equality legislative or policy efforts.

Ha ha ha ha! P-Town doesn’t have an LGBT liason to advocate on behalf of the gays? Are you shitting me? Does anyone think that they actually need one? No points for pro-equality legislative or policy efforts? Is this the bizarro world? Provincetown’s ENTIRE policy is to be as gay as humanly possible all day every day in every aspect of everything. Places like Worcester might need pro gay legislation, but P-Town needs pro gay legislation about as much as I need Ebola, I’m pretty sure they are doing just fine.

I’ve heard quite a few things in my day, but saying Worcester is more gay friendly than Provincetown because Worcester passed a couple of pro gay laws and has one gay dude that they made into a “liason” might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Don’t you dare tell us our gay town isn’t still the gayest town in Massachusetts. We will out gay anyone! Our gays are the gayest gays in the history of gay! We will run big gay circles around the competition!

WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUE…. OK you get the point.

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CapeCod.com – Heritage Museums and Gardens began work on their new zipline attraction over the past couple of weeks, and opponents of the project say they plan to file a complaint.

Carlo DiPersio says he plans to file the complaint with the Sandwich Building Inspector. The building inspector was the one who originally issued a building permit for the project.

At a hearing on the appeal two weeks ago, members of the zoning board voted unanimously to uphold the building inspector’s decision to issue the permit.

DiPersio says in addition to filing the complaint with the building inspector. “And if he doesn’t do anything about it, we’re going to the clerk magistrate,” he said.

He says he is not against a zipline in the Town of Sandwich but he feels the Heritage Museums and Gardens is the wrong place for it.

“Put it out on the “Golden Triangle” where they’re going to do the athletic stuff for the kids. Put it where it belongs. I’ll bring my grandchildren to it. But don’t put it across the street from Heritage Plantation, which is a beautiful place,” he said.

Who on earth does this guy think he is? “Don’t put it there, put it here, blah, blah, blah…” What fucking planet do you have to be on to think that you are so important that you can dictate what people do with their own property? The building inspector awarded them a permit, the zoning board of appeals UNANIMOUSLY upheld it. It’s time to find something new to hate.

I don’t even know if it’s more insane that he thinks he should be able to stop Heritage Gardens from doing what they want with their land, or if it’s more insane that he somehow thinks that he can tell the owners of the Golden Triangle that it should be on their property without even asking them if they would even want it there. I mean am I taking crazy pills? Let’s build it on the moon! that way it’s not in anyone’s yard!

Imagine if you were building a shed in your yard and your neighbor came over and said he didn’t like it there and told you to move it down the street to someone else’s house? Without even asking the people if they want a shed in their yard? Absolute tapioca pudding crazy sauce shit from this dude.

P.S. I would love to see the look on the clerk magistrate’s face when this guy rolls in to the office bitching about tree forts.

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WCAI – The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is shutting down cod fishing, from Provincetown up to the Canadian border. No fishermen – commercial or recreational – may trawl or use certain large nets that might catch cod.

Federal regulators are imposing the emergency fishing restrictions in response to plummeting numbers of cod in the Gulf of Maine. The measures will go into effect on Thursday and will prevent commercial fishermen from targeting cod.

I guess we could just legally change the name to “The Cape”? At least that would end the debate of whether or not to capitalize the T. Or maybe we should go with something scary like Cape Fear has? Maybe Cape Rape in honor of what we did to the animal we were originally named for?

Maybe we should go with something that we are known for now? How about Cape Old People? Maybe Cape Drugs? Too negative? Cape Dogfish? Cape Seals?

How about Cape Awesome Sauce? The Cape formerly known as Cod? Maybe this…

Oh, I don’t know… this is too hard. You guys decide.

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CBS – If it’s called the girls’ field hockey team, then why is there a boy on the field? That’s what some parents were asking as they watched Dennis-Yarmouth face off against Acton-Boxboro Tuesday with goalie Max Allen protecting the DY goal net.

“Look at him lined up with everybody else. I mean, there’s such a physical difference,” said Maura Champigny watching her daughter’s team face Allen. “Having a boy in a field hockey net somehow doesn’t sit well.”

Oh come on man, why do you have to do this do the rest of us? Like guys don’t have enough to worry about, now we have to figure out a way to talk about a dude on a field hockey team and not end up sleeping on the couch tonight? Very selfish bro. You switched teams in more ways than one.

What am I supposed to do though, not write about this? No chance, so here goes nothing…

I’m sure this will inevitably break down into an argument about gender roles and how society created and perpetuates them. Bullshit. Society didn’t create gender roles, science and nature did. There were gender roles way before there was a modern society. Lions have gender roles and last I checked they don’t have television.

The bottom line here is that if you think boys should be able to play athletic sports with girls then you need to be OK with it at every level. Would you be OK with a man beating the shit out of a woman in a boxing ring?

Sorry, but when it comes to physicality men and women are simply not on the same playing field. Ignoring those differences is akin to burying our heads in the sand, which doesn’t solve any of the real problems we have with sexism, and it certainly doesn’t get us any closer to actual equality, just deeper into denial.

So this kid wants to play field hockey? Well guess what? We don’t all get to do what we want. Midgets would love to ride a roller coaster every once in a while. Girls would like to pee off the side of a moving boat. I’d be interested to know what it’s like to carry a human egg to maturity inside of me for 9 months, but I can’t. Why? BECA– USE I’M NOT A WOMAN.

Lastly, to his coach who says he’s “the same as everyone else on the team” and all of you ladies who are about to comment saying you think it’s cute and endearing the way he is challenging the status quo, let me ask you this. If your daughter was on that team, would you be cool with him showering with her after the game? How about sleeping over in her bed this weekend? No? But… we are all the same…

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We’ve been working hard with a nationally known perfumer on this composition for months and it is our pleasure to finally announce its arrival.

Made from a delicate blend of Bud Light concentrate, authentic hooded sweatshirt stain extract, and striped bass semen, Cape Cod Cologne is for the least discerning of men. It’s for the type of man who needs to buy a new Van Heusen shirt at T.J. Maxx on the morning of every wedding and funeral he attends.

Cape Cod Cologne is approved by 9 out of 10 women who drink Fireball and is guaranteed to make you act like a sarcastic douchebag around your friends. Stop scratching your beard, get your hand out of your pants and get yourself a bottle today!

Sold exclusively at liquor stores and gas stations. May cause dizziness, vertigo, and unprotected sex with sea hags followed by memory loss.

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